Dreading visit to mom in MC

Anonymousjpl123

So…I am starting a new job next week (with people I know), and winding down my current job, and thus much busier than usual. I have seen my mom maybe 1-2 times a week instead of 3-4. She’s not unhappy but her disease is progressing. It sucks. I am now at a weird point. I find myself dreading seeing her. I hate that her words seldom make sense. That she says everything is great there. That she is declining. That all we do is walk up and down the halls, and sometimes go downstairs for a coffee or meal at the AL side for a change. Last week we went on a long drive, which was lovely, but I think it was close to too much.

How do I fight this negative attitude and go in for a visit? I keep wanting to do things, change things for her.

Anonymousjpl123

Also, to add: she is not in hospice, no one has suggested it, overall staff say she is doing great. Notice my lack of incontinance posts? Her MC got that sorted out. So there’s a lot to be thankful for. Lately I just don’t feel it.

Quilting brings calm

it’s ok to reduce the number of visits… and to make them shorter too. You have to protect yourself - especially when you start a new job. The MC will let you know when you actually need to come. At 1-2 times a week, your mom is still getting more visits than a lot of other residents. This is a marathon, not a sprint. There will come a time when you need to be there more often- now is not that time. So reduce your visits and save your sanity for later when you will be there more often.

fmb

I'm glad she seems to have settled in at the MCF and that the previous issues have been resolved. Visiting 1-2 times a week, especially with a job, is not shirking your duty. You have to take care of yourself in order to be there for her.

I would also add that you can't change things for her. Her disease is going to progress regardless of your wishes. It is good that you are recognizing that activities she used to enjoy (like long car rides) may now be too much. It is up to us as caregivers to be intuitive to our loved one's state of mind so we can meet them where they are. This may be different each time we see them.

When DH was still fairly cognizant, I took on the self-imposed role of 'cruise director' and dragged him to Bingo and other activities when all he wanted to do was sit quietly by himself. As I gained a greater understanding of how his mind was working, I realized that this was just frustrating both of us. Later on, when I would visit DH, as I went down the hall, I would try to mentally clear my mind in order to be prepared for whatever I might find that day. I found that going in to visit with little or no expectations helped ease my tension and made the visits better for both of us.

sandwichone123

I saw my spouse twice a week for the first two years he was in memory care—Sunday I'd take him out for lunch, and Wednesday I'd go see him after work. Now he's not socially aware enough to take him out and he doesn't seem to notice the passage of time, so I go see him once a week.

Now I go on Sunday in time to have a little time before the exercise class. I do the exercise class with him and go through the things in his room, pairing up the sox or disposing of the stuff he tends to gather. All together I stay just over an hour, which seems to be enough for him—he's ready to join the activity by the time I go. When the weather warms up and we can walk outside I may be able to stay longer. I also often bring something to read so we can just sit together.

psg712

Anonymous, I am with you. I feel that I should be at Mom's MC more often than I am, but work and other family needs often take precedence. As others have mentioned, time seems irrelevant to her - I am the one counting the days between visits…although I can't say that I look forward to them.

I find that shorter visits work better for her, as do visits earlier in the day. So I've tried to arrange my schedule so that I visit her just after breakfast for 30-40 minutes on my way in to work about twice per week. There isn't much for us to do or talk about together, but I check on whatever supplies she needs and do things like trim her nails. It doesn't seem like much to me, but she appears to enjoy being together. And it keeps me visible to the staff. There's been some turnover lately so I want to keep an eye on things.

Hang in there. The feeling of having nothing of significance to do for our moms is tough. At this point, it's not the doing. It's the being there.

Mint

I agree with fmb and psg712.

You cannot change it regardless of how much you want to so you have to work on coming to accept it . That may take you a little while. I go see my mom about four times a week and I agree shorter visits work well I usually stay 30- 60 minutes. My mom so far stays out in the sitting area and I’ve become friends with the other patients that sit out there. I am able to have a conversation with one of them. We enjoy talking to each other and we have some of the same interests. It’s very hard for me to have a conversation with my mom, it’s pretty much impossible. If she just stayed in her room all the time it would be harder for me.

LadyGray

These are all Good reminders for me to set the chaos of the world aside, slow down, walk at my Dad's pace and take the time to stop, observe and appreciate where he is, chat with him while I can. Their world is much smaller now, as the dementia progresses ❤️