My parent with dementia's Exboyfriend

Merla

My parent with dementia was living out of state and in a relationship with a man who as it turned out hid or did not reveal her dementia symptoms to family supposedly out of reapect for her privacy. I knew for the past two years that she had dementia due to observing her symptoms but she was not receptive to my concerns. I tried to talk with the boyfriend about my concerns but he never followed up with me. They broke up in a dramatic somewhat violent way and I had to essentially rescue her from living on her own and she came to stay with me and we're making progress towards treatment and a long term plan.

Long story short the boyfriend contacted me expressing concern about her health. Obviously this is too little too late. During the last two years I had to go through worrying about mal intent on his part due to his silence and we missed the opportunity to cooperate together to figure out a plan. It turns out he was aware of her cognitive decline for the past year and he helped her out a lot with daily living. He must have cared a lot about her but was also enabling her ie trying to help her pass the driving test instead of telling her she shouldn't be driving or just letting her fail.

Any way now he is asking me what he can do to support my mom. They are broken up and both moved to different locations. I think that he is feeling guilty. He wants to know if continuing texting her in a friendly supportive positive way is helpful. I don't know if this relationship is helpful or hurtful. I am inclined to say forget this guy and close that door in her life but the other perspective is that she has given up on so many friendships in her life so her world is already so small and maybe texting with this guy occasionally is good for her mood and sense of self.

SusanB-dil

It doesn't sound like he is trustworthy. I say 'no deal'. Cut the contact.

He has not been being truthful with you nor other family that could have helped a lot sooner.

Also, what's there to stop another bad and even violent interaction? Now he says he's concerned? Hmm... No, this relationship is not healthy. I would go with your inclination and shut that door. It sounds like she's safer, both physically and medically, without him. I'm glad she has you watching out for her.

psg712

Agree with SusanB. Thank him for his past care and current concern for her, tell him you will ensure her safe care from this point on, and do not provide him her location or contact information. If he persists with you, block his number. You have not been able to count on him to collaborate with you in her care. Their relationship is over.

Merla

yeah I'm also inclined to tell this guy to phase out of her life. It's just sad because he was important to her and is one of the only close relationships she has with someone her own age. The obvious problems she is facing is that she can't really make new friends and I dont feel comfortable with introducing her to new potential friends because in my mind this is high risk as she is vulnerable to exploitation and even more vulnerable to ridicule. She used to be a pretty sociable person. This guy was basically her life for the past 1-2 years when her cognition rapidly declined.

It's just sad I hope she can focus on the joy of being around family

psg712

Yes it is sad when their past supportive relationships begin to fade. My mom was able to form a few surface friendships when she first moved to AL, but once she progressed to the need for MC, she lost those social skills. A few old friends send cards or notes from time to time, but she no longer recognizes their names, even if she sees a photo of them. It's sad for them too, as they are losing a friend who once loved them.

Quilting brings calm

I think you need to curtail it for the follow reasons in addition to what’s been mentioned:

You are trying to get her settled into her existence in your area. It’s going to be harder to do that with contact from him

It’s also possible that he wants to resume the relationship. Or she does and persuades him. If so, then either she’s going to continue to talk about moving back where he is…. Or he’s going to show up in your area to retrieve her.

Having said that, I will say in his defense: There are married or long term couples or even single people everywhere that are living their lives without telling their long distance offspring the entire story about their health. Either because they don’t want to worry them, or think the offspring will ‘butt in’, or whatever. He didn’t necessarily intend to deceive you for nefarious reasons. He might have been in denial about the seriousness of her issues. Or considered her care his responsibility.

Merla

yeah unfortunately their continued contact is not good for her. What is is so ironic is that I was dying for this guy to follow up ion the for tha past year and he never did and now I can't get rid of him. I had felt the need to tread very lightly with him when they were together for fear of alienating my parent or giving him too much information that could be used to take advantage of her.

I'm going to lean on family to provide support and replace old relationships

Victoriaredux

Merla - this is a bit of a downer but a lot of PWD lose empathy and with memory issues and the kind of time travel their minds do—don't count too much on joy or replacing relationships.

I find it is easier to just take today as it is right now. PWD may not remember grandkids , they maybe living in another era in their minds and without the give & take that forms new relationships -that may not be possible.

Going for safe and calm is a winning day.

I agree with the above , keeping her apart from him .

gglorious7

If he is toxic and causing you stress then it is best he doesn't come around . He should of stepped up when he first found out she had dementia . You don't need the extra stress . Weed out anyone that isn't part of the solution they are most likely part of the problem . I was my mother live in caregiver for 12 years she passed away in 2023 of Alzheimer's. The disease itself is cruel .