It’s been a week

Quilting brings calm

7 days since Mom passed away. The graveside service for her and my step-dad isn’t for another six days. I wish it was later today ( it’s 12:47AM). I feel I need it to happen for ‘closure’. My siblings aren’t coming. I don’t think any of my step-siblings will either. Honestly, I don’t care if anyone comes. I just want it over. We’ve had people tell us they are coming, so I’ve booked a room at the closest restaurant for lunch after.

Today we finished clearing out her apartment. Monday I will pick up the death certificates and begin the process of notifying the credit card, the various insurance companies, etc. I’m dreading it. This is the third round for me in less than two years.

How do I feel? Still relieved - but oddly a little lost? I’ve spent a lot of time at the AL for the last several years. It’s odd for today to be the last time I will probably go there. It’s odd that I won’t get a call from her or see her. Wondering what changes are in store now. Somewhat numb? I think to myself -surely I ought to be feeling something? But then, I felt numb for a year after our son died… so it must just be how I process grief?

JeriLynn66

Thinking of you QBC. Big hugs.

GothicGremlin

Also, thinking of you.

My theory on the numbness? Yes, it's probably the way you process grief, but it could also be the way the brain protects itself from traumatic events. I know for myself, I detach for awhile and it's like I'm on the outside watching it all …. not sure if that's like numbness….

I feel you on the closure aspect. I needed that so badly after Peggy passed away.

Funny you mention your mom's AL facility. I felt much the same way with Peggy's memory care facility. I had spent so much time there, I knew all the staff and I knew many of the residents. When Peggy's best friend and I cleaned out her room and we left for the final time, one of the staff kindly said to me "I hope we run into each other in better circumstances." I said the same back to her, but in my head I was thinking "I hope I never see any of you ever again." And I didn't mean that because I disliked any of them or thought they were horrible people — they were all completely caring and professional. They took wonderful care of Peggy, and I really appreciated them. Still. I don't want to be reminded of the last several years, because frankly, they sucked. So yeah, odd that I'd never be going there again, but also, I was happy that I wouldn't have to.

Quilting brings calm

@GothicGremlin

==in my head I was thinking "I hope I never see any of you ever again.==

I agree with that. I walked out of the facility after dark a few days before Mom died. That night I thought to myself - Once Mom passes, will I be able to force myself through these doors to visit someone who moves in here? I did ok cleaning out the apartment, but I don’t want to cross that threshold again except to pick up any mail that shows up.

tigersmom

QBC, I am sorry that you will have to go through the service without the support of your siblings or step-siblings. I just don’t get the way people are about death. My DH was only in memory care for one month, but I miss going there to see him and the other residents. In that short time, I feel like I got to know some of them, and their families, pretty well. I guess I wanted to because that was where he lived now. As our loved ones suffer one loss after another, we just keep adapting. To not have the ability to see them, though, is really hard. I wish you the strength to get through this final stretch. This is my first time as anyone’s executor, and I can’t imagine doing it two more. My DH died nine weeks ago, and I still feel kind of numb.

Quilting brings calm

@tigersmom

I’m better off without my siblings and step-siblings there. We are the poster children for the dysfunctional family.

This site/forum has given me a lot of support this last four years ( I didn’t know about it for year 1). I wouldn’t know any of you by sight, but I sure feel close to you.

tigersmom

I am sorry, Quilting. I had a really disappointing experience with my youngest sister the day of my husband’s memorial service, so I can relate. I hope you have others to support and help you as you grieve your mom’s loss.

fmb

((QBC))

Everyone processes grief differently. You have planned a service that will give you what you need to grieve and process your loss. Your siblings and step-siblings may not need this type of thing or may be harboring old grudges and hurts. Either way, it is not your responsibility to placate them. Whether they come or not is strictly up to them.

As DH is slowly dying, I have prayed and done all but beg his grandson (whom he raised for 10 years) to come see his grandad one last time. He won't speak to me. I've been told the young man (age 33) is harboring a grudge over perceived slights when he was a child. As much as I know he will come to regret the decision to not see his grandad nor come to the funeral, I cannot force it to happen. The only person he is hurting is himself.

In my own family situation, we will have a funeral mass for my mother (Stage 6 ALZ, CHF) because I want it. My mother and I are practicing Catholics, my brother (an outspoken atheist) and sister are not. However, for my sake they have agreed to a funeral mass when the time comes, and I am very grateful that they are granting me the grace to grieve in the way I require. We are scattered all over the country and have not been at all close until the past year, coming together over our mother's care. I have not seen my brother in 38 years and my sister in 23 years. They have said they will attend, and this means a lot to me. It may very well be the last time I see them.

I, too, have wondered what life will be like when I no longer have a reason to go the the ALF 4-5 days a week. I will miss some of the residents and staff with whom I have become friends. I will definitely grieve the loss of our hospice team, especially the RN, who has been almost a substitute mother to me over the past months. A large hole will be left in my life while I am adrift until I can gradually reinvent myself in my new life that doesn't involve being DH's caregiver. I'm weeping just thinking about these secondary losses.

As for your numb feelings, this is the way the body protects itself from the trauma, allowing you to begin to process the loss and get through the first agonizing weeks. This will eventually wear off, allowing the pain to settle in. Treat yourself with great compassion and grace during this most difficult time. Surround yourself with people who genuinely care and let the rest (even blood relatives) fall away. This is truly a winnowing of the wheat from the chaff. We are here for you in spirit even though we cannot be there in person. ((hugs))

fmb

@Quilting brings calm

Thinking of you today and praying all goes well and that you can begin to get the closure you need. ((hugs))

Quilting brings calm

@fmb

The service was yesterday ( Thursday). An outside pavilion joint service at the area vereran’s cemetary. On what had to be the coldest day of the year so far (17 degrees). We all dressed for the weather, and it was fine. We had lunch afterwards at the restaurant down the street. I do feel better now.

eaglemom

I am glad that everything went how you wanted it to go. And that you do feel better now. We all process grief in very different ways. I think the important thin is to acknowledge your sadness when it does happen. Its real and it does hurt. Equally you can't hurry yourself through the process, it takes time. You will always have a loss, but it won't always be so overwhelming.

Be kind to yourself. eagle