New to the Group Dreading the Holidays

aarnold1441

The holidays are hitting hard this year. In the last couple of weeks my mom has gotten noticeably more anxious which coincides with her not recognizing members of our immediate family. Thanksgiving was very difficult this year. She’s still physically doing pretty well it just breaks my heart to see her so upset and the toll all of this is taking on my dad.

sandwichone123

Hi Aarnold, Welcome to the best support group, and so sorry you need it. Fairly early on, I realized my dh was not going to be able to cope with any situation involving more than 2-3 people. Family gatherings are out, as are any public gatherings involving interactions. He could still go to restaurants for a couple more years, but only one person talks at a time—either the waiter or the customer. You may need to offer to stay with her while Dad sees family.

H1235

At a dementia workshop I went to they suggested putting the pwd in a separate room from the big family gathering, then have family members take turns going in and visiting. It seemed like a good idea to me, unfortunately my in-laws insisted mil be included in everything. They were clueless to how confused and disoriented she was. Another option might be for your parents to have Christmas with each of their children’s families separately over the few weeks before Christmas. This could allow for a more relaxed and less hectic time together. I hope you can figure something out.

harshedbuzz

At a certain point, gatherings are upsetting for the PWD who will find the break from routine too chaotic for their comfort.

We did small (DH, DS, DN, DNIL and me—all adults) gatherings at mom and dad's place which allowed him to retreat as needed. It was still too much for him, but he could escape. Were it not for mom, we'd have skipped holiday celebrations and done visits with 1-2 people.

HB

Emily 123

Usually the caregiver tries to preserve the traditions and the PWD will still be able to participate, though some accomodations will need to be made. Further along, you’ll pass to where your person will have disconnected from day and time, and the day is ‘just another day’ unless you constantly remind them. It sounds like your mom is becoming a bit lost in time, and is finding the current-day versions of her family not at all what she expects them to look like. Too, as the disease progresses it starts to impact how well people can take in information visually and audibly, and even several people talking together can end up creating a garbled confusing environment for them, and leaves the caregiver to soothe them once the party’s over.
If this is causing your mom stress, remove the stressors. That might be: Not having a lot of discussion about holiday plans, telling her that it’ll be a low key celebration this year and arranging for family she might recall to drop in 1-2 at a time, or take turns sitting with your mom while dad gets a break to go to the family gathering. Good luck!

SusanB-dil

Hi aarnold1441 - same here - we keep any gatherings around MIL very small (3-4 other people), and only people she is/was close with, and that know the situation (so they know how to not overwhelm her)

Sorry your family is dealing with 'this'. Do make sure dad also gets some respite breaks as well, and not just for the holidays. Caregiver burnout is real.

Jo C.

It is important to educate family/friends, etc. regarding the dynamics surrounding your LO's condition and what is best for your LO as well as not having anyone upset the plans put into place to help keep your LO calm and in good stead. If not educated, they will not know and are apt to unintentionally become part of the problem.

It would be a good idea, if a gathering at your home is going to be happening, to create a separate calm place for your LO to be able to retire too if things get to be a bit much.

Perhaps one of the bedrooms could be set up as a safe and quiet "get-a-way;" have a nice soft easy chair that reclines or has a footstool; a TV, a door that can be closed to allow more quiet away from the gathering. LO can then go to the quiet little island space and be able to feel calmness. The room can be set up for your LO's needs.

One little option that could make a difference AND family members other than those who live with your LO such as yourself, are not allowed to enter the get-a-way room which would vanquish the calming purpose. Worth a try to bring some peace to the LO avoiding unintentional upsets.

J.

involvedDIL

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/71381/new-to-the-group-dreading-the-holidays

It is hard to be the support person for your dad. Remind them that it's ok to take sometime for himself. You know the whole put your oxygen mask on first before you try to help someone else does apply. If your mom is still at home and he is the sole caregiver that is exhausting work. Just trying to keep them calm and put their worries at easy is mentally draining. I know just going to see my FIL daily and trying to figure out who he is that day and trying to calm his anxiety is draining. I thank my other half daily that he didn't take me up on the offer for his dad to come live with us and I would take care of him. I know now it would have been too much for me to handle on my own. Maybe offer to take a shift and let him rest or go do something he enjoys. He might be wanting someone to notice that it is really hard on him and help him make the extremely hard decision to put her in housing that is more around the clock care. I know we felt horribly about that decision and a lot of guilt. It has been the best decision we made. I am just not qualified to be that 24 hour care that he needed. Coming from a fixer and supporter I can tell you it was an extremely hard decision to make. Sending you guys good vibes and hugs going through this holiday season.

psg712

Hang in there. It's tough to set those limits on interaction for your LO when others do not understand her changing needs. Holidays are even harder, with all the extra emotion attached to them. People really want to follow traditions and seem to want the PWD to enjoy and participate the way they used to do. I hate being the killjoy who has to burst someone's bubble and say that mom just isn't up for much company or activity or going to church or whatever. It's hard, but it's better for her peace and comfort.