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Hold it all in and Boom along comes red licorice

It was the red licorice fight. My DH ate all of my red licorice. So rude! Not just any red licorice, but the bag my son gave me for Christmas. It was a leftover childhood memory of his to relive.

I was shocked it was gone, and more so, i felt disrespected. A string had been crossed.

“I couldn’t control myself,” my DH confessed. “You took the dog to the park and I kept on eating it.”

“That was my Christmas gift from David.” I said, suddenly recalling, there had been no gift from him, under the tree. (Yes, in my mind, they are directly connected…maybe a wife thing?)

On top of it, I had no intention of sharing -i love red licorice, or at least, I do now.

My DH is stage 4/5 -can at times function pretty good (go to the movies himself, order Amazon dog food) while mornings, he can hardly speak or process conversations.

He didn’t seem to “get it” I am carrying the weight with little to no physical or emotional support from him. This is really hard. He doesn’t have much empathy anymore. Sadly, Alzheimer’s claimed one of his best qualities. We have a one-sided relationship now. He was my support system -we were invincible-and now it’s just me.

Red licorice. And I thought it was junk food but now, I think, it’s food for thought.

Comments

  • Bailey's Mom
    Bailey's Mom Member Posts: 147
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    HaHa!…this made me laugh when I didn't think it was possible today! I have found that if I want to enjoy a treat that is mine alone I have to hide it or HWD will eat it all. I can sure relate to a one-sided relationship and having to do it all without support…the hardest thing is doing it all with constant criticism. At the moment I am trying to decide between a will or revocable living trust and spill over will, worrying about who will take care of my dog if I die, (I have no children or close relatives to do it), creating a pet trust or naming a pet guardian in my will, who will take care of HWD if I become incapacitated, etc, etc, etc. He is complaining that he doesn't like the taste of the decaf coffee that I just drove an hour to buy for him, and is asking me the same questions about his finances over and over. Does this qualify for 'Life isn't Fair'?

  • Jazzma
    Jazzma Member Posts: 136
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    "We joked for many years that between the two of us we had one good mind, but now we only have mine. I have all of the responsibility," Boy does that resonate!

  • PattiRN2
    PattiRN2 Member Posts: 16
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    It does qualify for life isn’t fair. I love the commercial where a woman soaking in a tub uses bath beads to relax and melt away the day. That famous slogan, “Calgon Take Me Away” can be applied here, too! .

    BTW- Driving an hour to make someone happy is a very kind deed and a show of love. Period.

  • PattiRN2
    PattiRN2 Member Posts: 16
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    “Strength to see it through.” That is my greatest fear for myself. It’s reassuring to read someone else feels that way.

  • CampCarol
    CampCarol Member Posts: 141
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    This was me just the other day…only it was mini black and white cookies. I bought myself a small package at the grocery as a treat and did not hide them well enough. I was MAD, and when I asked him about them, he said the exact same thing as your DH: "I couldn't control myself", then added "you know I'm sick." What galls me even more is that he doesn't even like black & white cookies, aarrggh!

  • Russinator
    Russinator Member Posts: 101
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    Hugs to all of us caretakers

  • jfkoc
    jfkoc Member Posts: 4,045
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    If you want it hide it…lol. My husband never knew about the Enstrom's toffee!

  • FTDCaregiver1
    FTDCaregiver1 Member Posts: 129
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    got a chuckle from your story, and reminded me of the time DW and I were shopping at Meijer’s some years back, she was probably stage 3. She filled the cart with 16 Boxes of Turkish delights, omg! Cleaned out the store. At least she shared though, lol.

  • KathyBol
    KathyBol Member Posts: 32
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    All of these comments resonate with me. My DH has packed the car to go to his real home. He has not driven the car for a few months now, but demanded the key today. He was furious that I would not give it to him. Now, he is pouting and won’t talk. So yes I do know what it’s like to be the bad guy, and very much alone!

