Caring for my grandmother and my family

tompacker

Hello! New here and wanted to share my situation, and hopefully get some feedback. My wife and I and our two girls are live-in caregivers for my 93 year old grandmother. My kids are 5 and 6, and we have another on the way. When we moved in with her almost 4 years ago, we realized she wasn't getting the support she needed from family nearby, so we took on all medical and financial responsibilities, as well as meals, house work, and maintenance. While she loves her great grandchildren and does enjoy them being here, she also gets irritated with them easily (she really can't stand loud noise), makes me and my wife feel like terrible parents sometimes by the things she says, nitpicks, and has a really hard time adapting to how our kids behave vs. how she remembers her kids behaving (they weren't angels). We have completely normal children who fight with each other, are loud (even when they are just playing), and are messy. Normal kid stuff. All of this is really hard on her as she navigates living with dementia. I often wonder if we are the right fit for her, especially as we welcome a new member of the family at the end of this month who will most likely wake up crying at night, and throughout the day. I love my grandmother and would never abandon her, but is us living with her doing more harm than good? On the other side of the coin, I don't know what she would do if we weren't at least close by to help her through her day. Has anyone else been in this situation? Do I just need to suck it up? My main concern is her and her sanity, and not making her struggles any worse.

mabelgirl

Your first priority is your children. Fragile children are learning their self worth and if there are frequent corrections or criticism can be detrimental. I am assuming grandma has some dementia. My mom came to live with me and for awhile she was okay. Then she started a decline became very mean and ugly towards me. My gr8granddaughter visited often and absolutely loved taking care of my mom. She understood that my mom’s brain was “broken”. Then my mom said one or two harsh things to her and it absolutely crushed my gr8granddaughter. This was after we started medications for agitation. That’s when I knew I had to care for my mother differently and sought an ALF with MC. We don’t abandon our love ones but find a solution that is best for the entire family. Not knowing the legalities that are in place whomever has DPOA needs to step in. If there isn’t one seek an elder attorney for advice. You can also try for help from area agency on aging or your elder affairs office. Please do not sacrifice one generation for another. Prayers for a solution.

SusanB-dil

Hi tompacker - welcome to 'here', but sorry for the reason.

I agree with mabelgirl - your family, especially young children, need to come first.

At least temporarily, maybe adult daycare through the week. Also, check with her doc to see about something to dial back the agitation. You may have to look into memory care, and that would NOT be abandonment, as you would still be her advocate, and would still be very available for her.

psg712

Agree with the others. My son was 9 when I moved my mom from 400 miles away to be closer to us. We considered bringing her to live in our home, as we had cared for my MIL in our home for her last few years. MIL, however, had typical aging issues and physical care needs, NOT dementia.

We decided to place my mom in an AL close to our home, partly because she could not be alone safely while we worked, but also because we did not want our son to have daily interaction with the inevitable decline of Alzheimers. He still sees her, but dementia is not in his face every moment in his own home. He's in middle school now, which is challenging enough with developing identity and independence. We adults know how tough it is not to take personally the things that are said and done by our PWD. Imagine how much more damaging that can be for a child or adolescent. My mom is now in memory care, which has been very good for her and for the family.

Of course every situation is different. With young kids and a newborn, you have plenty on your plate already. Dementia needs grow greater with time. At some point, your grandmother will not be safe at home alone while you take the kids to the doctor, birthday party, sports practice ... Are there other family members who can help with your grandmother's care? Do you have power of attorney for her? You will need it, if you are going to arrange any outside care for her. You have done so much for her already! But it may be time to get more of a team together to handle future needs.

H1235

I also agree with the other. Keep in mind that assisted living will offer her a chance to socialize with others her age. It will give her some independence in her own living space. It will give her peace and quiet when she wants it. The stress of being around young rambunctious kids all the time may cause anxiety for her. That’s not good. The burden of correcting her or trying to convince her to do something (exercise, eat more, shower …) will be on staff not family. It’s also not like you just drop her off and you’re done. Even in assisted living there is a lot to do( bringing in snacks, depends, soda, paying bills and managing money, attending family activities, consulting with the doctors ….) When my mom lived with my brother she didn’t even bother to get dressed most days. Being around other people and socializing is a good thing.