One day and the arguing has already begun

Quilting brings calm

So Mom died yesterday.

I told my siblings I was inviting my step siblings over to select anything and everything they wanted from mom’s apartment in assisted living. After all it was my step-dad’s too until he died in February. The will says everything is divided six ways. I was mom’s POA and I’m the executor of the will. One step-sibling replied he didn’t want anything - haven’t heard from the other two. None of the three have expressed any condolences or any sadness.

My two full siblings are out of state, aren’t coming home for the service and have said they don’t want anything from the apartment. Plus I wasn’t willing to pay to ship or move furniture across the USA. I will donate whatever my step-siblings don’t take.

My spouse, son and I spent time today tossing trash, open jars, tubes of cream, etc, and other unusable items from the apartment.

What’s the arguing about? There’s a joint checking account, in my mom’s and my name. As a joint checking account, it’s not legally part of the estate. I’m going to treat it as it is and divide it six ways once the bills are paid. My sister asked ( via text) how much was in it. Now my sister is mad because a) I texted her that I was dividing it six ways, not just three ways and she thinks I should cut out my step-siblings b) I texted her that mom wanted my step-siblings included, and c) if it’s not part of the estate, it’s actually legally mine to decide what to do with. She knew my name was on the account all along.

She only spoke to my mom once a year. She has no idea what my mom wanted but thinks she does and that I should have told her what mom wanted earlier.

I’m venting here- it’s really hard to control my language. She has no idea what I’ve been doing for 5 years or what the last couple weeks have been like. Or what our mom looked like these last couple weeks. I haven’t answered her phone calls today because … well, just because.

fmb

Oh QBC, I feel so bad for you. All this discord is the last thing you need right now. I half expect DH's elder daughter to contest his will, and as executrix, I am not looking forward to that. She also has been conspicuously AWOL from her father's care for years until a couple of visits very recently. I have never understood where this entitlement attitude comes from. I'm planning to consult with our attorney before I give away anything, since I live in a state with an inheritance tax (PA).

So vent away. Turn off the phone or at least set their phone numbers to go straight to voice mail. Take very good care of yourself, staying hydrated, eating, and getting some sleep. Try to be in the company of supportive people if at all possible. And don't forget that we're here to listen and dispense hugs.

Quilting brings calm

@fmb

I knew my friends here would lift me up. This forum is a lifeline.

I’m so sorry you are going to have to deal with similar issues ‘after’. It’s really adding insult to injury after all caregivers go through for so long.

The ‘estate’ for mom consists of the apartment contents and whatever cash is in her purse. The original joint will ( yes they exist) was filed in the court in February and the lawyer will write up a small estate affidavit - no probate and no taxes. There’s only going to be about $18,000 in that checking account after the cremation, service and bills. It’s not worth arguing about in the first place.

Emily 123

That sounds awful—so sorry you're both having to deal with this on top of handling everything else. You'd think that people who've been minimally present could have the tact to continue to be so, but of course once the threat of having to deal with their loved one's dementia is gone I guess they feel comfortable enough to try to weigh in. So sorry you can't have a little peace…

SusanB-dil

Oh, dangit!! So sorry qbc and @fmb , I mean really, how low can some people go? Nevermind... looks like they are showing their true little selves.

Yes ((hugs)) to you both.

H1235

So sorry your family is putting you through this QBC. It sound like you a handling things as they should be and as your parents wished. It hard to believe how selfish some people can be. Vent all you like. We understand.

harshedbuzz

@Quilting brings calm

Vent away.

I am sorry your people continue to be their predicable selves. I dread this.

HB

MN Chickadee

That's too bad they are behaving this way, but I'm guessing you aren't surprised. Do what you feel is right and sleep well at night. It's not worth your mental energy to worry about their petty behavior that you can't control.

jfkoc

QBC…I found that I have some family members that I would never be friends with. I started putting zero effort into my relationship with them years ago

Phoenix1966

I’m glad you have a place to come where you can honestly talk about how you’re feeling. I’m also glad you’re such a strong person and that you are able to honor your mother’s wishes. What a wonderful daughter you are.

Whyzit2

I’m sorry for your loss and difficulties with the family members. Surely you need a time of respite from all that is on. My recommendation would be to take your time, go on a cruise using money from the joint account as compensation for your solo caregiving services and when you get back send them each a token amount. Think of all the money you have saved your siblings and step siblings over the years of non performance. Another idea would be to bill the estate for your services. (((Hugs))) ❤️

Victoriaredux

I'm sorry about your loss.

