Dad won’t stop correcting my mother

ralstoncowgirl · December 15

Hi I am new to the group. My mom is in early stages. My dad is has not accepted the dementia and still thinks he can “fix” it. He constantly corrects her when she says something that isnt right. How can I get across to him that it isnt good for her?

H1235 · December 15

Welcome. Would he go to some kind of workshop on dementia? Would he be willing to watch a short YouTube video if you set it up for him? Could you ask the doctor to briefly explain it’s best not to correct. The older generation often believe doctors know everything and unless you have gone to medical school you don’t know what you are talking about. Correcting her is going to cause so much trouble (anger, frustration) for your mom. I have attached a quick and simple guide and a staging tool that might be helpful. There are many other great resources in groups under new caregivers. I hope you can find some way to get through to him.

https://static1.squarespace.com/static/6372d16ea4e02c7ce64425b7/t/63f7b80d80d8aa3e3aa4a47d/1677178894184/DBAT.pdf

harshedbuzz · December 15

I had this very situation with my mom. For her, there was a degree of anger at her partner being "less than" and forcing her to give up her carefree retirement for caregiving. This was complicated by a less-than-ideal marriage at times and the self-inflicted nature of his alcohol-related dementia. His was not the pleasantly befuddle version of dementia either— it magnified his worst personality traits.

I tried to explain strategies like Validation and joining him where he was, but she was very resistant. More than once I was called to the house to calm things down when he started to escalate to aggression. I can imagine it might be harder for you, given that you may be a daughter attempting to retrain a man of a certain generation who would be dismissive of "children" and daughters in particular.

What helped me was getting mom to a local in-person support group. There, her peers— spouses of PWD in the trenches— told her the exact same thing as I had been. Unlike me, she listened and took their advice to heart. Sometimes the messenger matters— a support group, good friend or respected physician might be more successful with this message than you are.

HB

eaglemom · December 15

I would agree, a support group for both of your parents would be wonderful. If, there's the catch, if he would agree to it. Do you think he'd attend? Would you attend with him? That might help encourage him to attend. Make it all be about helping mom. Your dad is scared of what's ahead, so his way of stopping it is to correct her. We all know that isn't helping, and on some level your dad knows also, but he's scared. Be very gentle with him, encourage him to help your mom.

As far as support groups, it might also help him if you were to do the leg work for him. Find the support groups that are available in your area for him. Many groups meet virtually also, you don't even have to leave the house. Personally, my DH & I participate in a daily zoom dementia program. You have to do some searching, but programs are available.

eagle