It's my Birthday today and I have never been more miserable

Bailey's Mom

Today is my birthday (76) and so far the day has been absolutely horrible…like most days. Of course DH doesn't remember and has done nothing but complain since he woke up. He lectured for almost 3 hrs about the collapse of the US dollar and then went on with his favorite one about how selfish I am because I sequester myself in my studio and paint (I am an artist but have just about had to give that up) while he has nothing and how I am ruining his life because I won't buy a big sailboat and live on it and travel from Florida to Maine and back and enjoy all of the wonderful stops on the way and how we only have a few years to live and I am ruining them because I don't want to have any fun, and how I went on a trip with my friends for 3 days (an art convention 5 yrs ago) and how I would rather be with my friends (had to give them up years ago to appease him), blah, blah,blah. If he senses that I'm not paying rapt attention he pounds on the table, waves his arms and yells. I have just about had it and don't see anything to look forward to in this life. Sorry for the vent…

CindyBum

First…Happy Birthday! 🎉

And, my goodness. Of course you need to vent with no apologies to any of us. Let it out! That all sounds terrible and annoying and heartbreaking. I don’t think I could handle that kind of behavior.

Sending you warm thoughts.

midge333

Happy birthday. Do not apologize. I am sorry this is your reality.

BPS

Happy Birthday and God bless you

Abby627

I’m so so sorry. I cried as I read your post. I’m new to this forum, although I’ve been reading all of the comments for awhile now. Can I ask how long it has been since your DH was diagnosed? I’m trying to adjust to, and make plans for, the life changes to come and just don’t know how long I have. This is such a horrifying disease for all concerned.

trottingalong

Happy Birthday. You have the right to vent without apology.

Bailey's Mom

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/233021#Comment_233021

Abby627, He was diagnosed about a yr ago with early stage AD, although I think he was in a much later stage even then, but successfully showboated for the doctor. I think he has had Alz for quite awhile. He has had much of his bad behavior for years…actually since I have known him…but used to have many other good qualities that have slowly disappeared. I always chalked it up to the way he was raised…his mother was one of the most vile and mean women I have ever met…I should have known better. I'm no expert, but can't imagine that if someone didn't already have this kind of a personality that they would act as he does, but from some of the things I have read it seems like it can happen. I hope that you have a better experience…honestly, if he were sweet and kind as some PWD are I would not resent caring for him one bit.

JoseyWales

Happy Birthday! I hope you find some happiness today.

Buggytoo

Ugh This sounds truly unbearable. Hope you can find even a small way to breathe deeply and be grateful you are you. He needs serious medication to minimize his meanness. I hope you have a physician with whom you can share this horrible situation and who will take action.

mrahope

Happy Birthday! I have been where you are and totally get it. My DH would also "lecture" on a variety of topics including how I should allow him to drive again (after two doctors told him it was unsafe) and how he wanted to go "home" (to a place on the other side of the globe). You are also right that folks can have personality changes with this disease. My DH was always this way (he was a professor and trainer for a long time) and also had a traumatic history, but he got just impossible to live with as his cognitive state got worse. One recommendation I do have: I used to pick up knitting projects when he would start to rant (the easiest ones possible) and continue to nod every once in a while. If you have something you can do with your hands, maybe it will help. Feel free to rant as you need to!

Abby627

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/233025#Comment_233025

Again, I’m just so sorry. We have been dealing with this for 3 years, but I don’t have to deal with bad behaviors. He is the kindest, sweetest man I’ve ever known and everybody loves him. I can’t imagine that ever changing. So far the situation is very manageable but I get very scared at times, like all of us who deal with this. It’s just heartbreaking. My thoughts are with you and I will be looking for your posts. Vent all you want. You aren’t saying anything that all of us haven’t felt at some time along this scares journey we’re on. His neurologist once answered me when I asked him what the future looks like….”my dear, you’re beginning a long, sad walk down a very dark road.” Indeed it is.

