Spouse Wants to start arguing

Billysue

1st time to post. My spouse has mild mix dementia. I am basically her only support. She can go couple of days fine but the sundown gets really hold of her. Spouse wants to argue about almost everything. I try to remove myself to another room, she still confronts me. Now she is locking herself in our bedroom. I can easily get the door open if needed. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

ronda b

Let her dr aware of what and when this happening.

sandwichone123

Hi Billysue, so sorry to hear it. Welcome to the best support group there is. Medication may help, meanwhile there may be no avoiding this, but some things may help. Always agree, or at least don't correct when she's wrong. It can be helpful to respond to the emotional part of the communication, rather than the actual words. Many members have recommended apologizing for whatever she's confronting you about, even though it's not something you did or even something that would be possible.

Medication often takes a few weeks to show noticeable improvement, but the sooner you can get it started the sooner you (and she) will have relief.

SDianeL

Arguing doesn’t work. She can’t reason anymore. After you apologize, try distraction or redirection. A treat, drive in the car. A walk. Keep trying. May not work all the time.

AlzWife2023

My DH doesn’t start arguments but he used to persistently obsess over things that did not make sense or over things he thought we needed to buy that didn’t make sense and he would get combative if I disagreed with him. So I learned, eventually, to just say yes & I’ll buy it tomorrow & that would settle him after a while and he’d forget about it.

If he brought it up again, I’d do the same thing. He never remembered what I’d said before or realized he’d said the same thing over and over. I find he’s much calmer now and obsesses less.

I agree that you should consult the doctor but I wonder if the aruing like the obsessing is just a sign of stress and worry b/c they know they’re losing control. I would definitely try calming distractions like TV or holding hands to reassure your DW as you also pursue a possible medical option.

PS DH gets on at night about when the cat gets fed (I never see her eat) or if the dog needs a walk and he’ll ask over and over when the chimney sweep is coming. This is all after dark, he’s sundowning, which to me means he’s getting tired and vulnerable so he latches on to the immediate things he feels responsible for, but for which he clearly has no agency over any longer. I very simply answer and repeat as many times as necessary but he’s easily distracted by an offering of sweets and a redirection to watch TV so it’s best for us both when I distract & redirect promptly but patiently after alleviating his concerns with simple answers, even if they’re lies.