Huge fiblet: spouse is "dead." Is it justified?

KikiCruz

I've been living with/caring for Mom, in MS ALZ, for 5 weeks since Dad (also ALZ) fell and broke his hip: always our worst case scenario. Finally have her paperwork almost done for admission to a MC near me (700 miles from their home, which has made this all so hard). The plan is to take her on a plane for a "short visit" to my and my husband's home, prep the room at MC with all her stuff, then bring her over and let the staff help her adjust. She has missed socializing, and I think she'll do great with all their activities.

Problem is: when she remembers that Dad is in SNF here in their hometown, she gets anxious that she hasn't visited him lately or been a dutiful wife. But the fall accelerated his dementia to severe stage—hallucinations, loss of inhibition, loss of language—and he had medical complications as well. They are recommending hospice. We have visited 1-3x each day since his fall. Sometimes it upsets her very much, then she resets in the morning and starts talking about him in the present tense, not recalling that he will never walk again and probably won't live more than 6 months.

Do we move Mom into the MC, then tell her that he passed? This is what director of facility recommended, so that she won't constantly get upset that she hasn't gone to visit him?

On the other hand, won't it also upset her to know he has died—and she will probably know she wasn't there with him.

There is also a slim chance that his condition will improve enough to transport him to a hospice in the town where I live (again, 700m away). In that scenario, he may be in a SNF near her and she could visit. He hasn't recognized us for at least a week, but I guess that could change.

All options seem cruel, but so is this disease. On both of them. WWYD?

Quilting brings calm

I would tell her he’s coming later when ‘ he feels up to it and his doctor says it’s ok’. That moving separately is the best option because you need to get back home to your place. Yes she will probably ask about him repeatedly and you will just keep giving her that answer … until he dies or you can move him.

fmb

I agree with QBC. Telling her that he died will just lead to fresh grief every time she asks about him and you have to tell her again that he died. Better to give her some hope (at least in the moment) that she will be with him again.

H1235

I think the goal is to cause her the least amount of stress. Telling her he has passed seems like it’s just substituting one source of stress for another. I agree with QBC. Tell her he will move when the doctors give the ok. Hopefully she doesn’t recognize the amount of time that is passing. Keep your comments about your dad vague and positive, but not too positive. He has a great team of nurses looking after him, he is in good hands, Im sure he understands that you can’t be there… I would imagine this will have to be repeated many times, but the same might be the case if you tell her he has passed. Just my opinion. What an awful position to be in.

KikiCruz

Thanks, everyone. After talking it over and sleeping on it, we pushed back at the director and said we wanted to try it our way: tell her she's on a "trial" of an AL to see if she thinks Dad would like it, and that he will come to join her when the doctor clears him to travel. After she gets comfortable there we can break it to her…if her dementia brain hasn't already invented a story of widowhood to explain why she is now living alone. I'll keep you posted about how this goes!

A death story just seems so huge and irrevocable, especially to someone who will already be adjusting to the challenge of a new space.