  • Dixie456
    Dixie456 Member Posts: 3
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    Found all of this helpful and comforting….. because misery does love company. My DH is still in early stages, still drives to the gym and grocery for only 1 or 2 things (3 or more and he's bound to fail). I find that if I "make a big deal" out of something he will remember it. I can't make a big deal out of everything. He's running water down the kitchen sink for 5 minutes (because he thinks it's clogged - it's not clogged and running water wouldn't help if it was). I tell him that politely and he stops. Ten minutes later he's doing it again. Again, 10 minutes later…..I'm polite and he stops. When I "make a big deal out of it" and tell him to STOP DOING THAT - IT'S NOT CLOGGED AND YOU'RE NOT GOING TO FIX IT LIKE THAT IF IT WAS!!!! He will stop. Do I need to be an a$$h@le about everything to get him to comply? If I stomp around like an a$$h@le all day will it keep him from doing stupid $#iT? I really want to give it a try….. but then I know how guilty I will feel.

    REAL QUESTION FOR THE GROUP - where should I look for coping tactics for early stages…. something to tell me what to say and what NOT to say…. I want to ask my DH sometimes but don't want to insult him but I sometimes want to know "Do you really see this thing you're doing/saying as correct…. you can tie your shoes and make a sandwich…. but do you think this is the answer?" ….. he knows what he's doing most of the time…. but the disease is starting to erode his common sense. So many things I wonder….

  • sandwichone123
    sandwichone123 Member Posts: 837
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    KathyBol you might want to tell him a fib if that happens—that the key is lost or that the car broke down and you're waiting for a tow. It's tough if they think we're the reason they can't do what they want to do, but they will often accept the most transparent excuses.

  • GayleW
    GayleW Member Posts: 2
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    It is very hard for us who are so connected with who that person used to be. It not that he meant to be hurtful, but it just happens. I miss the companionship I used to have with my DH. You have my sympathy.

  • Cardenas1816
    Cardenas1816 Member Posts: 7
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    Your post made me smile. I can totally understand.

    One of the things that hit me the hardest was realizing that my DH can no longer tell when I’m hurting emotionally. He was my rock that could comfort me in the rough times.

    What I’ve learned is that self care (and buying as much red licorice as you want ) is important to make you a better care giver. Refilling your emotional tank is very important.

  • HollyBerry
    HollyBerry Member Posts: 190
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    Thank you for this thread! I have everything and nothing to add. We just had our daily (sometimes twice daily, if I'm home at lunchtime) non-battle of the granola bars. Her geriatrics provider says I don't have to fight this battle but she insists in resurrecting it multiple times a day. I am so tired of everything I do or say leading to her picking a fight - if I don't respond, then she gets mad because I'm ignoring her, and if I contribute anything to the conversation then I'm the bad guy. Makes it very hard to want to be at home with her at all and I find I'm running out the door at every opportunity because I know it won't be long before I can't do that any more.

    And @PattiRN2, my red licorice is my horse. In the beginning, if I said I needed to ride my horse after work she'd be totally supportive of that (we've had horses forever, they're a huge part of our lives, she used to encourage me to ride him more often). Now when I mention it, I get an assortment of responses which begins with OhPoorMeAllAloneAtHomeAgain, followed by a snide comment about YouWon'tGetHomeAtTheTimeYouSayYouWill, and WHATWILLIEAT???WHATWILLIFEEDTHEDOG?? Next is essentially, You'reSoSelfishItsAlwaysYOUMakingAllTheDecisionsWhenDidYouGetLikeThis? At that point I have my coat on and I'm running out the door. It makes me even more certain that once she can't stay home by herself, it's time for another living arrangement.

  • PattiRN2
    PattiRN2 Member Posts: 16
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    My DH stopped driving almost two years ago and fortunately we live in a town where he can walk to restaurants, movies etc. I only give him a very small amount of cash because numbers are meaningless. He wouldn’t know if he was paying $20 for a pack of gum. He takes himself around the corner to get lunch uses the cc-and I get immediate notification of the charge. The tricky part is the tip. We solved that by giving $5 tip no matter the cost.

Commonly Used Abbreviations


DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
Read more