I'm new to all of this!

tiredWen

I'm the daughter Of A newly diagnosed Vascular dementia patient , my 86 yr old dad. Our situation is pretty unique. He's living alone For the 1st time in his entire life. The love of his life And my mom died in 2012 After 5 year battle With cancer in which my dad took care of her at home. He moved in with my brother After that, We started noticing Some changes in him mentally. My brother hid Depression issues of his own- And a year ago With my dad in the house, My brother Took his own life With a gun. My dad heard it, found him & tried to revive him. So he and I we're just a small family there was just the 4 of us, have been through A lot in the past 12 years. We are still grieving both of them. I am his daughter And I am married, but to a narcissistic emotional abuser. I get absolutely no support From him And he takes pleasure In making things harder For me. I do have 2 adult sons, married with children But they live at least an hour away both of them both of them. Theyve always been very close with their grandparents. They have been helping me somewhat. My dad was admitted to a hospital November 1st. Initially, we thought for a stroke--He was talking nonsense. But 18 days later He was forced out By the hospital. Physically, He is much younger Than his years.2 months ago he was jogging daily. But this came on very quickly. He . He has vascular dementia. I'm told it moves fast... . Physically they could find no reason to keep him In the hospital. But because No one has any extra space- even an extra room-He had to go back To his retirement apartment Alone. There's no care given there. It's in a different town than I It's in a different town than I am I am. I'm about 25 minutes away. Not ideal But the hospital Wanted him out And we're threatening to discharge him to a homeless shelter! I am under incredible stress- With everything I have just listed. But the #1 Issue is--I am someone he absolutely Despises. I am his medical POA. And for some reason After my mom died He suddenly turned on me. His goal in life now Is to keep me distanced from anything related to finances & his medical health.He did sign the medical POA when he was in the hospital but he did not know what he was signing. He is also extremely angry and aggressive All the time. Agitated as well He gets physical with me. He has hit me, He has called me every name in the book , when we are in the car He will grab at the door handles Trying to get out- hit the dash, Grab the steering wheel Hit the ceiling and scream. He also does this in his apartment When I try and have any discussion About his finances Of which I do not have POA Or of his medical feelings And condition.. You can understand now Maybe why I am so stressed.... I tried and help him Anything I bring up--He fights. We were told that he was denied medicate because his social security Was too much. He has no money other than the social security. We do not have the funds to Put him in a facility. I am fighting and have been since November To get him approved for Medicaid, And I'm working with a local organization. It is a huge battle. Meanwhile He is living alone With me running up there Everyday. I am also working full time Because I have to. I'm gonna stop here There is much more but As to how to deal with his tantrums... And the frustration Off being blocked by him When I try and get him help Something even as simple as meals on wheels Since I am in a different city That would be helpful to me and him.. But he won't........

