Questioning what I’m doing

JM27

Hello all,

I’m exhausted. I feel guilty because I feel like at this time I don’t have it as bad as some of the posts I’ve read about things the LO is doing.

My father has been here 5 months now and it’s the same thing everyone day. Thankfully he is still toileting and showering on his own. But has no interest to do things. We had to cutt outing down to about 5-10 mins from the house and at that I am able to get him to walk or go in store with me for about 30 mins then he wants to sit in the car the rest of time. He wants to be home back in his own house ect.

Everyday we have the same ol routine. I feel depressed and tired, exhausted and I believe we haven’t even got to the worst parts of this disease yet.

I’ve toured many memory care places and go back and forth about will there be enough money will he be taken care of correctly ect ect.

But here I believe not having the most pleasant childhood with my LO I’m depressed and realizing that I don’t want to do this and then feel guilty for it. He has no one else that is willing to take on the responsibility.

SusanB-dil

5 months can feel like forever with some situations… like 'this' for example.

Have you looked into adult daycare? Maybe at least 1 day, or 3-4 a week?

Don't feel guilty for not wanting to do all that. For one thing, it is a LOT for anyone. Also - my mom and I were never close, and I don't think I would be able to take on responsibility for her. I'm just not cut out for that. (at least she has my brother, though) We have our hands full with MIL, however, and if not for DH, I'm not so sure I would be so willing to assist as much as I do, considering she has no idea who I am and can get rather nasty with me. I did feel guilty at first for not doing more for her, but I don't any longer, because I realize it is no longer 'really her', it is 'this' disease.

JM27

I have looked into adult day care. However the hours don’t work with my work schedule of the mixed up sleep schedule for my LO.

Thank you for the response. ❤️

sandwichone123

If he doesn't want to do anything your best bet might to let him not do anything. Is there anyone else in the household? If not, you might try to find someone for two evenings a week—perhaps a student or member of a church, so you can get OUT!!!!!

To be honest, for many families this is the worst part of the disease—when they still seem like they could do stuff, but they can't.

JM27

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/231016#Comment_231016

Hi,

Thank you. My husband and my daughter. Most of the time it is just me and my LO due to work and school for both of them. I am currently in the process of seeing if I can get respite care. The thing is that I’m so exhausted I would like to not have to leave the house and just relax or nap myself.

sandwichone123

It may be time to consider placement. When a healthy person is giving up their life to care for a terminally ill person it's time for a change. Consider talking to an elder lawyer about qualifying him for Medicaid. People with dementia can can start to attack the kids, and your first responsibility is to your husband and daughter, and to yourself.

Anonymousjpl123

You have already done the very hard and most important thing: taking on the responsibility or making sure your loved one gets care: that’s amazing. Now, it is a question of what are the best options? If you are not a ready financially for MC, can you get someone in 2 or 3 times a week? For 5 hours? Like, enough to really give yourself a break? It’s the oxygen mask, so to speak.

For what it’s worth it took a while, but overall my mom has done well in MC. I am there all the time, and she even visits home (though not frequently). She has finally gotten to a place where her MC feels like home and I literally never thought that would happen. But every person with dementia is different, every situation different. I would find a way to get two solid chunks of time a week - at minimum - just for you to relax a minute. Truly. You need that.

JM27

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/231169#Comment_231169

Thank you very much. MC is an option but again the financial part is on the fence because just never know the length of time he would be there.

I currently am trying to get respite care scheduled and hope that will definitely help me a few times a week.

Thank you for the support and advice.