The amount left may not be much but : "As a joint checking account, it’s not legally part of the estate. I’m going to treat it as it is and divide it six ways once the bills are paid."

I'd check if that makes it a forced gift from the named heirs to the unnamed heirs. Do you have the right to do that? Medicaid implications for you?

Check with the lawyer if you need to keep the assets in the estate until a year is up for any creditors that pop up.

Best answer to "what-do-I-get?" from heirs "Don't know until all bills paid and final income tax filed. " People tend to over spend their inheritance in their minds and it's never enough and guess who they blame .

Zorba the Greek death scene - the town takes its "inheritance"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qvEoQ8H7tjA&t=2s&ab_channel=ertai1987gr

Quilting brings calm

@Victoriaredux

I will definitely not distribute it for about a year. I’ve been handling my parent’s bills for about 5 years, so I know about all their( now her) monthly bills. Howver just in case a stray medical bill shows up, I’m going to wait.

I’m not on Medicaid. My spouse and I both have investments, pensions, railroad retirement or social security, Medicare, supplement and long term care policies. I don’t foresee being on Medicaid in the next five years

As far as I know, none of my siblings/step-siblings are on Medicaid. It’s a good question to ask though. I will ask before sending checks- or remind them that they can return them uncashed if it will mess up Medicaid or disability eligibility. I guess the only thing that can be done in that case is for them not to be paid … or possibly in cash, The money isn’t enough to have to be reported as a gift on taxes. $3000 each max if split six ways.

I understand your point about a forced gift from me to them. I don’t understand why you are linking it to ‘named vs unnamed heirs’. All six of us are named in the joint will ( yes, a joint will) written for my mom and step-dad. The first death passed everything to the surviving spouse - mom. The second death passes her estate to the six offspring. It’s just that the joint checking account will not be part of that estate. Joint checking accounts pass directly to the other names on the checking account. The lawyer confirmed that after my step-dad’s death. He did not list the joint checking accounts they had in my step-dad’s small estate affidavit. The only way to give them a share of the checking account is just that - a gift.

involvedDIL

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/71361/one-day-and-the-arguing-has-already-begun

Unfortunately a death in the family brings out the worst in people. We went through this when his dad went to a nursing home. They all wanted money. His ex wife even had to try to get in line also. It just made it harder on my husband and I lost a lot of respect for those people. What I have learned from it is they are going to be mad no matter what you do. If it was just your full blooded siblings she would still complain about settling the estate before they got the money. I would do what your mom wanted. It's ok not to answer the phone. Your entitled to mourn your loss. If they are not willing to understand and support you during this time then it's really not a good time to talk. I would suggest that you hire a lawyer to make sure the estate is settled and documented fully. Chances are she will accuse you of taking more money than was actually needed to settle the estate. I hope it doesn't happen that way but it sounds like that is her main focus. I am sorry for your loss. ((Hugs))

Quilting brings calm

@involvedDIL

I will call the same lawyer that I used for my step-dad’s estate earlier this year. It’s really simple- file the will with the court, count the cash in her purse, then fill out the small estate affidavit. It will show the cash and that there were personal effects and furniture. Basically a bankrupt estate. The cremation will be paid for out of the joint checking account.

I agree she’s going to be difficult. As will my step-siblings. But the lawyer will tell me that there is nothing for them to get. He didn’t have any fear of them after my step-dad died when they pitched fits because they didn’t get anything then. Oh I take that back… my step-sister shared a safe deposit box with my step-dad. Opened when they were on speaking terms for a few months 3 years before his death. She closed it and kept his stuff. The lawyer said it didn’t work like a joint checking account. His stuff in it was supposed to go to mom. But that it wasn’t worth legally fighting over it. I didn’t really even know what he’d put in it besides some unidentifiable silver.

These step-siblings all live within 10 miles of the AL. Two visited their dad for about 3 months in the summer of 2021- got mad at him and never visited after that. The third never visited at all. All three went for decades as adults before 2021 without seeing him.

forbarbara

I was planning on attending a social event yesterday - 2 days after MIL died. Here’s what happened.

Husband: aren’t you going?
Me: no I just don’t feel up to it
Husband: is something bothering you? Me: ??!!?

Quilting brings calm

@forbarbara People are just clueless. And that’s being nice about it