VD 93 yr old mom

Shenmama99

just found you guys a couple of days ago. Thank you God for this support. I’ve known for quite a few years her mind was bad. Her old PC was not a very compassionate doctor so I finally switched her to a new one. CScan came back as vascular dementia. Her chronic UTI’s are a result of poor hygiene. She’s been on 6 rounds of meds in less than 6 months. She got into her meds and that was horrible. Anyway she is now constantly supervised by me and my sisters. I know I’m rambling but my mind is pudding. This is the hardest thing g I’ve gone through. I’m also feeling guilty because I just want her to pass. That sounds and is so selfish. I’ve grieved my mom long ago. The person she is now is t my mom anymore. Sorry for the rant. I really appreciate all of you and it’s nice to be able to talk to people who know what I’m going through. I’m sure you guys have gotten so much wonderful advise from friends who don’t have a clue what you are going through g through. My favorite remark is “well why did she do that?” Seriously?! It’s called dementia!!!!! Anyway anyone who sees my post, I hope you can have a nice day and we all need to remember to take care of ourselves ❤️

SusanB-dil

Hi Shenmama - yes, it is very difficult to see our LO in such a state, and no, It is definitely not easy to have to deal with all that comes with it! Not only dealing with the day-to-day stuff, but including 'well-meaning' friends and even family, who have no clue.

Please don't feel guilty that you want 'this' part of things to be over, have a life again, and her to be at peace.

Quilting brings calm

welcome to the forum. Please don’t feel guilty about your thoughts. This disease is horrible and we all know our loved ones don’t want to linger this way. A lot of them flat out tell us they don’t want to live like this.

psg712

I hear you on the frustration of advice that is not helpful. For me, the most distressing comments are the ones that explain away mom's confusion or behavior - giving some explanation other than the reality that her brain is deteriorating and she cannot function as the person she used to be. I then realize that I cannot talk to these people with any expectation of support. That's why this forum is such a blessing. Folks here truly understand.

Shenmama99

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/234323#Comment_234323

Thank you! ❤️

Shenmama99

Thank you! I am truly grateful for this group.

Shenmama99

Thank you!

roadwarrior

So sorry for all you've been and are going through.

In reading your thoughts, I empathize in almost exact circumstances. It's amazing the similarities you've had that I also have with my mom. Mine is aging in place in AL with hospice care. UTIs so bad we had to choose a long term antibiotic. She knows me but it's almost like talking to someone you don't know.

I feel guilty for being numb to it now and I know a shock will come some day. I, too, have grieved already and likely will again. It's horrific to watch. And frustrating to explain to well meaning people.

Sorry again for this journey your family is enduring.

Shenmama99

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/234397#Comment_234397

thank you roadwarrior. Im so sorry for all u r going through. Thank you for reaching out.

JulieDive

This all is way too familiar to me. My Mother has been in memory care since the end of March. We had to move her close to me after her husband passed away very unexpectedly right after they had moved into AL in their home state, (She was in MC, he in another section.) It took 2 months after his passing for her to ask if there had been a memorial. We did not have her go to the funeral as she wouldn't have been able to receive condolences with any awareness. Her brothers and SILs, me and my sister had a little gathering in her room a couple of weeks after he passed and she had/has no memory of that. Once we moved her near me at the end of May, she experienced a little spark of improvement. It gave me a little hope that since she was eating regular meals and had more visits and outings with family and also meeting others in her new home, that maybe she wasn't in as bad of shape as we had observed prior to the move. That was very short-lived - perhaps a month or 2 - because the past several months there has been a big decline in her cognition, language and movements. Most of our "conversations" are just random words she spits out and then asks me if it made sense. I usually just say something like, well, I got lost in the middle and then try to change the subject. The past couple of months she has been hallucinating. She also has macular degeneration which requires bi-monthly eye injections. Her Mother had that as well and also developed the hallucinations that sometimes accompany that. It's called Charles Bonnet Syndrome. Her Mother was fine cognitively and when she "saw" men walking by, she knew they weren't real. (She would comment that they were nice looking men, so we were happy for her on that!) I don't know if Mom's hallucinations are due to MG or her dementia -and I'm not sure there is a way to determine that. She talks to people who aren't there - thinks I'm sleeping on her sofa while I'm standing there in front of her. She will ask me if I'm tired and that's why I'm lying down. Yes, I'm tired, but I am not lying down. Pointing that out to her doesn't seem to register. There are times, though, that she will make a comment like "I'm not completely lost" - so she knows she's not right. And that's hard for me because I know she must be struggling so hard in her mind to make sense of what is going on around her. Heartbreaking. Also, I want to agree with others here saying it's difficult to talk to people who haven't experienced this with a loved one. I actually get the feeling sometimes that if I relay some action my Mom did, that it's being stored away to tell others about at a later date to, I don't know, shock or gossip. This closes me off more from friends. I know they don't have bad intentions, I just don't think they realize how it is when you're in the trenches and it's not a contest to see whose family member did the weirdest thing.

I didn't mean to go on for so long, but it is cathartic to write it all down. I do keep notes on my iphone to be able to try to track her actions and our daily interactions to try to gauge her progression.

I would love to hear how others are dealing with these types of things. Mom is in MC in AL, but I go by after work every day for an hour or so to make sure she's clean and her room is in OK shape and "visit". I had been taking her for little shopping outings on the weekends, but she hasn't been up to doing that for a while. Yesterday I asked her if she wanted to go for a ride and get a milkshake and she said yes. She was confused as to what her socks were, so I got those on for her. I wanted her to get her own shoes on because I want her to do for herself what she can for as long as she can. She never got them on, but looked at me and said, "Thank you. This is nice - to be out." Milkshakes were never mentioned again. Maybe today.

VictoriaA

This forum, your transparent comment, and everyone’s support (as I just read through their replies) means so much to me, too. I’ve only recently joined myself, and already feel better knowing I have a place where I can be authentic, understood, and even be messy when/if necessary, and just take a moment to exhale...

There’s so much gold that people offer here. Support, advice, empathy, wisdom. It’s a godsend, truly. I feel SO much better just knowing I’m not alone

Sending you lots of love, peace and strength as you continue to navigate this journey. We’re in this together!

Shenmama99

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/234424#Comment_234424

hang in there. It all really sucks. Thanks for reaching out.