Socializing for Caregivers May Be Overrated

WIGO23

I read an interesting article that indicated that not everyone needs a social network of friends. In fact, some of us do quite well alone without the inevitable dramas that friends bring into our lives. As I am currently without a single local friend due to moving, I found this comforting. I realized that seeking to find new friends is driven more by what I think I should do instead of what I want to do.
I really don’t want to have lunch with someone who talks about their life or question me about mine. Solitude over a meal out is more what I need. Quiet walks alone is what I need. Window shopping trips alone are what I need.
Rest from caregiving brings images of solitude not socializing when I focus on my needs and not the SHOULDS.
Does this resonate with anyone else?

harshedbuzz

@WIGO23

I feel like this is going to be very dependent on the individual. Different temperaments have different needs. My mom suffered as dad's disease isolated her. She's passive by nature and used to being dragged along for social interaction— she was the baby of nine kids and married a social butterfly and can't seem to get traction on building a social life. She misses it.

As an adult child, which is a very different situation, I am pretty social, but I do need time significant alone to keep myself on an even keel. I found certain friends more valuable to me than others when dad had dementia. One friend and I each had a parent with dementia— we talked a lot and met for lunch regularly to talk about our experiences. Time with her was better than hearing about someone's else's vacation plans when I was felling trapped. Two other friends with older moms had memory issues got it but were not in a position to be as hands on as I was. In both cases, their mom was in a facility in another state. While both visited their LO a lot neither had the day-in-day-out. Ironically, my BFF didn't get it and still doesn't.

She's 15 years younger than her next oldest sibling and was not in the loop when her parents needed care and just doesn't get it. Sometimes her comments are really out there. She's the kindest and most generous individual I know but yikes.

HB

BPS

When my wife went into MC I had retired a year earlier to be home with her, so I gave up a business I liked then she was not around and I was alone at home with nothing to do. I thought I needed to be around other people so I went to several senior groups a few times but never really enjoyed them. I am starting to be more comfortable alone doing a project at home.

Russinator

Everybody's different. For me I'm better alone; however, I do enjoy playing chess with Kenny (my best friend). In our younger days Ken and I used to surf, play tennis and snow ski together -plus- we and our two wives would get together from time to time.

Biggles

My DH and I moved here 2 years ago, no friends only our daughter, son in law, and grandsons. I found I don’t need friends, most have dropped out anyway, but I felt the need for interests and hobbies that we could do together. We’ve successfully found Sailability (we sailed extensively in a past life) this is a group of beautiful caring people; an art class, I paint my DH and puppy come and sit on the couch and watch or sleep, again a special group of people. Gardening which I have never done before and a lovely local nursery where we talk about plants and a new puppy we take everywhere including an off-leash social day once a month, all very specific interests where the talk is also specific. So I don’t need friends or my time just our time for however long we have left.

Cheryl11

I understand this desire to have solitude. However, for me it can be about balance. Some days I want the quiet to "just be" and other days I'll accept an invitation for lunch. My DH has VD and can still be alone for 2-3 hours. I need the time alone for self care not isolation. Balance. I guess that's what I'm saying helps me.

trottingalong

I have never been outgoing, but had friends I enjoyed visiting now and then. Riding my horse is my true joy and getting out on the trail. This past year I rode twice. I used to ride 5 times a week. My trailer just sits. I do spend approximately two hours a day cleaning stalls (friends house) and grooming my horse. That’s where my horse lives. She has two goats and a dog that are also my buddies. She works, so it’s my place to relax and be with the animals. I miss riding, my true passion.

Jeanne C.

It’s mixed for me. Especially after my husband moved to MC, I had to force myself to get out. Joined a book club. Went to the “ladies luncheon” in my neighborhood. Spent time volunteering. Now that I’m a little more used to being alone, I find I often enjoy it. I still do things, but I’m able to choose to do things I enjoy and don’t force it as much. Yesterday I met some close friends in Philly for dinner. I still do my volunteer work and meet my cousin for breakfast. I’ve stopped going to the ladies luncheon because I am, frankly, 20 years younger than most of the attendees and wasn’t finding common ground. I do attend the book club when the book interests me. I think we can eventually find a balance. What I’m very careful about is looking for signs that I’m spiraling. For example, last week I spent two days home, mostly in bed, with no ambition to do anything. Day three I got my butt up, showered, and out of the house even though I wanted to sleep. And I let my cousin know so he knew to check in.
So, what I’m suggesting is do what feels right, but keep an eye on how you’re feeling too. Take care.

jsps139_

I agree it depends on the person. I have no problem staying home or going on our little outings - just us. I also don’t mind the same routines every single day. I guess I have always been a loner, which makes this isolation with caregiving a lot easier on me.