Hold it all in and Boom along comes red licorice



It was the red licorice fight. My DH ate all of my red licorice. So rude! Not just any red licorice, but the bag my son gave me for Christmas. It was a leftover childhood memory of his to relive.
I was shocked it was gone, and more so, i felt disrespected. A string had been crossed.
“I couldn’t control myself,” my DH confessed. “You took the dog to the park and I kept on eating it.”
“That was my Christmas gift from David.” I said, suddenly recalling, there had been no gift from him, under the tree. (Yes, in my mind, they are directly connected…maybe a wife thing?)
On top of it, I had no intention of sharing -i love red licorice, or at least, I do now.
My DH is stage 4/5 -can at times function pretty good (go to the movies himself, order Amazon dog food) while mornings, he can hardly speak or process conversations.
He didn’t seem to “get it” I am carrying the weight with little to no physical or emotional support from him. This is really hard. He doesn’t have much empathy anymore. Sadly, Alzheimer’s claimed one of his best qualities. We have a one-sided relationship now. He was my support system -we were invincible-and now it’s just me.
Red licorice. And I thought it was junk food but now, I think, it’s food for thought.
Comments
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HaHa!…this made me laugh when I didn't think it was possible today! I have found that if I want to enjoy a treat that is mine alone I have to hide it or HWD will eat it all. I can sure relate to a one-sided relationship and having to do it all without support…the hardest thing is doing it all with constant criticism. At the moment I am trying to decide between a will or revocable living trust and spill over will, worrying about who will take care of my dog if I die, (I have no children or close relatives to do it), creating a pet trust or naming a pet guardian in my will, who will take care of HWD if I become incapacitated, etc, etc, etc. He is complaining that he doesn't like the taste of the decaf coffee that I just drove an hour to buy for him, and is asking me the same questions about his finances over and over. Does this qualify for 'Life isn't Fair'?
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I feel your pain. My DW is in about the same place as your DH, although she is unable to go anywhere by herself. On the surface she appears to be the same person she always was but the empathy is gone, she no longer participates in meal prep or housekeeping (although she is quick to point out what needs to be done).
We joked for many years that between the two of us we had one good mind, but now we only have mine. I have all of the responsibility, I have to make all the decisions but make her believe she is participating and making a contribution.
I find it is less painful to just absorb the hurtful things she says and does without remark. I know it's not really her. I know how frightened she is. I just hope I have the strength to see it through.
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"We joked for many years that between the two of us we had one good mind, but now we only have mine. I have all of the responsibility," Boy does that resonate!
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It does qualify for life isn’t fair. I love the commercial where a woman soaking in a tub uses bath beads to relax and melt away the day. That famous slogan, “Calgon Take Me Away” can be applied here, too! .
BTW- Driving an hour to make someone happy is a very kind deed and a show of love. Period.
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“Strength to see it through.” That is my greatest fear for myself. It’s reassuring to read someone else feels that way.
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This was me just the other day…only it was mini black and white cookies. I bought myself a small package at the grocery as a treat and did not hide them well enough. I was MAD, and when I asked him about them, he said the exact same thing as your DH: "I couldn't control myself", then added "you know I'm sick." What galls me even more is that he doesn't even like black & white cookies, aarrggh!
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Hugs to all of us caretakers
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If you want it hide it…lol. My husband never knew about the Enstrom's toffee!
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got a chuckle from your story, and reminded me of the time DW and I were shopping at Meijer’s some years back, she was probably stage 3. She filled the cart with 16 Boxes of Turkish delights, omg! Cleaned out the store. At least she shared though, lol.
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This really hit home. I feel like I give and give and give and get nothing in return. It's hard to be in charge of it all.
I was feeling down the other night and voiced my fears to DH (who is in the early stages) saying "There's nobody to take care of ME." I felt guilty for even saying it because I know he feels bad too.
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My DW and I have been together 56 years. Our relationship has excluded everybody else. Neither of us have close friends or siblings we can share with. Last night she told me I was the only one that she could talk with about how hard this was for her. I don't want to tell her how hard it is for me, I don't want to add to her pain. Every now and then I unload on you all. It might not be the best solution but it helps.
