Holiday

Katie S

My mom moved into memory care AL in September. I am wondering how people have navigated the holidays with outings to the home setting? We are fearful it would be triggering to her but I am also unsure she remembers this house since she was only there June-September.
I just want her to be comfortable and happy

Klako

My dad moved to AL on Dec 27, 2022. We have not brought him out for a holiday since. It is not easy…because I want him to be part of the holidays. However, he is not really capable of that anymore. Taking him out of his environment even for a doctor appointment disrupts his normal. I don’t think holidays even register with him anymore. In the moment he might know it is the holiday but then a few minutes go by and he is asking if it is the holiday again. The people of this forum helped me to realize that my needs or wants probably didn’t match my dad’s. And at least at my dad’s AL I was surprised that there were quite a few people who did not go away for the holiday, I thought he would be the only one.

Anonymousjpl123

I am sorry for the late reply. First, I wish you a warm holiday even though this disease changes everything about our holidays.

Second, you “want her to feel comfortable and happy.” There’s no right way. I have - and still want - to take my mom home for holidays. She sometimes truly seems to love it, and other times it has been a disaster. What has been more important has been really trying to be there with her. Wherever we are. Sometimes holidays have been heartbreaking, other times beautiful.

Your mom is still very new to her place: I would recommend giving her time to adjust, but it’s hard. Since she may not even remember the house I would say most important is a nice visit, maybe small gifts, and sharing that you want that for her. She will know anyway, on some level.

I am three years into this role and there is no right way. Ask the staff - they will know. And low key/low expectations for yourself and her.

H1235

If you do decide to take her out for the holidays I would recommend keeping the gathering very very small. Lots of commotion, kids running around, lots of people talking at once, can be confusing and stressful for a pwd. If she is not aware it’s Christmas I would not take her out. I think when it gets to that point you are doing for yourself, not for her( imho).

eaglemom

Is she asking to go to the house for the holiday? So many facilities have nice activities and family type of meals, that might be a better way to go. You join her at her facility for a meal or just time together. Taking them out of the environment in which they are comfortable can be a trigger. If its a big gathering that frankly would be overwhelming.

Of course we all want to be together and enjoy one another. But alas, sometimes this ugly disease won't allow that and we have to adapt to the next best thing for our LO. Keeping them safe, warm and happy is high on the list.

eagle

--Rebecca--

I never brought my parents back to their home. It would trigger resentful feelings. And it also would stir up questions with upsetting answers. "What happened to my drawer of nail clippers?" "Why can't I just stay here?"

With the Holidays, I had to keep asking myself, "Am I doing this for me, or for them?" They are barely functioning with each day being the same. Taking them elsewhere for a good part of the day disrupts their routine and is unkind. We are taking my dad out for lunch on Christmas eve. [Rest in Peace, mom].

CaliforniaGirl-1

Think about who she is now and whether you are taking her out because of what you want for her and who you wish she was still or for her as she is now? Once I started asking myself, is this really for my LO and will they enjoy it or is it still part of my wishes for how I would like things to be, everything got easier.

My LO feels safe and is not frightened and knows she is loved and that has to be enough. A PWD is unlikely, depending on the stage to enjoy a family holiday celebration which can be chaotic and someone will need to supervise them at all times.

Bring the holidays to her.

psg712

I appreciate the suggestion to ask myself if I'm doing something for mom or more for myself...or to satisfy other family and friends that I'm including her, keeping holiday traditions for her , etc, etc. Even my DH, who understands her situation well, suggested that we take her to church with us on Christmas eve. I haven't taken her to church since summer because (1) she sleeps through service or nervously chews on the inside of her cheek while staring into space and (2) lots and lots of viral illnesses have been going around this fall. When I pointed out to DH the risk of illness, he agreed that she should not go to a crowded gathering (he himself spent a week in hospital with pneumonia this fall). But I am sure that we will have family and friends who are appalled that we wouldn't take her to the service. It was important to her in the past, but she no longer understands what holiday it is nor recalls past traditions.

