I Hate Christmas

bwanasil

My OH goes to the Alzheimer’s Activity Center five days a week seven hours a day . Naturally, this gives me a big break to do all the chores without having to look over my shoulder to see what my OH is up to…. folding toilet paper , rearranging her closet etc

Unfortunately for me, the Center will be closing for almost 2 weeks for the Christmas holidays . I just don’t know how I am going to “kill” the time. As it is, i have a tough time keeping her busy on weekends. She never was one who “got” into reading , puzzles etc. Her Business , cleaning and cooking kept her busy …. now it’s sitting in the family room watching cooking or musical shows which I have to channel surf …. and I have to sit with her.

We always looked forward to the Festive Season . …..Going out , partying, entertaining, Midnight Mass, New Years Dance etc . We always had 2 Christmas trees plus decorations all over the house. This year only outdoor lights. Naturally she does not miss any of the decos.

As usual at Christmas time friends will call to wish and then I have to listen to them telling me about their busy schedules.

Now I can only dream about the “ good old days “ and what if ….Very often I get angry thinking af what’s to come like how our savings will all be spent on a LTC Home instead of of travel….. our retirement plan. What a joke.

My only “outlet” is every Sunday after I put her to bed aro 9.00pm I sit in the comfort of my family room watching a taped NFL game enjoying a nice stiff single malt.

Sorry about my usual whining. Not even sure if my post makes any sense.

jfkoc

Makes perfect sense to me. It is rough!

Quilting brings calm

How about driving to various city drive through light displays? Simple, she won’t have to get out of the car. They regress into childhood, so maybe she will be entertained multiple nights.

Call a couple assisted living centers to see if they have musical entertainment and if they invite guests. It’s a way for them to show off their building and amenities. My mom’s AL opens their bingo activities to outsiders twice a week.

annie51

Feel free to whine…since most of us feel the same way! Christmas is a little worse each year. I put out a few of my favorite decorations but our ornament collection is made up of ornaments we bought at each place we traveled to throughout our marriage. Last year I cried while putting them up, this year I just hung a few up.

I can relate to the problem of keeping them busy. Quilting has some good ideas. You’re lucky to have the activity center. I’m only beginning to look into day programs for my DH because I can’t give him the socialization he craves. In the meantime he’s my constant shadow with whatever I can think of to do - some things he used to do by himself which gave me a break but now he wants me to participate in everything.

Bill_2001

Agreed, although I no longer "hate" Christmas. It is however, a sad demarcation of the past nine years of dementia caregiving.

Day care centers allow us to take a break from caregiving, and/or get stuff done. Without it, we are forced to play entertainment director in addition to everything else.

Plan a schedule for those two weeks. Christmas movies, drives around town, errands, music at home, whatever it takes. Schedule time to call loved ones and chat. It's all we can do. Also plan some downtime for you while your loved one sleeps. I do not know what stage your loved one is in; one of the "benefits" of the later stages is that the patient sleeps and stays put more. So I can get a few things done, or watch what I want to watch during that time.

We are stuck in a sad, lonely situation. But remember you are in charge of the schedule. Difficult as it is, take charge and plan it out beforehand.

May I also add a small bright spot about the financial impact: I have found that since we stay home a lot now, we are currently spending far less money. It won't offset the future cost of care completely, but I have been surprised how cheaply we have been living for these nine years.

Love, Bill_2001

SDianeL

we understand. This disease steals so much from both the patient and the caregiver. It’s heartbreaking. Making a list is a good idea. It made me feel in control when things were falling apart.

Carl46

Whine on, brother. And pass the single malt.

I don't suppose memory care for two weeks as a respite is an option.

Anna2022

Your post makes perfect sense. You are not alone in dreading this holiday season.

I'm so happy to hear what others have posted…it's given me lots of ideas.

My DH just asked this morning, "what are we doing for Christmas?" and after a few questions and answers I figured out he wanted to know about what gift I wanted. He wasn't interested in doing anything but was worried that he hadn't bought a gift. We settled on the idea of having lunch out at an outdoor shopping center next week, with lunch and maybe a short walk to a nice department store where he will "buy" ( I have the credit cards) me another scarf or perfume or something else unnecessary. It will be a good something to do, if it even happens. He has already forgotten our conversation.

The suggestion to ride and see the light displays is also a good one - Some neighbors go all out at this time of year and DH likes to ride in the car. And that will be Christmas this year.

