I moved my DW to memory care today

midge333

The move in went ok. I told her I needed surgery on my leg and rehab after. She understood but I could tell she was suspicious that it was a permanent move. We have been together since I was 20 years old. It absolutely killed me to leave her there. I know she feels abandoned and afraid. This is the worst day of my life. I really wanted her to die at home but I was harming myself caring for her at home. This sucks.

CindyBum

Oh midge. Though I haven't had to walk over that bridge yet, I can already imagine the pain of having to make that difficult decision.

Sending you strength and a big ole hug.

Aarron

I feel your pain. I’m moving my DH to a home in 3 days. We’ve been together since high school. I haven’t been without him for 46 years and we’re only 65. Packing up his belongings brings me great sadness as I know this is the end. I feel extreme guilt and unbearable pain. The last 6 years have been painful but this brutal. I told god if you really want him then just take him. Why the long road????

BPS

My experience moving my wife to MC wasn't to bad because she moved straight from the hospital, so it was easy to tell her it was for more therapy. It has been over 8 months now. leaving after visiting does get easier, but the feelings of guilt, worry, and second guessing are still there, but not as bad as at the beginning. Try to stay busy and don't second guess yourself. That is just one more way this is all terrible, at least in my case. Remember why you had to make this hard decision. I will pray for you to have the needed strength.

__Dolly__

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/71439/i-moved-my-dw-to-memory-care-today

My heart goes out to you. We had talked about staying at home and hoping that we won’t have to do that decision. But it seems like his angry outbursts and waking up confusion are becoming a pattern lately. I love my DH so much and I want him to stay in his home if possible.

Dunno

My wife of 52 years also went directly to MC from the hospital. The move was assisted by hospice, which was a huge help. There have been many very sad days, but I keep reminding myself that she is well cared for and safe. Knowing that helps….Hang in there!

Jeanne C.

Hugs to you. It’s hard. I moved my husband to MC in mid October. I still have tough days, but it is getting slowly better. Easier said than done, but try to find ways to stay busy. And be gentle with yourself. It’s okay to be sad.

LindaLouise

It's the hardest, most crushing thing I have ever done - moving my DH to MC. We've been together since we were 20 and turning 69 next year. To see this wonderful, creative, brilliant man lost in a world where he is confused, sad, sometimes angry and increasingly unsure of who anyone is - heart breaking. I have asked the why questions over and over, but moved on and try to accept the reality of what is now. Sometimes I can "see" him sitting on the couch with me, or see someone from afar in the store and I think for a second that it's my DH- back to normal! - or I pick up a note or plan for something he was creating and it's so hard to reconcile what was with the current reality. The mind plays tricks as we try to make sense of this new reality. You are not alone - and the wisdom of those who say to remember why we made this decision is very helpful. I do breathe a little better now, and the sleep that I needed is life saving, and the rages and agitation not being directed at me feels safer - but the sheer power of loneliness and missing my partner of so many years is beyond hard to process. It's been 6 months but some days - for me - feel like I've started over again on this journey of grief. So grateful to know that everyone here understands.

Buggytoo

Oh Midge, this is so heartbreaking. I send hopes that your DW will adjust to the new normal and you can find ways to refresh your spirit as you continue to provide love and comfort to her.

SDianeL

so sorry. I know how you feel. It helped me to make a list of things to stay busy. Things you have put on hold. Also remember why you made the decision. It’s best for you both. Hugs.

Jgirl57

Hugs to you and I hope you are able to get some rest. I have not crossed this bridge but ,You are correct , it sucks.

Joe C.

I believe placement in most often harder on the caregiver spouse than our LO. It is so painful leaving our LOs and going home to an empty house. Be kind to yourself in the coming days, it takes some time to adjust to the new reality.

eaglemom

My heart is heavy in reading these comments. I just can't imagine. Not only does she feel abandon and afraid but so do you. You've been together a lifetime. So so difficult to do.

As has been said, be kind to yourself.

eagle

hiya

I’m so sorry, midge333. I cannot imagine how hard it is. I’m considering MC for DH in the not too distant future. Already, I’m trying to think that it’s actually better for them, socializing, or at least people around, safety 24/7, routine. You can visit snd spend quality time together. Big hugs.

White Crane

midge 333, my heart hurts for you. My DH went straight from the hospital to MC on January 23rd of this year and the pain and grief I felt were crushing. We have been married 57 years and I had wanted to keep him home until the end but wasn't able to. It has taken me all these months to start feeling less lonely living alone. I try to keep busy. I'm at the MC at least three days a week. It's hard, I know, but for your own sake please try to find some activities that interest you and reach out to friends and family. Be gentle with yourself. You will need to grieve this new loss, of course, but you still need to live your life. I'm sorry this is so hard.

Brenda

Carmen M

This post is just gut wrenching. I just placed my LO in Long Term Care after respite. The loneliness and sadness I feel is just unbearable sometimes but I know it's the best decision for my LO. I also picture my LO still sitting on the recliner but reality hits and then I cry.

Hopefully as time passes, the pain will ease.

Denise1847

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/71439/i-moved-my-dw-to-memory-care-today

Midge, I know the feeling. My DH has been in MC for 2 months and still asks to come home. I feel so badly for him and guilty when I leave him. I was mentally and physically dying at home caring for him. I know I cannot bring him home and stay healthy. He doesn't grasp the amount of deficits he has and the care he needs. Hang in there and know you are not alone.