primary caregiver diagnosed with terminal cancer

Edye

I am the primary caregiver to my longtime partner who has dementia. I just got diagnosed with terminal cancer and need to decide his next options. He has an adult daughter who is not very involved in his current care. And out of town siblings who might help. Who do I talk with first and when do I bring my partner into the planning and discussions?

Quilting brings calm

@SDianeL went through a similar, but not terminal, situation last year. She should be along soon and can help guide you.

First, whatever legal documents you don’t have - get them. Medical and legal POAs for him, and others for you since you have cancer. Wills, trust for his care, etc.

Second, start looking for a facility for him. Your time for Plan B is now. You won’t be able to take care of him and yourself. You can find a place either by his daughter or his siblings. Get him moved while you still physically can.

Third- rally your friends and get a support system in place for yourself.

We are here for you.

H1235

I agree with QBC. I would reach out to his daughter and see if she is willing to take on DPOA and give him the support he will need in an AL or MC environment starting soon. If she is not able to step up I would check with the out of town siblings to see if they can step in as DPOA. If they are out of town that would mean moving him out of town and away from you. Would you move to be closer to him? That seems like a lot of work for you. What about the support group for yourself? You don’t want to move away from them. Like a terminal cancer diagnosis isn’t enough to think about. So sorry you are going through this.

SusanB-dil

Hi Edye - Sorry you are dealing with so much!

I agree with what's been posted. As far as bringing your partner into the discussion, for the most part, no. However, it may depend on what stage he is in and if he has anosognosia (this is not denial, but totally not realizing anything is wrong). He may not be able to reason out the situation, so probably no point in upsetting him. If you are already making the decisions, and he cannot, then its a definite 'no'.

((hugs))

Iris L.

Terminal cancer does not mean that death is imminent. No one knows how much time you will have. Make your life easier now. I wish you the best.

Iris

SDianeL

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/71710/primary-caregiver-diagnosed-with-terminal-cancer

Edie, so so sorry about your diagnosis. I know how you feel. Last year I was diagnosed with aggressive breast cancer. I had planned on caring for my DH as long as possible but knew I couldn’t while going through chemo and radical surgery. His only daughter is disabled. I had to scramble to find a memory care facility. I looked online, read reviews and narrowed it to 3 and toured them with my daughter then selected one. It takes a few weeks for them to accept them so start right away. If your partner is on Medicaid you need to look for facilities that accept it. Don’t tell your partner about your diagnosis or about memory care. No need. I told my DH that I had cancer and he looked at me and said what’s cancer. 😥 When you take your partner to memory care, make up a story that you’re going to lunch and be prepared to leave your partner without saying goodbye. That broke my heart. The facility will help guide you. Talk to an attorney to get your affairs in order. If you don’t have a POA, guardianship may be the only option for your partner. Talk to the adult daughter then the others. I moved in with my daughter so she could help me. Ask your Oncologist if they have a Case Manager and Social Worker and do the same for your partner. They are very helpful. And lastly, contact Hospice right away for you. They offer so much help and support. I’ll be praying for you and your partner.🙏 🩷💜