Jgirl57

Happy Birthday to you , happy birthday to you , Happy B-I-R-T-H-D-A-Y dear Baileys mom, Happy Birthday to you !!!!!(just be glad you didn’t actually hear me sing :) )

SDianeL

Happy Birthday. So sorry you are going through this. My daughter said when my husband (her step dad) was diagnosed "Mom, is it the disease or is it because he's always been an a**hole"?? I said maybe both. Frankly it's probably going to get much worse. The only way I could cope was telling myself he was my patient (no longer my partner or spouse) and I was his nurse caregiver. I could then think clinically & not emotionally. I could look at him and say it was now the disease and be more compassionate. I had to let go of his past actions. Being a caregiver is extremely hard mentally & physically. I would highly consider looking at memory care facilities for both your sakes. Your life is worth it. Hugs. 💜

mrsdee13

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/71679/its-my-birthday-today-and-i-have-never-been-more-miserable

I am so sorry to hear about your birthday being so miserable. I want to wish you a Happy Birthday. One thing to remember is that you are still alive and well to see another birthday. Please make the best of it. I, too, have had days as such go unmemorable. WE are still blessed, and there's always hope for a better day.

jehjeh

I get it. DH and I spent my October birthday in the ER. He had some severe pain that miraculously went away once he was distracted talking to the doctor and nurses. They found nothing and sent us home at 3 am the following morning. Then, a month later, we spent our 35th anniversary in skilled nursing where he spent 5 days after an actual hospital admission. I didn't mention either of these occasions to him. I knew it would only upset him to know he forgot, and then he would forget again. He was always a great one to celebrate big. I indulged in a pity party for a bit once he was home but now, it's just one of many disappointments that come with disease and no more or less painful than any other. I kept my expectations for the holidays low and wasn't disappointed. I think I'm getting numb to it all and just settling in for the long haul.

I'm sorry to go on like this but I know you all understand. Sometimes I just need to tell someone how it feels.

annie51

Happy Birthday! I did still enjoy hearing this on my birthday even if I was not feeling the joy from DH. I hope you found some little joy today…

ronda b

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/71679/its-my-birthday-today-and-i-have-never-been-more-miserable

ronda b

Just want to say Happy Birthday. Please know you can vent here anytime.

JeriLynn66

Happy, happy, happy birthday! I'm sorry today has been, well - today.

I agree with the suggestion to seek medication, either addition or adjustment of. It is important for you to have a "place" in your own home.

If you are a fan of chocolate, I make a mean German Chocolate cake to bake for you❣️

Biggles

It’s total ‘crap’ Well BaileysMom happy birthday you are 10 months older than me. It’s a rotten way to face your birthday being yelled at, lectured at, told it’s all your fault. It all sounds familiar, my usually sweet placid DH threw his toast and marmalade at me this morning because I was talking to our daughter for too long, oops I actually threw it back at him and then softly, non threateningly laughed and thankfully so did he. I felt pretty bad. I’m going to post a Sydney to Hobart 2024 poem thought you might be interested. Take care xx

mathreader

Happy Birthday. I took the first 1/2 of my Xanax that my PCP prescribed as needed for my birthday in December. I knew it would be an emotional day. Who knows where this will go but know many of us out there understand.

Nowhere

What stage is your husband? What you’re experiencing (pounding on table, his waving his hands, and yelling) is abuse. I would keep a journal to share with his doctor (slip it to the receptionist to give to him before he sees your husband or call him and explain behaviors over the phone). There are medicines that would be prescribed for behaviors if he was in a facility, so why not at home? You matter birthday girl! And you matter 364 other days of the year, too. Talk to an area for aging expert in dementia and seek options for him to be helped or placed elsewhere.

Bailey's Mom

Thank you all for the Birthday Wishes and thoughtful comments…they are truly what got me through the day. Some of them actually made me laugh at the situation we find ourselves in…like Biggles having toast with marmalade thrown at her for talking on the phone too long…you can't make this stuff up! I'm used to forgotten birthdays and anniversarys so am not sure why this one hit me so hard…I think it was the extra dose of meaness that started early in the morning and continued all day. I did make myself some brownies and ate most of them! Thank you again…you are all my lifeline.