Xmas decorations everywhere...

brupt30

Just need to vent - my DH was diagnosed recently with MCI although I believe that he is further along and we will be getting further evaluation. In the meantime, I am really struggling with his "organization" skills and insistence that he does not need help.

DH has always taken great pride each year in setting up full size decorated Christmas trees in multiple rooms of the house. We also gave each other ornaments as gifts for decades, which has led to a very extensive and sentimentally important collection, along with a vast amount of Christmas themed dishes, linens & decorations. The setup and take-down of Christmas stuff has always been a very labor intensive project for my DH but gradually his ability to manage it has declined. He is very insistent that he does not need help, yet he is caught in an endless loop of cleaning ornaments, then putting them back in the chaotic pile of untouched ornaments, decorations, empty boxes, pieces of artificial trees, and starts the process all over again. He takes great offense to me suggesting options to improve the process, but I feel like my sanity will be on the brink if I can't get this stuff put away. I noticed a significant dropoff in his abilities last year when our house looked like a hoarder situation for many months while he maintained that everything was "under control".

Each day we agree on some specific steps that may help to simplify the process, then the next day he forgets everything and gets defensive again. I know that he is not being difficult intentionally, but he is truly stuck in patterns that will not produce a result. How can I get him to "let go" a little to allow me to help?

CampCarol

Is it possible for you to pack up a little bit at a time while he’s sleeping to get the simplified process moving? Then just continue in that manner the next day as if he had started it? Or instead, pack up a little bit and store it away so he no longer sees it? It may not be as organized as you would like, but you’ll gradually make a dent. I had to do this with my husbands fishing gear a while back, I couldn’t take it being all over the house so I slowly lugged items a tiny bit at a time into storage. He didn’t notice because it was so piecemeal.

Quilting brings calm

I would do these things at the same time whenever he is asleep: 1) Pack a small amount. 2) as you do so, cull out the items that you haven’t been displaying and get them out of sight - donate or sell if they are sellable. 3. Discard broken or otherwise unusable items.

Stop discussing the process with him. He doesn’t remember between conversations, so no point in having them.

And, yes, he’s probably in stage 4 - mild dementia rather than stage 3 - MCI. Doctors are extremely reluctant to cross that MCI barrier until they just can’t avoid it.

SDianeL

Read the book “The 36 Hour Day” which helped me after my husband’s diagnosis. Someone posted here that “you can’t reason with someone whose ‘reasoner’ is broken.” That smacked me upside the head. You will not make him understand nor will you get him to change. You are wasting your breath and energy. You will need to do it. A little at a time while he’s sleeping as others have suggested. I would donate as much as you can. You can no longer rely on him to make good decisions or to take action.

justbreathe2

My DH is the same way. I never tell him when I am going to move/clean or plan anything. Try to do a little bit at a time when he is sleeping. I take advantage of any time I can get. When he is showering I get 30-45 minutes to get things done. Luckily when I was taking decorations off tree, he got busy untangling the ornament hangars. I was so glad because I got so much time in that hour.

I know this is not possible for everyone though.

trottingalong

I get up an hour earlier than my husband. I race around doing things that he thinks I shouldn’t be doing. Even yard work. I had some tree branches that fell in a storm a few weeks ago. Big redwoods. Every morning, in my robe mind you, I would get my long hand saw and saw the branches in sections so I could toss them down behind our house. Took me 8 days. He never noticed.

Jgirl57

brupt30, we went through also. It is very hard at that stage. Bottom line is you will need to do it , little by little and have it be “ out of sight, out of mind”. I found Stage 3&4 very difficult as a spouse caregiver.

brupt30

Thanks for all of the comments; I'm sorry that we are all going through this but I'm very happy to have this community….and it makes me not feel as guilty about doing clandestine things that are necessary. My DH literally insisted on doing everything around the house for most of our long marriage, but I'm gradually learning how to take care of maintenance items and just get them done!

Biggles

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/234374#Comment_234374

I love this action it’s the same sort of thing I do. IF my DH knows what I am going to do he will try everything to stop me doing it eg painting a bench, mending a fence, reorganising the shed etc etc. I run around when he is sleeping and do all sorts of things it also makes me feel happily in control.

Biggles

Well done take control.

trottingalong

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/234545#Comment_234545

You made me smile first thing this morning. I never thought of it until you mentioned “happily in control.” Soooo true.