New to group, in process of getting diagnosis

cookiemom54

This is my first post. DH had neuropsych testing done today and now more aware of his memory loss than before. He has been depressed and PCP treating that. Going to first neurologist appointment in 3 weeks. Tonight he gave his drug addicted daughter his credit card number so she could get an uber. This is uncharacteristic for him and she has been known to manipulate people in her life and use their credit cards. Of course I was upset and am insisting he cancel the card tomorrow. We are now not talking and I am just scared of how fast he showed lack of judgement. He thinks I’m treating him like a child but I have to protect our assets. All before an actual diagnosis. I’m sorry for rambling but has anyone had similar happen? How to deal with it? I don’t want to invoke POA so soon. I really want to protect his dignity as long as possible. My heart is breaking.

BPS

I have not had to deal with that but can you get a prepaid credit card or a low limit card so that no large expenses can be made without you knowing.

Carl46

I expect we all have had similar things happen. It is part of the disease.

My wife carries a purse, but it does not contain a credit card, checkbook, or identification. In your case, I would call the credit card company and report the card lost. They will cancel it, stopping the frivolous spending that your stepdaughter is probably doing, and mail a replacement card. I would then put the replacement card in the shredder.

He is correct that you are treating him as a child. You will be doing that more and more as time passes.

I am sorry you are forced to do this. But, as you know, you and your husband will be homeless if you let his daughter use him. Drug addiction has cost his daughter everything, and it will do the same to you if you let it.

trottingalong

I’m with @Carl46. Cancel the card asap and shred the replacement or keep hidden for yourself. Many people have lost money and lots of it, by a loved one making unsound monetary decisions. And don’t tell him you did it and play dumb if the daughter says something. If your DH pushes you on it just tell him you will call the bank. My brother was an addict, you couldn’t trust him or believe anything he said or did.

harshedbuzz

@cookiemom54

You've gotten a warning shot across the bow. It is time to take action.

That your DH displayed such poor judgement and lack of executive function means that he can no longer participate in the financial responsibilities of your household. This means you don't try to explain what you're doing or why you are doing it. You just do it. IME, this discussion will only agitate him, so skip it. If he asks why, leave the daughter out of it and blame it on a data breach or something.

A PWD can destroy you financially in a heartbeat with no do overs. Dad day traded away $360K while mom insisted he was fine. He also had 6 separate internet security suites on auto-renew and bought a Ford Taurus at full MSRP while mom was in the hospital. The night before he'd called me (in PA) because he couldn't find the hotel (in FL) in which he was supposed to stay— Google Maps showed it directly across the street from the hospital's main entrance.

I would urge you to lock down your credit with the 3 reporting agencies today. This will prevent him from being coerced into cosigning a loan for his daughter or a telephone scammer opening credit using his credentials.

I would replace the credit cards immediately. If you decide to allow him a card, perhaps a prepaid or debit from a smaller separate account would be safer.

I would change the passwords on any banking or investment accounts to prevent him accessing them.

I don't know your financial situation or whether you have LTC insurance against this costly disease. As your DH progresses, it may be necessary to access Medicaid for in-home or institutional care. This application requires a 5-Year-Lookback for transfer of funds and gifting. If his daughter scams him, it could prevent him getting assistance when you truly need it.

Drug addicts and adult children who would take "their" inheritance before it's wasted on care can be dangerous.

HB

WIGO23

I just wanted to reach out and say I am sorry you have had to join this journey with us already here. You will find good advice here as well as a place to vent. This place gives the most support, both emotional and practical, that I have found. Again, I am sorry you have begun this difficult journey.

mrsdee13

This is sad but so true. My DH had created over $58,000 in credit card debt over the last couple of years, and I didn't know. I am still not sure what happened or what he brought. When this came to light, he started claiming the bank was taking his money, but it was the auto draft from the credit card payments with very high interest rates. Things started going downhill for him last April and May. He has not been officially diagnosed yet, and he's in denial, but he isn't able to work. He has had some testing and completed a couple of brain scans. I am now waiting on an appointment with a geriatric-memory care physician. I've had to take over all his debt and any business affairs he once had. I found out last night he's not been taking his medication as prescribed. He's very frustrated and in denial, so I must be careful how much I push. Unfortunately, I am coming to terms with the fact that as much as I want him to be independent and treated like an adult, he's no longer capable of those things. You must handle this issue, or it will only worsen. I don't look forward to it either, but someone has to be the adult in the room, and that is not your LO. I can't talk, but WE must care for ourselves, too. Physical, emotional, and financial. Hang in there; it's going to be a challenge.

SDianeL

So sorry about your DH’s diagnosis. I ditto what others posted. Take control now. Don’t wait. Use the POA. Cancel all cards and give him a low limit one and a bit of cash. Lock down his Internet access and phone. Monitor his calls. He’s now vulnerable to scammers and salespeople. He also needs to stop driving. I told my husband he needed to stop driving because the doctor said so and that we could be sued and the next day he gave me his keys. Once he has a diagnosis you could be sued even if an accident is not his fault. Learn to fib to him. Blame anything on the bank. If he has a vehicle, have someone remove it and tell him it’s in the shop. You need to be strong to protect your assets. He can no longer reason. His reasoner is broken. Come here often for info and support.