How To Talk To Mom Resisting Help?

sb5000

My mom has dementia and my dad is primary caregiver with my siblings and I supporting. She can’t be alone for long ( leaves stove on, wanders into neighbors apartment etc) so we plan to alternate working from their apartment once a week for 3 or 4 hours so dad can leave and get a break. Any ideas on how we present it ?

She gets angry when we “take over”. We were bringing them meals which was fine until she realized it was a regular thing. She told us to stop because she can take care of her own household. Then she didn’t want us coming to Dr appointments and refused to go to one if my sister went too. There’s a whole list of things we’ve done to help my dad that set her off until he gives up and keeps trying to do this alone but she’s progressed too far for that

We’ve been taking her out on weekends and pick an activity that my dad wouldn’t want to do so she hasn’t realized it’s to give him a break. But now he needs us on weekdays. Once she figures out we’re not there for a social visit, like we’re taking work calls or pull out a laptop, she’s going to flip. I can try some excuse like our power is out and I need to work from their place which might work once but she’s still with it enough to realize after a few times that we’re around more. I’m afraid she’s going to refuse to let us in or start ranting to the point we can’t take work calls from their place and then my dad won’t get a break at all.

Any advice would be great!

mabelgirl

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. Your mom sounds a lot like mine and has a bad case of Anosognosia; they don’t recognize their shortcomings. It took me a while but I had to just do what I knew had to be done as I certainly couldn’t do what mom wanted or said she wanted, because good grief how could she even know with a broke reasoner? We can try the fiblets and they may work for awhile but with my mom it didn’t. It may sound harsh, you gotta do what you must to keep everyone safe and healthy even if mom gets mad. I’m sure you can figure ways to out maneuver her (I.e. get your own key to apartment). I wish I had better advice for you. Prayers for success.

sb5000

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/233106#Comment_233106

Yeah I just keep thinking if I can come up with the right thing to say maybe she won’t lose it this time even though it’s wishful thinking. Doesn’t seem like there’s a way through this without her being mad and irrational alot of the time. Thank you for the support!

harshedbuzz

Sounds like you need to come up with a better reason to be there than babysitting her. Sometimes a PWD, especially a mom, will be more agreeable if they're helping in some way.

How about the WiFi is out at your house because of an upgrade being done, so you've come to use hers. Or you were in a meeting nearby but won't make it home in time for a zoom meeting, so you stopped by her house to call in. You had a fight with your spouse or roommate. If your mom's forgetting to turn off the stove, you may be overestimating her ability to recall why you were there last time.

HB

Emily 123

Hi,

You may want to consider having your dad talk with her healthcare provider about having her started on a low dose anti-depressant. My mom was started on Lexapro and while it didn't affect her alertness, it made her much more amenable to accepting assistance so that she was safer.

As family we're acutely attuned to how a mom shows displeasure, even when it isn't glaringly obvious to others. I would just feel myself wilt when she'd get mad, and I was trying my best to help her unobtrusively. It made a big difference.

SusanB-dil

Agreeing with what's been posted - but also do let her doc know. Maybe get something to dial back the agitation. We had to tell MIL's doc, and she is less aggressive and less agitated, but definitely not zombied.

Would she be open to adult daycare a day or two a week? Present it as something else, such as a meeting, maybe?

Glad you are watching out for her, but also for dad as well, for some respite.

sb5000

Thanks for the ideas. We are moving her next Dr appointment up and will message Dr in advance about the recent changes. Will also try the little white lies on why we are at the house each time, since her symptoms have increased maybe she won’t remember week to week. It’s worth trying!