Parent in denial

DaniD12

Hello, I am new to this forum and am seeking some assistance in how to best navigate getting someone to be seen for concerns of dementia/alzheimers? My mother has been exhibiting symptoms for a few years and her memory and ability to convey her thoughts clearly are greatly diminishing. She refuses to acknowledge this anytime my family and I bring it up and she refuses to go to the doctor.

I find that I get very upset and frustrated quite quickly when around my mother and I feel this is due to her denial and my sadness watching her deteriorate right in front of my eyes.

Does anyone have any advice as to how to convince someone to go to the doctor to start talking about what's going on and what the next steps are? I don't want it to get to the point where nothing is in place and she is no longer in the right state to make decisions, because I don't know how much of a struggle it would be to get the right paperwork filed for a POA and health care proxy. I believe right now my father is the HCP, and she is his, but my father has medical issues of his own (Parkinson's being the main diagnosis).

I just want to find a way to get professional healthcare help for her. Can I call her physician with my concerns? How can a family help someone who refuses to acknowledge that there is a problem?

SusanB-dil

Hi DaniD12 - welcome to 'here', but sorry for the reason. Mom most likely has anosognosia. Do look it up. This is not denial, but rather, she doesn't recognize that anything is wrong. That is her reality. You will need to look at it from her perspective, and everybody else is wrong. Do not discuss the issue or diagnosis with her.

You can definitely call her doc, or write a note, or through the patient portal. However, if you are not on her HIPAA accesses, they will not be able to reply back. A lot of folks tell their LO that they need to go to their doc for refilling any meds, or for insurance purposes, so insurance stays in effect.

DPOA and HIPAA are very important. You can discuss the DPOA with a CLEC (elder care lawyer) - for both your folks.

Rule #1 - Do not argue with a PWD. Rule #1 - Must take care of yourself. Rule #2 - see rule #1, both of them.

H1235

I would suggest you find some kind of work around vs trying to convince her of your concerns. Some tell their loved ones they need to see a doctor for health insurance reasons, she is due for a yearly check up, a check up on her high blood pressure etc. Don’t even suggest that something is wrong with her memory, it will only cause problems. Send a note to the doctor via patient portal or even a hand written note. If a patient portal is an option and it’s not already set up I would just set it up yourself. Use this same idea with the DPOA. It’s just a good time to make some legal updates for everything (maybe even blame it on your dad Parkinson’s), you and your spouse are putting some legal matters in order and maybe it would be a good time for them (your parents) to do the same. Susan is right the number one rule is don’t argue or even try to reason (trying to reason will lead to an) with her. You will never get her to understand, sorry. I have attached some things that you might find helpful.

https://static1.squarespace.com/static/6372d16ea4e02c7ce64425b7/t/63f7b80d80d8aa3e3aa4a47d/1677178894184/DBAT.pdf

https://us.v-cdn.net/6037576/uploads/1TVHII9GKGEA/10-absolutes-in-dementia-care.png