New Here - I'm Overwhelmed with Guilt That I Am Not Responding to Her Concerns Appropriately

jlinnb

Hi All,
I am new here and thought I could seek some guidance from others in the same situation. I am the POA (and medical poa - whatever that is called) for my 82 year old aunt who is in a MCF. She has no spouse, children, or siblings (both brothers passes away in the last year) - so my husband and I are it.

I'm not sure what level she is at, but there are good days and bad days. She knows who I am and can remember sometimes minute details on previous conversations. Other times, she's telling me about conversations we've never had, that people are stealing things from her room (she keeps it locked, even when she's in it), that her phone isnt working (she's calling me from it),etc. You get the picture. The sundowning with her is very real. Her conversations definitely have more vitriol in the evening when she calls and she is way more confused.

I try to rationalize with her or solve whatever problem she is having. When I ask her to explain what she means, she can't or won't elaborate. She keeps telling me she wants to die. I'm overwhelmed with sadness that she is in that facility, even tho it seems very nice. I'm sad she wants to die. I'm disappointed in myself that I can't make it better. I'm considering anti-depressants for myself so I don't continue to impact my marriage, my son, or my job. I feel very selfish that I don't want to deal with her most days. But who else does she have? Basically, I feel like a terrible person for not being better at this.

Not sure what I'm asking for, but y'all seem to have been through much tougher situations. Maybe just an understanding ear? No one I know has gone through this. Thank you for listening.

Rob's Daughter

I'm glad your aunt has the care she needs. This is a tough situation for you for sure. Glad you found this site, there is a wealth of information and support. I'm an only child with no help as well, I have my husband but that's about it as well. Both of my parents are in AL and going down the dementia road, both at different stages. My mom went thru the stage of wanting to die. Can you talk to someone at the facility about some mental help? We were referred to a nurse practitioner that dealt with depression and got my mom on some meds that really helps. Is your aunt religious? Most likely there is someone that comes in and says mass or a volunteer of the church can come in and sit with her and just talk. You are not a terrible person, you are a loving niece doing the best you can. I have a quote on my desk that reads… "do what you can, with what you have, where you are". This disease is awful.

Shenmama99

I feel for you. I’m the MPA POA for my 93 yr old mom. She has vascular dementia. She is not in any facility. We are either with her at her house if she goes to my house or my sisters. I feel like I’ve taken a crazy pill! But what you are dealing with is unfortunately the norm. One minute she’s ok and then she’s angry or sad. The chronic UTI’s are maddening. Her teeth are also breaking so we are limited to what she can eat. So anyway wanted to let you know you are not alone. This really sucks.

H1235

It is not you that is terrible it is the dementia. We are forced to take away their independence to keep them safe. We do so much for them and there is often only anger and resentment and depression in return. The responsibility and pressures that go along with being DPOA is overwhelming. I have started taking medication for anxiety. It’s overwhelming! You are not alone.

mabelgirl

You are a human and thus your feelings and thoughts are for your self preservation. It’s natural and not at all terrible. I know there were days when my mom’s constant accusations and ugly words brought the same feelings you described to the surface. At those points I had to step away for just a short period to regroup what was left of my mental strength. Knowing your aunt is safe and where she can get help and be cared for , is a blessing, sadly some people don’t have that. Is she on any medication for the agitation and paranoia? If not they may help. You can not reason with a PWD . Other posts on this sight say you can not reason with someone’s whose reasoner is broke. They are easy traps to find ourselves in but we utilize our own mental energy in a no win situation and I believe adds to our own depression and exhaustion. Take care of yourself and your family foremost, then your aunt. Know that you are good kind person else you wouldn’t even bother to post here. Prayers for peace.

smarie

I'm right there with you, except mine is my own mother.!!!! My husband doesn't get the anxiety I feel and I've also thought about some type of rx to help me. I'm taking the route of consistently working out and eating clean which will also help reduce inflammation, which is now showing to stop Alzheimer's. I think yours could be manageable except for the part of her wanting to die. URGH! Yes, reach out to your pastor/priest etc… they could give you some direction and her too. Nothing is ever easy. Just think, thank God she's not living with you and don't be so hard on yourself. You're doing amazing!

jlinnb

Thank you all. I appreciate the caring responses and the suggestions. I'm trying to focus and appreciate the self-care time I take to destress. I will talk to the MCF staff nurse to let her know about the "wanting to die" dialogue. I assume that she knows. but the staff has told me she's not easy to get to know. If she's not eating a meal, she prefers the solitude of her room. I've asked my aunt if she would like a pastor to come visit her - she rejected that idea. But maybe I bring the pastor along as my friend and he or she can chit chat with her. I am Catholic and would bring our priest - but she's with it enough to figure out he's a priest and that would upset her. I'll reach out to some Lutheran friends to see if they have a pastor that might be able to help.

Again, thank you all so much. Reading your words is lifting me up. Prayers to you all.