How to get through the holidays

martylongo

My father passed away from Alzheimer's in July. It's been a rough month since Thanksgiving. I miss having my father around espically around the holidays.

fmb

@martylongo I hear what you're saying. The holidays are frequently difficult for those of us who have lost or are losing loved ones. It seems like everywhere we turn there is a reminder that triggers our grief.

My DH is in late Stage 7 ALZ, and I didn't expect him to live to see Christmas this year. Thanksgiving was always our big holiday, and it was brutal for me, knowing that it would be our last. I failed to make plans for myself beyond seeing DH for a couple of hours over lunch at his ALF, and that was a mistake. I sank into a terrible pity party because I was home alone, not having been invited anywhere else.

For Christmas, I have made specific plans which involve attending Christmas Eve mass, then spending part of Christmas day with DH before coming home and having a special dinner (lasagna, which I will make in advance). I also have deliberately scheduled a number of things for me to do over the next couple of weeks to get me out of the house and around other people in small doses.

If you have holiday gatherings to attend, be kind to yourself. Go, stay for a while, but have a graceful exit planned if it becomes too difficult to stay. Some people find it helps to reminisce with others about their deceased loved ones, others try to stay away from the memories. Create your own small holiday ritual to honor your father's memory.

With my mother in an MCF 1000 miles away with Stage 6 ALZ, my former husband dying this summer, and my current husband inching closer to death, I often feel like I have been grieving forever. It helps me to focus on the blessings I still have, not what I am losing. Still there are days when all I do is cry.

Be gentle with yourself. Respect your body; grief is physical, not just emotional. Take good physical care of yourself, especially in this cold & flu season, stay hydrated and eat and drink in moderation. You need to heal.

Give grace to others, especially when they seem to say all the wrong things. Honor your grief, but also make room in your life for joy. Life will get better. ((hugs))

CFinSLC

I just wanted you both to know that I read this last week, before Christmas, on a really bad night and knowing you were out there made me feel much less alone.

My mom died on August 30–my dad the year before—so this was my first Christmas without either of them. Last year, I spent so much time and energy focused on helping my mom through her first Christmas without her husband of 62 years. Frankly, it was exhausting. This year, I’ve been mostly numb.

But I took @fmb’s advice and made plans with friends. I’m still pretty lost and numb, but at least I know I’m not alone. Thank you.

fmb

@CFinSLC I am so sorry for the loss of your mom and dad. Coming so close together just compounds the grief. I'm glad that my words were able to help you. Be gentle with yourself. Even with out best intentions and plans, the grief and depression can get the better of us. Despite the plans I had made, I was still very depressed and feeling suicidal Christmas Eve night. But Christmas Day dawned, and I spent most of the day with DH. He was happy, and that's what counts. I can't say I felt any joy, but I did find a sense of peace that comes from knowing I was where I was supposed to be that day.

May you find peace and comfort. ((hugs))

Quilting brings calm

We all made it through Christmas. It was ok. An extended family lunch and games on Christmas Day and a lunch and gift exchange with our son and granddaughter today. It wasn’t the same without our younger son- 2nd one since his passing. My spouse didn’t do very well this entire week. I think we’d really like to be out of town next year - but that leaves our son with no one to celebrate with but his daughter. He doesn’t really spend much time with my spouse’s family. We married when he was 9, and even though my spouse adopted him, he just never took to that side of the family. He does consider my spouse to be his dad and that’s what’s important.