Russinator

I totally understand

Biggles

Oh my do I ever relate to these reply’s and bwansil’s initial discussion. I sat and cried also in despair at things we are missing. Christmas parties, fun buying gifts to go under the Christmas tree for one and all, planning Christmas dinner having the children call in with big smiles and hugs looking forward to the coming year. Grandchildren giving grandpa hugs and kisses listening to their stories of trophies won on sports day or for academic excellence. My DH is no longer able to take any notice. It’s so sad. I guess I have been indulging but the tears just fall and fall. Now he is peacefully asleep again. It was one question from our Sailability President that sent me into a downward spiral “how long has your DH been like this” oh goodness it’s hard.

jehjeh

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/71399/i-hate-christmas

I totally get it. The holidays are so hard. We too, used to do it up big for Christmas. I loved to cook and bake. Hubby was like a kid with the decorations and gift giving. This year, I'm struggling with requests by him and his daughter to drive him 3 hours to our cabin where she now resides. 2 years ago, Christmas there was magical. Now, it sounds like a nightmare involving multiple bathroom stops (which means Christmas eve since everything is closed on Christmas day). Complicating things even more than his dementia alone is his unsteady use of a walker or me pushing someone who weighs 100 lbs more than me in a wheelchair.

I know I'm ranting but it's been an especially rough couple of days which included spending the night in the er for "severe" pain. He was fine and thoroughly enjoyed chatting with the doctor before we headed home at 3:00 am. I now think his pain was actually just the usual aches and pains we all get as we age.

Praying for a quiet Christmas at home. Wishing you all the kind of season that brings you peace.

cvalz23

It's December 23rd and I don't have a Christmas tree. Or lights. Or garland. Or a poinsettia. Or anything resembling the myriad marvels or joys of Christmas past. Oh, I forgot about feelings. I don't feel it this year, either. Not at all. There's a glimmer of nostalgia inside of me that wants to put up the wonderful ornaments we've collected throughout the years, but I keep thinking, "Really, what's the point?" Watching "The Grinch" this year put a whole new spin on things for me, as I found myself laughing while thinking, "How kind! Now those little Who's don't need to worry about repacking all that tinsel or the Floo-floobers and Tah-tinkers. Give that Grinch a medal!" My sister (who lives in another state) explained it this way, "You're exhausted, girl. Stop stressing about it. You're the only one with expectations, b/c your DH has no clue what day it is or who the heck you are! Just, hang an ornament on your wall and call it a day!" We had a long laugh at that, imagining a single ornament hanging on a blank wall. The Grinch, again! This year's theme, I guess.

I work full-time and have the holiday's off. As we all know, in-home care is very expensive, so I manage without it during the holidays. Thank God for Alzheimer's Adult Day-Care, which he goes to part-time in the afternoon. He is on a list to go there full-time, but the list is long. While I'm at work, I have an in-home caregiver for him for 6 hours in the morning and he also goes to an Alzheimer's Adult Day Care center for 4 hours in the afternoon, where I pick him up after work at 5 pm. I get him home, feed him, change him, clean him, brush his teeth, give him his meds, help him into bed and have a couple of hours for me. Then I wake up at 4:45 am, get him up, shower him, change him, shave him, brush his teeth, dress him and give him his meds, while I get ready for work. Then the caregiver comes at 7 am and I'm off to work to start the day all over again. My sister has point… I'm exhausted. (We all are, aren't we?)

Our only child lives on the opposite coast, but flies home every 3-4 months, when her boss gives her any time off at all. She calls daily and tries to face-time with her Dad, but he just likes to push the buttons on the phone or put it in his mouth…Have you ever Face-timed with a full set of teeth? Terrifying, but funny! :) :)

My DH's family lives 2 hours away and is out of the picture. As far as visiting his sisters and their kids (who used to adore him), it is no longer a thing. The invitations stopped 5 years ago and they don't visit, b/c they just stopped wanting to see their dear brother "like that." Sad. He can't travel anymore anyway, or more honestly, I can't physically manage to travel with a 200 lb., 6-foot tall man who has the care needs of a 1-year old child. They don't even call him on holidays. It's rather tragic. But, my goofy sister and daughter call him and they can even get him to laugh or smile, sometimes :)

So, thank you, fellow travelers for sharing your stories and your realities. Being able to take your advice to set aside the guilt of "what should be" and simply accept "what is" has been a blessing and huge relief. We're under enough pressure, without pressuring ourselves.

Oh, and I found the "one" perfect ornament and hung "it" on the wall. It looks absolutely ridiculous and is hilarious! :) :) :) Merry, Merry, All. Now, what was that about a single malt? ;)

CindyBum

I thought I couldn’t hate Christmas more than I did last year, but this year came around and sure enough….its even worse!

Cheers to that single malt idea. To all of my kinda miserable fellow travelers on this journey. May we all see better days!

Karen711

…to better days! Cheers!

Quilting brings calm

It’s not much better here in recent stage 8. I just want the week to be over. I have a 9 year old granddaughter that I need to he upbeat for though.

MN Chickadee

I remember the daycare center closed for a snow day being hard on my dad and me. When you are in the throes of caregiving the hours move slowly. I get how daunting 2 weeks would be. Do you have any friends or family or neighbors who would come sit with her for an hour or two here and there, just to give you a small break and break up the day a little bit? Make life as easy as you can - minimize meal prep, get take out, don't worry about how much tv she watches, etc. Just do whatever you need to do to get by. Maybe go for long drives? Some music in the car could kill a few hours. It's fair to hate the holidays when these are your circumstances. One way or another it will pass.