Well, That Didn’t Go Well

CindyBum

Oh, ya’ll. I had such success in getting someone in to clean the house as the cover to getting someone eyes on my DW while I work. That’s just one day and I’ve found I’ve run myself ragged trying to balance working from home, going to the office for a few hours, racing home, etc. Totally unsustainable.

So, I tried today to add another person to my helpers .. someone to cook for us was my play. DW saw right through it, burst into tears, then I burst into tears and she cried and said, “I don’t want to!” A bit like a wounded child. Sigh

I want her to want to help me out with this,, but that’s pure delusion on my part. I know she can’t understand it all or why it’s necessary for me to get more help. That’s it’s not really safe anymore to leave her alone for the two hours at a time I’ve been doing these last 6 months.

And I know I have to make the call for her safety and my own health, but I hate the hurt this is causing her. The pain of this journey just doesn’t stop.

charley0419

everyday starts new journey and yes it’s heartbreaking

Jgirl57

sorry………; it was a good try

Biggles

I’m hearing you with so much understanding. The heartbreak while trying to make things work or get things right is abhorrent. What to do and how to do it, questions, questions, questions and a big sigh because the person you would like to discuss this with is now not capable and all these questions are for them. I have had no success with home help/alias home companion or respite centre for a few hours etc so at the moment I’ve given up and I feel much calmer and kinder towards my DH. I can now concentrate on things we can do together. Up until 3 months ago we would go kayaking I would of course do all the preparations, kayak on roof of the car, picnic lunch with thermos of coffee, folding chairs we loved it. A lot of work for 1/2 hour kayaking back for sandwich & coffee, another 1/2 hour kayaking the other way on the river but it’s no longer safe to leave him, I was concerned about him wandering off. So it’s hang up the kayak which I really loved doing. My selfish thought is I’m 75 now by the time we get through this I will probably be past doing anything!! Again I would rather have it this way than watch the hurt and confusion on his face if I left him anywhere - my choice I’m happy with that. So sorry I haven’t anything to offer, good luck keep posting.

cdgbdr

I know how you feel. My DH doesn't like the companion most days but I have to work and he can't be alone all day. I have cameras to observe and sometimes they talk, other times he is just present "in case". It's a huge help to me for taking him to appointments so I can just meet them, and to be at the house for deliveries, etc. So far, he unhappily tolerates the companion. We met with him together before he started.

clarinetist

When we had to get 24/7 care for my mom, she hated the caregiver at first and was mean to her.. My brother told her it was the caregiver or assisted living, so she reluctantly chose the caregiver. Over time the very patient caregiver won my mom over (but it took months). Eventually my mom didn’t like being without her caregiver. We called her care giver “the mom whisperer.” A good caregiver is worth his/her weight in gold.

M5M

I totally understand. DH hates the idea of what he calls a babysitter. It’s taken several months to ease him into being comfortable with our caregiver. It’s working pretty well now and I am able to leave feeling ok. If I could start over in an ideal scenario , .I would introduce the person as a friend I hadn’t seen in a while, or a lady from church. I would first meet and vet the person outside of our home, then have her come for a visit with me. I would introduce her to DH as “look, here is my friend Susie, I mentioned she was coming by today”, and have her stay for a social visit with me… several times. I would have her make cookies with me to see where things are in the kitchen, and then DH and I could rave over her cookie recipe together. Unfortunately we don’t typically have the benefit of much time and it’s a harder adjustment period.
Bottom line, I have stayed at the house for many of those first times. Now, when I leave, always make it clear to DH that my friend “is going to fold the laundry while I go pick up my prescription “…. Or whatever. It is working now.

midge333

I finally placed my DW because she refused to let me have any help, including our own kids. I could have kept going at home if I had a day or two of help per week.

CindyBum

Thank you all. My DW is so stirred up this morning from it all. She thinks we're breaking up and that I have a new love interest now. Sigh.

I am so going to have this woman, who my DW knows already, come over to help me make some meals and just tell my DW it's for my help and see if I can't slowly start heading out while I cook with her for a while. Thank you for that lovely suggestion!

CindyBum

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/231391#Comment_231391

Oh midge333. That just breaks my heart. I am so sorry.

Denise1847

My DH would not accept having any help in the house. He even fussed when I had major back surgery and needed someone to clean the house for 6 months. He wouldn't go to day care. The only time I had help was if my son or sister came over for 2 - 3 hours to give me a break. When he was admitted for COVID for a month and he declined further, I took the opportunity to move him into memory care. I just couldn't take it anymore - mentally, physically and emotionally. It isn't easy and I feel badly that he couldn't be home but the situation was not sustainable for me.

It is a very difficult decision but you may need to consider it. You do deserve a life. A doctor told me not to die on my sword. Good advice.

Lary

While there are no easy answers it’s at least a little comforting to know I’m not alone with this dilemma. Friends tell me to do this and do that, none of which my DW would understand nor accept. And I cannot bear to hurt her. She shadows me everywhere. But, I’ve just tried to make peace with it. It is what it is. My only goal left in life is to see her through this horrible disease.

mrahope

@midge333 You are in the exact situation I was. I had to place DH because he wouldn't accept care from a day center, two different in-home caregivers, or (at the end) even my DS for 2 hours. The only good thing happened when he was placed. The latest report I've gotten is that he is doing very well in MC.

OhDear

I am in your exact situation now. I've tried in-home help several times. Now, I really need it but for me and for him. He rants and says he will not accept these people touching him. I tried the "it's just a friend to help me" and it didn't work. Now, I get out of the caregiver's way and just let it happen. Sometimes, my DH goes with it and sometimes, there's stony silence. I feel VERY guilty, but he's able to shower now, dressed, fed and I am able to do the errands which he can no longer do with me. Now that's he's Stage 6, it was too much for both of us to try to cope. (Note: I was let go from my job 2 years ago and haven't been able to work since. No unemployment because I won't even look for work now.) It's a terrible disease - but I'm hoping this patient caregiver will stay and be comfort to both of us. I think in the long-term it is best for now.

Denise1847

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/71495/well-that-didn-t-go-well

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/71495/well-that-didn-t-go-well

Oh how I feel your pain. My DH would not accept caregivers, housekeepers etc. in the home. He would not go to daycare. I was going mental downhill, even with an antidepressant. Then he got COVID, was hospitalized for one month. I had to make the decision: bring him home and continue my demise or place him in memory care. He is 2.5 months into it and asks me constantly when he can go home. He doesn't understand his limitations, thinks he can do everything for himself, even drive. It crushes me to visit him and I pray he comes to adapt and find peace at MC. It is a terrible way to end a marriage and life - his thinking I don't care, and the family doesn't want him.

A physician once told me "Not to die on my sword with this disease." At the time, I didn't fully get it. Now I do. I constantly struggle with the moral dilemma of saving myself or bringing him home and letting the disease rot and kill me.