Caregivers appropriate decisions

elh430

Hi,

New here. My mom has moderate to severe dementia. She is in an assisted living . I manage all her financial and medical decision as she is not capable per the doctors. She knows me and her friends. However, she does have hallucinations (seeing deceased husband, animals in her room). She regularly accuses people with stealing. The facility is really good with sending someone down to her room to check on items find them and shows her. She has even accused me and managed to call police, the state and even my amazon account. I keep excellent records, and all matters were cleared up.

My issue is she contacted me yesterday and wants me to send money to a friend in her old state of residence. This "friend" loves to gas light her and get her emotionally worked up in the past. She is telling me this friend was angry she didn't send any Christmas presents this year. Do I have the right to question this friend? and even not send the money? Do I have the right to even block the calls?

She wants to talk to her but always seems to end up upsetting her in the end. I never know what is true or if made up in her mind. I did message this person, but she has not responded.

Thank you for any insight

H1235

Welcome! If this “friend” is upset she didn’t get a Christmas present then I think that says it all. That is not the kind of person I would want my mom speaking with. Do you know this person. Does it sound like something she might say? If so I would block her on your moms phone and delete her number so your mom can’t call her. I would not tell your mom you are doing any of this, it will just upset her. You are responsible for her money. So not only do you have a right, you have a responsibility to see that her money is managed properly and protected from people like this “friend”. If your mom asks about you sending the money, be vague. I haven’t had a chance yet, I forgot, I’m trying to find her address, change the subject or just tell her you sent the check. Tell your mom whatever it takes to keep her calm, and ease any anxiety. Just my opinion. I hope you can find a solution.

elh430

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/232760#Comment_232760

Thank you for the response. I know her just that she has a habit of gas lighting. I don't know her well. I completely agree that tells the story and how she is. Thank you for the grounding it is very much appreciated. Have a blessed day.

fmb

I would even go so far as to wonder whether this 'friend' has been financially abusing your mother. If your mother has had access to any funds at all, make sure she hasn't been sending money to this person. Your mother should have no access to any funds at all, no credit cards, etc. If she even has access to memorized or written credit card numbers, she may be a target for financial fraud. Assuming you have DPOA for your mother, you should cancel her existing credit cards and, if necessary, open a new account that only you as her POA have access to. You may even need to take away the phone in order to protect her from scammers who call and ask for financial information.

I agree to delete this person from your mother's phone and block the incoming calls. This is no friend.

Quilting brings calm

In case your mom is ever going to need Medicaid -they have a five year lookback on gifts etc. Use that as a reason to not send her friend any money. If you talk to the friend again, tell her the next request for money will result in you contacting a lawyer.

psg712

Agree with cutting off contact with this person, both for your mom and yourself. Don't even discuss it with your mom. If she brings it up, just say you've taken care of it, then change the subject. Agree that at her level of dementia, she is a perfect mark for scams, and she should have no access to her funds. If she insists, she could keep a few dollars in cash with her … but that could also be stolen, or the presence of the cash could be a trigger to get her worrying about her money. Out of sight, out of reach, and (eventually) out of mind.