Living situation options

KL2025

Mom has been recently diagnosed and extremely suspicious of Dad. So much so, that she does not want to live with him. She has wandered twice, but I've been quick enough to corral her which was tough even though I work from home (if it keeps happening, I'm sure my job wouldn't appreciate it). The second time was especially difficult. We recently placed her into a secure facility that handles dementia. Initially she loved her new apartment but is now not really settling well. She wants to live in a house that does not exist (figment of her imagination). Even if I get my own place, I couldn't handle her on my own and work. Are there any other options as far as living situation goes?

SDianeL

I think she’s in the right place for her safet and so you can work. If she’s not settling well, speak to the director or social worker. Does she need anxiety meds? Are they keeping her busy? She may be settling well but telling you otherwise. If she is looking for a place it’s due to anxiety and no place will work. She’s looking for a feeling not a place.

Quilting brings calm

it can take several months for her to settle in. Just keep telling her that the doctor feels this is the best solution for now.

MN Chickadee

Sounds like memory care is the right place for her where she is in a secure facility with 24/7 supervision, which you could not provide in a home if you are working. Many PWD find happiness elusive no matter where they live. They are looking for a place and feeling that no longer exists, and the caregivers just have to do the best they can with the resources available. Number one priority is safety and good care. The adjustment takes time. Weeks and months. If she is agitated, anxious, combative or has any other over the top issues you may want to consult her doctor for medication. Meds can really improve quality of life for people with dementia. We called the move temporary for my mom. The doctor wants you to stay here a while longer to work on _______ (insert whatever works. Your memory, your bad hip, blood pressure etc.) She was on an anti depressant and sleep med. Some PWD need something even stronger, like Seroquel or Risperidone. Eventually mom forgot she wanted to leave and it just became her home and new reality but it took several months to get remotely to a place of being somewhat content. If your dad is a trigger tell him not to visit for at least a few weeks. It's a rough time, I'm sorry it's so hard.

KL2025

Thank you all for your comments. She is on a med that will help stabilize her mood, but she has been inconsistent with taking it (even refusing it from the nurses). However, when she does take it, she does well. She has had several good days settling into the new spot. They have told us not to show up for about two weeks after the first disastrous visit. We are trying to balance what they're telling us with trying to show that we still care. It feels like such a fine line…

harshedbuzz

@KL2025

Hi and welcome. I am sorry for your reason to be here, but pleased you found this place.

You said:

She is on a med that will help stabilize her mood, but she has been inconsistent with taking it (even refusing it from the nurses). However, when she does take it, she does well. She has had several good days settling into the new spot. They have told us not to show up for about two weeks after the first disastrous visit. We are trying to balance what they're telling us with trying to show that we still care. It feels like such a fine line…

Given mom's behaviors, you and your dad have made the best choice given your limited options.

It sounds as though it is early days at the facility; many PWD take a month or two to adjust to the new space, routine and caregivers. It sounds like you dad is a visual trigger for negative feelings, and it might be necessary for him to give her a bit more time than the oft recommended 2-weeks.

I'm curious what kind of medication she is getting. Normally these would be an atypical antipsychotic like Seroquel or Risperdal which take up to a month to build up in a person's system and show the full benefit. Many caregivers have to crush/hide medications in food or hide suspensions in a drink either because of refusal or swallowing issues. The prescriber or pharmacist can advise if this is possible.

HB

towhee

MN Chickadee

You are doing very difficult things because you care and because you want her to be safe and cared for, but she will never see it that way; her declining brain just won't process it that way. Try to remember you are doing all this because you care and whether or not she sees it that way is not the point anymore. I would heed the staff's advice to stay away a few weeks and let her immerse herself in the new routines and people. Have you discussed the not taking meds issue with their director of nursing? They may need to find new ways. Most of those meds take time to work and will not be effective if they are being skipped some days. She may be a good candidate for a geriatric psychiatrist - they are the doctor most equipped to handle the more challenging behaviors associated with dementia. Some people do it outpatient like you would a neurologist or other specialist, and some get to the point they need inpatient for a few weeks in a geriatric psych unit to get the meds worked out and make care possible. Hopefully with time she settles in but tuck that in the back of your mind.