tiredWen

> @tiredWen said:
> I'm the daughter Of A newly diagnosed Vascular dementia patient , my 86 yr old dad. Our situation is pretty unique. He's living alone For the 1st time in his entire life. The love of his life And my mom died in 2012 After 5 year battle With cancer in which my dad took care of her at home. He moved in with my brother After that, We started noticing Some changes in him mentally. My brother hid Depression issues of his own- And a year ago With my dad in the house, My brother Took his own life With a gun. My dad heard it, found him & tried to revive him. So he and I we're just a small family there was just the 4 of us, have been through A lot in the past 12 years. We are still grieving both of them. I am his daughter And I am married, but to a narcissistic emotional abuser. I get absolutely no support From him And he takes pleasure In making things harder For me. I do have 2 adult sons, married with children But they live at least an hour away both of them both of them. Theyve always been very close with their grandparents. They have been helping me somewhat. My dad was admitted to a hospital November 1st. Initially, we thought for a stroke--He was talking nonsense. But 18 days later He was forced out By the hospital. Physically, He is much younger Than his years.2 months ago he was jogging daily. But this came on very quickly. He . He has vascular dementia. I'm told it moves fast... . Physically they could find no reason to keep him In the hospital. But because No one has any extra space- even an extra room-He had to go back To his retirement apartment Alone. There's no care given there. It's in a different town than I It's in a different town than I am I am. I'm about 25 minutes away. Not ideal But the hospital Wanted him out And we're threatening to discharge him to a homeless shelter! I am under incredible stress- With everything I have just listed. But the #1 Issue is--I am someone he absolutely Despises. I am his medical POA. And for some reason After my mom died He suddenly turned on me. His goal in life now Is to keep me distanced from anything related to finances & his medical health.He did sign the medical POA when he was in the hospital but he did not know what he was signing. He is also extremely angry and aggressive All the time. Agitated as well He gets physical with me. He has hit me, He has called me every name in the book , when we are in the car He will grab at the door handles Trying to get out- hit the dash, Grab the steering wheel Hit the ceiling and scream. He also does this in his apartment When I try and have any discussion About his finances Of which I do not have POA Or of his medical feelings And condition.. You can understand now Maybe why I am so stressed.... I tried and help him Anything I bring up--He fights. We were told that he was denied medicate because his social security Was too much. He has no money other than the social security. We do not have the funds to Put him in a facility. I am fighting and have been since November To get him approved for Medicaid, And I'm working with a local organization. It is a huge battle. Meanwhile He is living alone With me running up there Everyday. I am also working full time Because I have to. I'm gonna stop here There is much more but As to how to deal with his tantrums... And the frustration Off being blocked by him When I try and get him help Something even as simple as meals on wheels Since I am in a different city That would be helpful to me and him.. But he won't........

Please note-- I was using my phones " talk to text" feature, so I am re-reading my post and seeing the grammar an punctuation errors and do apologize for that. I am NOT as ignorant as my post sounds. Just stressed, and so very tired.

SusanB-dil

Hi tiredwen - welcome to 'here', but sorry for the reason.

no, no - the violence in any form is unacceptable. You can call 9-1-1 and tell them the situation and have him brought to geriatric-psych. They can deal with that and adjust to the right meds to get that under control.

You could also call social services on him, since he should not be living alone. Since you do not have POA, you would have to go for guardianship, which is more effort and hassle. Under the circumstances, however, you'd really have to think about even wanting that responsibility.

Vascular does not necessarily move fast. MIL has alz and vasc. It can plateau for a while, then there's another 'drop' and decline.

Do you feel stuck where you are? There is assistance for that situation as well, as you know that isn't good, either.

editing to add: after geri-psych, you can tell them that you cannot take him, and it is not safe for him to be in his home. Check on that, but it MIGHT be on them to get him situated - and not homeless.

cdgbdr

I feel for you. Try calling adult protective services in his town. They may opt to pursue guardianship which you may not want to take on. Geri-psych may also be an option to address his violent behavior. You must not sacrifice yourself and your health. This is a tragic situation. His safety and your health should be addressed.

Anonymousjpl123

Since you are aready working to secure Medicaid you are on the right track. I would also call adult protective services, as that might help speed the process. Also they can check on him more safely than you can by yourself. You can also see if there are resources that are affordable for someone to look in on him. You cannot tolerate abuse - not safe for either of you. If needed, I strongly recommend calling the Al’s association hotline. Their phones are staffed by true professionals who know what they are doing. I called them like 3 times in the beginning of this journey and it was immensely helpful! # is somewhere on this website.

Victoriaredux

Being on medicaid doesn't mean they will swoop in - problem solved , getting a medicaid bed at a MC can still be a challenge and require a lot of time arranging .Medicaid is a state program and states vary in what is covered.

"But the hospital Wanted him out And [were] threatening to discharge him to a homeless shelter" He was their patient and they are required to release him to a safe place. Instead they pushed you into taking him back to his place - if it comes up again- refuse , no room/not safe at any of our houses since he'd be alone during the day or completely at his house. Repeat , repeat,repeat.

Please do call the hotline for ideas. Having another person/govt agency manage things for your father maybe the solution. And, if I may, ask about yourself - you deserve to feel safe and valued. We only get one go -round in this life.