Caring for spouse

AmmaT

Wishing all a Happy New Year…..I am new to the group & desperately in need of a support group! My DH is 83 & up until 4 to 5 years ago doctors would tell me his behavior was just “normal aging” until finally he was diagnosed with “moderate dementia.” Initially, some of the family questioned how he got to moderate & not mild, but at this point there are no doubts & the doctor has added a DX of Alzheimer’s. For the past couple of years he has become a bully & can be extremely rude……when asked to stop he laughs & replies that he is just joking……he will tell our young granddaughter that he doesn’t like her cat & is going to shoot it🤦🏻‍♀️obviously that is very upsetting to her……he also has difficulty in the bathroom with his bowel & bladder……he won’t wear Depends & insists he doesn’t need help but the bathroom & his clothes are a mess, to put it lightly, after he uses it!!!!! Soooo, I need some advice……

tboard

My situation is similar in that DH won't bath and he also makes some pretty big messes in the bathroom. He won't wear depends either. I do a lot of wash and most of the time the toilet looks like toilets in gas stations. He is abusive to me because he isn't allowed to drive and takes it out on me. He is 75 and was diagnosed last summer with vascular dementia and Alzhiemer's. On a day-to-day basis life is a living hell in my house. All I can do at this point is take joy in the fact that he takes long naps and I have lots of books on my kindle . I wish I had some advice. Just know that you are not alone. I am sure someone here will have some words of wisdom.

AmmaT

Thank you for responding……it is comforting to know I am not alone! My DH can no longer drive either & that too has been a problem🥴re the bathroom, we have had to have our main sewer line flushed🤦🏻‍♀️not fun. I refuse to replace the microwave because he doesn’t believe it is broken or that he is the cause (he used it as a drier for his wet clothes). I too am grateful for the long naps except he falls asleep with the remote in his hand & how dare I switch the station because he wasn’t asleep he was watching it🙆🏻‍♀️it is soooo hard at times to stay positive & not become angry & then I feel guilty…..I pray often🙏

Kat63

So sorry for what you are going through. Is he taking any medication for his behaviors? My DH is on Quetiapine and it definitely helps with these types of behaviors and if our schedule is different and I’m an hour or so late in giving him the meds I see a difference, so very aware of how much they help. As far as bathroom issues, I have went through the cleaning the bathroom after every use. I finally have my DH allowing me to be in the bathroom with him and I help him with the mechanics. That was actually the issue and took me awhile to get to this point, but has helped cut down on the messes. I feel lucky that he is actually not incontinent and if there is a mess it’s just around the stool in the bathroom. I know others have issues of their person having accidents in other areas of the house. I know it is hard and stressful and frustrating, but they are not doing any of these things on purpose…their brain is damaged. Imagine how scary their world must be for them.

Denise1847

The meds are really important to tamp down the lack of cooperation and nasties. Look for incontinence products that look like underwear. There should be a resource link on this site for Parentgiving which has them.

AmmaT

Thank you Kat63 & Denise1847…….my DH is currently on Cymbalta for his mood……not sure if it is helping. I was overseeing his medications & now he has agreed to let me manage his meds & give them to him…..he had moments that he just wouldn’t take one or another……he also is on Namenda, Aricept, BP meds, & eye drops. He wore a brief for maybe a month, typically when he was going out somewhere, but he won’t wear one now & I’m not sure it would help…….he needs help cleaning himself & cleaning up after himself……he thinks he does a great job but there is stool everywhere & he uses his clothes to wipe everything down & tries to hide it……so I do a lot of laundry & cleaning up…..he becomes angry if he thinks I am cleaning up after him so I now just pretend I am using the bathroom…..I hope to convince him to let me assist him but I don’t see that happening in the near future😔such a terrible disease……my DH would be devastated if he knew I was writing & posting these personal hygiene issues……I feel guilty but I also feel very alone & need to talk out these issues sooooo, thank you again for your input.

SDianeL

replace all of his underwear with men’s depends. That’s what was recommended on this forum. Keep trying to offer help. He is like a toddler being potty trained. Have you considered.memory care? Have you read the book “The 36 Hour Day”? It helped me after my husband’s diagnosis. Also search for Tam Cummings videos and see if she has one on toileting for dementia patients.

AmmaT

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/232907#Comment_232907

Thank you……am researching the video & the book now!!!!!

ImMaggieMae

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/232857#Comment_232857

Agree with Kat. Antipsychotic meds like Quetiapine (Seroquel), Risperidone and a couple others can make a big difference in behavior and keeping the person calmer and more cooperative. It makes a huge difference for my DH.
Accompanying him in the bathroom became essential in the mid stages, to help him clean himself and properly dispose of incontinence underwear. This became very evident to first times I had to deal with clogged toilets. It’s all very routine now.

Bailey's Mom

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/232905#Comment_232905

AmmaT, It was always a rule in our household that I would never share anything of our private lives…esp with my sister who DH hates. When I first posted here I felt extremely guilty and unaccustomed to 'airing our dirty laundry' and also felt that he would be livid if he was aware. I also realized that I won't make it through this ordeal alone…posting is very therapeutic…keep doing it for your own sanity! BTW…I noticed that there is a bit of feces on the wall in my husband's bathroom…will wait until just before my shower to clean it up and be very careful that it doesn't seem like anything other than a normal cleaning so as not to offend him.

AmmaT

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/232942#Comment_232942

Thank you for your words of encouragement……I agree I need a place to vent as well as the support from others going through the same issues……it definitely helps me feel that I am not alone even though I have family support…..I pray constantly to be a calm & caring wife & I understand that he is no longer the man I married 50+ years ago……but there are moments /times that he pushes my buttons🙆🏻‍♀️and I need to regroup & remember he really has no control over his behavior but I can control mine!!!!

DWTired

My DH is on Namenda at night and Abilify in the am…this combo is working for us right now….Thank God! He was very tough on me for months……