We brought her to my house for Thanksgiving - total gathering of six people, no small kids - and she seemed to enjoy being together even though she didn't recognize the holiday. Thought we'd do the same for Christmas, until my son woke with a 101 degree fever this morning. Unless he makes a complete recovery overnight, I will not bring mom here to expose her. I guess there are blessings in her not knowing it's the holiday - she won't feel left out. The people who criticize this decision were not here to see her 3 week hospital stay and 7 weeks in rehab last year after a covid infection. Just saying. Please God give me patience and kindness toward these friends ...

v3

Some people just have uninformed "check the box" ideas of what a holiday should be.

You know your family and your Mom the best. Your decision. Just smile and say to any shade they try to drop—"I'll tell Mom you asked about her " [ as if she'd remember them] and then ask them a question…"ever finish that quilt? hmmm? well did ya?"

[Frankly, I have no time for these Mrs Kravitz types.]

Jo C.

It would be far best to avoid negative outcomes including being exposed to viruses which are in abundance this time of the year. Weighing all the dynamics applied to the Christmas holiday including possible risks, etc.; we decided to bring the party to our LO rather than risk those other dynamics that carried possible negative issues/outcomes. Those who attended our "Christmas," were the small group that were close to her who also visited her fairly often at the NH so she already was seeing them and being "exposed" to them. We also all monitored our health and took our temps to hopefully keep things well.

We brought a few gaily wrapped gifts, a few favorite holiday foods and treats, we actually reserved a small room for our tiny gathering so we also brought lunch. It worked really well and all was very pleasant and enjoyed. It was not overwhelming; all was on the smaller, shorter time side; yet very enjoyable side.

When the facility had their Christmas party, we returned as guests of the facility and joined in with our LO in that too. All worked very well and was easy to do and really enjoyed by all.

J.

CaliforniaGirl-1

I brought my LO some special holiday treats that I thought might make her smile and remind her of long ago, She wasn't much interested and didn't react. But she was happy to see me. It is a little more complex because my darling LO is extremely elderly and frail.

They will give them to her today when she is less tired. I am full of memories today about her.

kblau

First holidays since mom’s been in MC. Took her out for Thanksgiving (made a post about it too) and it was great. So special and she did really well. Then, I had her over for Xmas and it was a disaster. She was sad, crying, grieving my dad (passed in 2014) and couldn’t find joy in being with my 4 year old. I’m heartbroken. I hate seeing her like this.

This disease is unpredictable and that sucks.

Katie S

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/231469#Comment_231469

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/231469#Comment_231469

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/231469#Comment_231469

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/231797#Comment_231797

Katie S

thank you all for the ideas, support and encouragement. Ultimately, we ended up bringing her to the house for lunch. She did well at first and really enjoyed seeing her dog, listening to her favorite holiday music and looking at Christmas decorations. But as the day progressed she became upset and paranoid which isn’t uncommon. I could redirect her delusions by changing music and removing clutter (gifts, wrapping paper).
Overall, She seemed happier and more comfortable for a majority of the time and I was comforted to see her eating well and smiling.
I know it will be different next year but this year I think it was a good decision for her happiness and comfort.
I think I would recommend for anyone looking to do the same - be flexible, know the plan will change and you will need to look for the cues and when tour LO becomes agitated and needs to leave or change scenery.
I am just happy my mom saw her dog, sang along to the music and smiled.

Emily 123

Great to hear, Katie! Do the holidays as long as it doesn't stress her out and it doesn't stress you out. Every person's different.

My mom tolerated being out of her facility for less and less time over the years, though I haven't taken her out since we moved her into her 'real' MC in February. Her mobility has decreased to a point that it didn't seem safe. Even before then she could really only do about 30-45 minutes for a quick lunch before wanting to get back. I knew it was going to be the last fancy Thanksgiving for us when she sat on the sofa at my home, looking up once in a while from her iPad solitaire as I ran around with my hair on fire, getting everything out of the oven and setting a nice table. She came to the table, looked at it, and said ''Fancy! What's the occasion?'' I think if it weren't for the promise of dessert she'd have been looking for her coat in the next 10 minutes. LOL.