Police officer called me at 5:30 am

Jarmac

My guy was diagnosed with mci 3 years ago. We lived together until 6 months ago. I told him he needed to move back to his condo. He is able to perform all of the daily living tasks. I felt we were no longer partners, but I was definitely his memory, decision maker, bill payer, etc. I informed his son I no longer wanted to be the “caregiver”. I have no legal standing. LO has no power of attorneys or will. I was trying to force his son into taking some responsibility. Did not work. My guy is not adjusting to his new living arrangement. He starts questioning and complaining about this. Behavior goes on repeat for hours. He has called 50 times a day, sent texts and voicemails (after spending 6 or 7 hours with me). I am with him everyday. Last week, he claimed the neighbors above him were playing loud music non-stop. He keeps calling the police. There is no music playing. I have been there- no music. He is begging to come back to my house. I don’t want him here. I am hoping the police will call for an ambulance to take him for a psych evaluation…get his son involved. Even though he is functioning, he needs some assistance. His care is from the VA. I seem to be the only one who cares. I have been angry, impatient and not very nice to him. I can’t stop. He is an awesome guy and deserves better.

Quilting brings calm

I do not see any out for you except to stop seeing him and block his phone number. You say you don’t want to be his caregiver yet you see him every day. He thinks of you as his caregiver. His son will not step up as long as you are in the picture in any capacity. I’m sorry.

dayn2nite2

You are still taking responsibility for him by just seeing him every day, paying bills, etc. You will need to cut all contact. Change your number, basically not see him anymore, block his number if you need. When the police have no one to contact, then they will find alternate means of assisting him.

Jgirl57

I agree, as long as you are in the picture, you are in the picture. Maybe contact Adult protective services and let them know he qualifies for VA care and that he has an adult son but you can not care for him. Hugs to you

Joe C.

The journey with you BF is only going to get more difficult as time goes on. I agree with the post above that you need to back away, especially since you have no legal standing.

Bill_2001

Hi Jarmac,

This journey is tough enough; I cannot imagine caregiving without legal standing.

My wife is in Stage 6 and requires 24x7 care and supervision. I am her husband and durable power of attorney, and I am still occasionally asked to provide such documentation from doctors, financial institutions, etc.

I know you care for your loved one, but without legal standing, you are in for a multitude of roadblocks, over and above the hardships of caregiving itself.

Without legal standing, you may need to step away. The system will not let you get very far when the big ticket caregiving tasks arrive (doctors, money, insurance, pharmacy, daycare, memory care, etc.) And trust me, they WILL arrive.

I would also advise calling the Alzheimer's Association hotline at 1-800-272-3900 and speak to an expert.

Hugs,

Bill_2001

cdgbdr

So sorry for your situation. It must be painful to care but have no legal authority or help. I agree contacting Adult Protective Services. They can do legal advocacy. They may need to pursue a guardianship.

BPS

I agree with making those calls to the Alzheimer's association and to Adult Protective Services and maybe even the police so they have a record that you cannot care for him so not to call you. Take notes of the day, time, and who you talk to and what they say. I think that by making those calls and not dealing with his daily issues you are doing the best thing for him because he needs help that you are not going to be able to provide and it is better for him to deal with it now before he gets worse. If you keep stepping in when called they will keep calling because that solves their problem for the moment. When they call you have to insist that he needs more care than you can provide and refuse to deal with it. That will force them to deal with him and in the long run will get him the care he needs sooner. It will be hard to refuse to help someone that you care about but I think that is what will be best for both of you.

Victoriaredux

Your thread is titled: "Police officer called me at 5:30 am"—- unless you make a clean documented break the authorities will probably continue to look to you as the person who accepted responsibility. Could you get blamed if something goes south when you have no authority or legal standing to fix it ? I don't know. That's not a risk I'd be taking if I had decided like you have ,that the situation is understandably more than you can handle.

"He is an awesome guy and deserves better." That won't happen with him in limbo — you are so used to it but you are enabling him to appear to be functioning with the help you are providing for him.

I'd contact APS, whatever social workers the VA has , the Alz Assoc 800 for advise on who else to contact- how to inform the son one last time etc .

Since he is housed APS may not swoop in right away and they have to investigate first so you need to ask them all what to do if he comes over or creates a scene. Be careful.

You gave him love and care for a long time, now he needs a structured plan for his future . I'm really sorry. Love can fill and dent our hearts in so many ways.

Jarmac

Thank you for all the helpful advice. I contacted the Alzheimer support and they will be calling me back. Police are referring the issue to the department social worker. He is seeing the doctor on Monday. He is still “hearing music”. Continues to call the police. He cannot sleep.

Worriedwife123

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/71588/police-officer-called-me-at-5-30-am

I am so sorry that you’re going through this. My stepdad’s brother has VA care benefits too and will be moving into a VA nursing home which primarily deals with dementia and Alzheimer’s. His son can get him into one if he doesn’t to care for his dad 24/7.

I am sorry for this highly intrusive question and you don’t need to answer: will it make a difference if you change your civil status with him? I just feel that both of you love each other and by being married, you will have legal standing with him. He really needs you during these darkest days of his life and by being his wife, you can care for him until the very end. With legal authority over him, you will have the support you will need to care for him.

Again, I apologize for the question.

Victoriaredux

Jarmac —I'm so sorry, I hope others can take over managing his care path on Monday .

Then disengage. Completely- while they handle it.

Typing "gf to call back ; gf to handle" is a whole lot easier than them stepping in and providing the possible years of care he'll need.

You have health issues to care for yourself - don't feel pressured to take on his care again - which will probably mean placement soon & especially the financial burden marriage would bring .

Like Mary asks in this video " Why are you more important than me?"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HaqZv1A-GTk&list=PLh41NYcDaN6pjheDhe68Vq8_13U3HLaIw&t=1s&ab_channel=EthicsinSociety

Rose kept Jack off her raft, we're told to put on our oxygen masks first. You made a life affirming decision when you asked him to move out. Because you are equally important .

Phoenix1966

And I’ll be the opposite side of the coin to @__Dolly__ .

It’s okay to not want to be someone’s caregiver, too. It’s a thankless, crushing job at times and can end up isolating you from everything else. Statistics that get tossed around tend to suggest that some 20% of caregivers do not outlive the person they are caring for because they end up neglecting themselves and their own health.

If you decide that this is not the role you were cut out for, then please follow the advice suggested by the others and go “no contact” with him, otherwise someone, whether it is his son or even a social worker, will try to convince you to keep looking out for him. I will say in my case, APS was of no help when my grandmother needed help and was distrustful of every friend and remaining family member in her life. I thought for sure when they saw the condition she was living in(level 5 hoarding, disheveled appearance, no longer practicing any personal hygiene, the flies everywhere, mouse/rat droppings visible, etc.), they would agree she was a danger to herself, but they left her in place.

Wishing you strength in these challenging times.

midge333

@Jarmac :

"I felt we were no longer partners…".

I agree with the comments above advocating that you cut off contact with your former boyfriend.