Helping parents

DeborahGood

My mom most likely has Alzheimer's. She is 81. My dad is 83 and caring for her but not doing well ..alot of anger about her losing things. He is frustrated and says things he probably doesn't mean. He's upset because she's not cooking, and she constantly hides things. She then calls me (I'm 59 and out of state) crying about Dad yelling at her and claiming she isn't hiding or losing things. She usually calls 8-9 times a day. She begs me to help her get out of what she says is abusive. I've heard him yell ..they both yell and I know it's not how they used to be together. It's the disease. I've recently gone to their house and she's then mad at me for trying to help. I would let her come to my house but I think that's a temporary solution. She has a neurologist appt in January and MRI in February. Appts take so long to schedule (original appt with Alzheimer's clinic was November). Should I try to find her a caretaker, or take her in, or wait for the professionals to help with deciding? Dad will not join a group and doesn't want people to know. He says he can take care of it. Thanks for any advice.

H1235

Welcome. Caring long distance doesn’t doesn’t get much traffic. You might get more responses if you post under caring for a parent. It doesn’t sound like the house is a good living environment even if a caregiver comes in to help a few times a week. I would also think it might be hard to find someone if your dad is difficult and grumpy with them. I doubt it’s going to stop the yelling. It sounds to me like they need assisted living or memory care near you. Bringing just your mom to live with you is a lot! But that still leaves your dad living alone and it sounds like that might be a problem. Do you have a durable power of attorney for either of them. If not you’re going to need it. One of the first things we were told when my mom was. Diagnosed was to get a DPOA and legal matters handled. Are bills being paid, laundry washed, house kept clean, are they getting enough food? People with dementia don’t recognize their limitations or symptoms. AL facilities can have a waiting list, you might want to start making some plans now. I would also suggest you stay with them for a few days to get a good handle on how dad things are. You will eventually have to make decisions and do things they don’t like. There will probably never come a day when they say, we can’t live alone anymore, we shouldn’t be driving. You need to make those decisions to keep them safe! It is hard! I’ve attached a staging tool. This may help you with your moms stage, if your dad is showing symptoms and some of the ugliness that may be to come. I hope there is something helpful for you here. Again repost under caring for a parent and you will get more responses.

https://static1.squarespace.com/static/6372d16ea4e02c7ce64425b7/t/63f7b80d80d8aa3e3aa4a47d/1677178894184/DBAT.pdf