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All of these comments resonate with me. My DH has packed the car to go to his real home. He has not driven the car for a few months now, but demanded the key today. He was furious that I would not give it to him. Now, he is pouting and won’t talk. So yes I do know what it’s like to be the bad guy, and very much alone!
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Found all of this helpful and comforting….. because misery does love company. My DH is still in early stages, still drives to the gym and grocery for only 1 or 2 things (3 or more and he's bound to fail). I find that if I "make a big deal" out of something he will remember it. I can't make a big deal out of everything. He's running water down the kitchen sink for 5 minutes (because he thinks it's clogged - it's not clogged and running water wouldn't help if it was). I tell him that politely and he stops. Ten minutes later he's doing it again. Again, 10 minutes later…..I'm polite and he stops. When I "make a big deal out of it" and tell him to STOP DOING THAT - IT'S NOT CLOGGED AND YOU'RE NOT GOING TO FIX IT LIKE THAT IF IT WAS!!!! He will stop. Do I need to be an a$$h@le about everything to get him to comply? If I stomp around like an a$$h@le all day will it keep him from doing stupid $#iT? I really want to give it a try….. but then I know how guilty I will feel.
REAL QUESTION FOR THE GROUP - where should I look for coping tactics for early stages…. something to tell me what to say and what NOT to say…. I want to ask my DH sometimes but don't want to insult him but I sometimes want to know "Do you really see this thing you're doing/saying as correct…. you can tie your shoes and make a sandwich…. but do you think this is the answer?" ….. he knows what he's doing most of the time…. but the disease is starting to erode his common sense. So many things I wonder….
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KathyBol you might want to tell him a fib if that happens—that the key is lost or that the car broke down and you're waiting for a tow. It's tough if they think we're the reason they can't do what they want to do, but they will often accept the most transparent excuses.
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It is very hard for us who are so connected with who that person used to be. It not that he meant to be hurtful, but it just happens. I miss the companionship I used to have with my DH. You have my sympathy.
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Your post made me smile. I can totally understand.
One of the things that hit me the hardest was realizing that my DH can no longer tell when I’m hurting emotionally. He was my rock that could comfort me in the rough times.
What I’ve learned is that self care (and buying as much red licorice as you want ) is important to make you a better care giver. Refilling your emotional tank is very important.
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Thank you for this thread! I have everything and nothing to add. We just had our daily (sometimes twice daily, if I'm home at lunchtime) non-battle of the granola bars. Her geriatrics provider says I don't have to fight this battle but she insists in resurrecting it multiple times a day. I am so tired of everything I do or say leading to her picking a fight - if I don't respond, then she gets mad because I'm ignoring her, and if I contribute anything to the conversation then I'm the bad guy. Makes it very hard to want to be at home with her at all and I find I'm running out the door at every opportunity because I know it won't be long before I can't do that any more.
And @PattiRN2, my red licorice is my horse. In the beginning, if I said I needed to ride my horse after work she'd be totally supportive of that (we've had horses forever, they're a huge part of our lives, she used to encourage me to ride him more often). Now when I mention it, I get an assortment of responses which begins with OhPoorMeAllAloneAtHomeAgain, followed by a snide comment about YouWon'tGetHomeAtTheTimeYouSayYouWill, and WHATWILLIEAT???WHATWILLIFEEDTHEDOG?? Next is essentially, You'reSoSelfishItsAlwaysYOUMakingAllTheDecisionsWhenDidYouGetLikeThis? At that point I have my coat on and I'm running out the door. It makes me even more certain that once she can't stay home by herself, it's time for another living arrangement.
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Ditto to all that! It's extremely hard for me to leave for more than 5 mins though…I can't even walk the dog alone anymore. Tomorrow I'm going to the Dr's by myself (something to look forward to!). When I said that my appt was so early (8:00 am) and he would be away from a bathroom for several hrs so it would probably be better if I went alone, he said…"of course you would say that, everything's about you!" What a life…
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My DH stopped driving almost two years ago and fortunately we live in a town where he can walk to restaurants, movies etc. I only give him a very small amount of cash because numbers are meaningless. He wouldn’t know if he was paying $20 for a pack of gum. He takes himself around the corner to get lunch uses the cc-and I get immediate notification of the charge. The tricky part is the tip. We solved that by giving $5 tip no matter the cost.
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Commonly Used Abbreviations
DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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