How to handle son’s death

FredW

My wife is at stage 5/6. We found out yesterday her 52 year old son ( my step son) was found dead in his car 1500 miles away. He struggled with alcoholism and drug abuse and was homeless for the past four years living in his car. He refused all help to get him off the streets and into recovery. He has had very little contact with her.

As expected, hearing of his death hit her hard, even though we feared a call like this. Her daughter drove 4 hrs to visit us last night and we all mourned. Her daughter is taking the lead to deal with arrangements.

This morning my wife acted like she forgot the bad news she got yesterday. Her daughter left to return home and my wife has not said anything about her son or showed any signs of mourning.

I’m inclined to not remind her and keep others from remind her by sending condolences. I hate to see her relive the bad news again and again. It feels really strange to keep this from her and to hide my own mourning from her. I know it is suggested we fib for the benefit of the person with dementia, but this just feels all wrong.

What have others done in this case?

jsps139_

You are right about reliving the bad news again and again. It is cruel, in my opinion, to allow them to go through that over and over.
My DH sometimes thinks his parents are alive. He will say … Do my parents live near us? or Did my Mom go back to Florida yet? I say, “Yes and you’ve been to Florida many times right?” And off we go talking about Florida, and he forgets he asked about his parents.

Other times, he says, “My Mom and Dad are dead, aren’t they?” Then I say … “Yes, all of our parents have passed on, but we were so fortunate that we had such nice parents.” And then we talk about our parents and things we did with them.

I would never bring it up again and not take her to any memorial services. What good would that do? We have to protect them from pain at this stage. I would just tell people… we told her but she doesn’t remember, which is a blessing for her.

And, I am so sorry you have lost your stepson. It sounds like he had a rough time of it, which only adds to your mourning, which you are forced to hide so you don’t upset your wife. So sad! My prayers are with you and your family.

Russinator

What jsps139 said sounds right to me

annie51

I, too, am so sorry for your loss and that you’re going through yet one more thing we need to decide how to handle. I subscribe to daily caring tips and they addressed this issue. This is the link - it may not work unless you sign up for the daily emails, but I find many of them helpful.

https://dailycaring.us5.list-manage.com/track/click?u=0fadf8903c402e2380d7beb74&id=3ea1011cc9&e=bd34ee387d

Quilting brings calm

She was told once. I would leave it at that unless she specifically asks if he is still alive(or has passed). I would not take her to a memorial ( if there is one) unless you feel she could handle it and behave in a way that wouldn’t upset her daughter( who is grieving).

eaglemom

I am so sorry for your loss. Even though you said you'd feared you would receive a call like that, it is always difficult. As others have said, you have to just go on and not mention it. It is wonderful that her daughter is taking the lead in everything, and you can give your LO your attention.

Again, as others have said, if there is any service, memorial, or remembrance, I would not take your LO. Its too difficult on her. Number one, its a reminder her son is gone and number two, people will try to talk with her and she'll easily become overwhelmed.

Its so hard not to have your LO to talk to in times like this, but it is just too upsetting for them. Please accept my deepest condolences.

eagle

Carl46

My favorite aunt (my mother's younger sister) died while Mom was in NH with VD. I didn't tell her, and I didn't tell her when her best friend since high school died. Why make her cry?

harshedbuzz

@FredW

I am sorry for your loss. I am also sorry for the decisions being forced on you by circumstances.

The standard advice on this in stage 5/6 is generally exactly what you are proposing. Your instinct to protect her from processing this devastating information over and over is spot on. Some would tell the PWD once, as you have, and then redirect after that if she's forgotten.

Is your step-daughter on the same page? Does she understand that it would be best if she were to mourn her brother without her mom?

FWIW, my younger sister died at 33 from addiction and AIDS some 30 years before dad's dementia reached this stage of forgetting. Because of the time frame, mom and I were not actively mourning her loss so it was easier for us. That said, by the time my sister died, I was pretty "much mourned-out" having anticipated this loss for a good 8 years. DSD may see things as you do.

The service is a tricky thing. My dad attended the visitation of his brother's best friend when he was in this stage against my advice. Granted, he knew the man since he was in elementary school and golfed with him a couple times a year, but behaved inappropriately and upset the family and his brother. The man's widow still casts mom the stink-eye when they run into one another.

Similarly, my late sister's MIL was about this stage when her DH of 65 years died. They'd not had a great marriage and hadn't lived together for a decade with the 2 of the 6 kids as caregivers to mom with ALZ and dad with CHF. The kids wanted her there and so she was. TBH, she was having a great time seeing family and kept forgetting why she was there. Every so often one of her daughters would take her up to the casket to remind her why she was there. She'd ask them why he was sleeping in his suit. Everyone there understood and she didn't seem to appreciate what was really going on, but I don't think she got anything from attending.

HB

BPS

My wifes mother recently died and I told my wife but then changed the subject and she forgot. I told all her siblings that we wouldn't be attending the funeral and why. A short time later someone commented on the death and my wife asked if her mom had died, I told yes but it has been quite a while ago, and she was OK. We are still dealing with the estate but I don't talk about it around her.

fmb

Fred, I am so sorry for your loss. Alcoholism and drug addiction are such cruel diseases for both the sufferer and their family.

When my mother's younger sister died last August, we siblings agreed that the compassionate thing was to not tell our mother. She is in Stage 6 and suffers from extreme anxiety, hallucinations and delusions that we are still struggling to control with medication. We saw no reason to upset her further.