The Guilt? Sorry for this being SO LONG.

Firefly4777

My Mother was diagnosed a few years ago and is now mid stage, I guess.
I live with my parents and my older brother. (Long story.)
My parents are in their 80s.
My brother is mid 50's and I am 48.
I'm divorced (and single) and have 3 children of my own ages 15, 21 and 22. I work full time and commute an hour each day. I don't have the finances to move out right now and when I think about it, I am SO torn between desperation and guilt. My Dad does pretty much ALL the care for my Mother and he refuses to allow anyone outside the family (paid or not) to come in as a caregiver or to help.
I am so thankful that even at his age of 82, he is still mostly "at" himself. He really is good to Mom. However, he does everything for her and then resents me for "not being home" or "not talking to her enough" or "not giving him a break".My brother is the same way. He is mid50's, never married/single, has his own health issues of sorts, lives with us too, works M-F from about 9-6 just 1 mile from the house, makes twice the money I make, has no children etc. but told me yesterday that he "need me" to do more because he "has to have help."
He said this because his "responsibilities" to the family right now is that he uses my Dad's bank card (with permission, of course.) to pay for their medications and to shop for very minimal groceries online.
When he gets home from work, he will cook supper about two or three times a week and he will sit down and feed Mom her supper.
He complains alot that it takes her a "long time" to eat, so he "needs help" and he wants me to do it.
Please understand.
We aren't actually bickering or complaining about "having" to feed her.
We are thankful she is still eating at all.
The problem is with balance.
When he gets home, he wants to decompress.
When we get home, Dad needs a break.
When I get home, I need to catch up on things with the kids etc.
Dad does not want to "hire" anyone to help with Mom at all.
So it's the 3 of us who need to suck it up and get it done.
The biggest issue though, is that out of all of 3 of us, I'm the only one with a job an hour away and a younger son to parent.
I'm also the only other female, who is dealing with her OWN peri menopause struggle, while still trying to lose weight (I've lost 90 and have 40 more to go), to stay healthy and raise my own kids and maybe, ONE DAY, finding my OWN home again. When I mention that though, I'm called selfish.
And I feel guilty for "leaving" Mom. So I just stay and feel like I'm aging myself by being there. SIGH.
Another issue for me personally, is that by the time I get home after work, it's usually pretty close to Moms' bedtime, so her time to eat supper has already passed.
Yesterday, my brother texted me to say he needs me to commit to 2-3 nights a week to come home, cook supper and feed Mom.
I really have no problem with that. However, I have to be honest and say it honestly just makes me angry that this is even a "complaint" by him.
I know it sounds selfish, but I really do have other responsibilities that he and my Dad simply don't have. But they still think I'm a bad daughter for not doing more.
I help out alot, but they don't "count" that because they are the "main ones" who feed Mom.
Please help me understand why this is such a big ordeal.
I know it's time consuming.
I know it's difficult.
But I also know it's a blessing.
I promise I understand the best thing would be for me to move out, but I just feel hopeless. I don' t know how I would ever be able to afford it and when I think about it or even talk about it, I am met with a lot of backlash and guilt for "not caring" about my Mom or any of them. It's insanity. Another thing is that, to be brutally honest, it's really hard for me to be around my Mom like that. She and I were pretty close, but we were never as close as she and my brother were to each other. Even so, she was and is, a beautiful, loving Mother. When I spend alot of time with her or my Dad though, I feel so "old" and depressed. I hate to be selfish or to sound cruel because I promise I'm compassionate and I LOVE them, but being around 80 years olds day in and day out, is just hard. It's even harder when you're divorced, single and still trying to raise your own kids and be a good Mom for THEM, too. When I try to mention that though, my brother will tell me I'm hateful and self centered, always thinking about myself. Y'all, I am 48 years old. I lived on my own for 10 years before getting divorced. My family has no boundaries and they do not care if you want boundaries or not. Boundaries, to them, are selfish and mean you "hate" them and don't care about them.. Someone please tell me how to balance it all and still have my OWN life, without feeling so horribly hateful and guilty.
I am very thankful to still have my Mom and Dad.
I'm honestly trying.
I paint her nails and spend time with her, hugging her or just holding her hand when I can.
I am the only one who cleans the house, the bathrooms, the laundry, deep cleans, does the yard work etc. My brother refuses to do any of that and that's fine.
But my point is, I do alot. I just don't get any "credit" for doing "my part", because my brother thinks feeding my Mom is "exhausting." He resents "having" to cook supper for her, but he doesn't even do it most of the time.
Dad does.
So I don't know. I just needed to vent.
Thank you for allowing me to get that all out.
May God be with all of you and help you on YOUR journey through this as well.

psg712

Random thoughts:

You are NOT selfish. You are doing all of the cleaning and yard work, spending time with your mom, working to support yourself and kids (with a long commute), raising kids as a single parent, trying to balance and smooth the way for all of the relationships in the family. And probably more stuff you did not mention.

Yes, it is depressing to watch a loved parent descend into dementia. And it is tedious to do the same things over and over for them. We do these things for our children, expecting them to learn eventually to do these for themselves (feeding, tolieting, bathing, dressing ...). For parents with dementia, the needs and responsibilities grow, and they lose abilities rather than learning. Perhaps your brother is struggling with this too, and that is why he is asking (demanding) help with feeding your mom?

You said the key words: Boundaries and balance. So hard to achieve. If you don't get home from work until near your mom's bedtime, is it realistic to take on her feeding? If you do feel you can do what your brother is asking, what is he willing to take off your plate in return?

One idea would be to list out all that has to be done in the household, including all aspects of your mom's care. Sit down with dad and brother and take a hard look at the list. You and brother can get together on this and try to help your dad understand that you both have jobs which take time and energy. And you have children who need you.

Dad has the lions share of mom's care. Her needs will only increase. I don't know why you and brother are living with him, but it is not reasonable for dad to expect that to go on forever. And most families providing dementia care at home WILL eventually need outside help of some kind. Can you and brother help dad understand that the three of you can't do this indefinitely?

An unpleasant thought: at some point, Dad will not be able to do everything he now does for mom. What happens if dad is sidelined by a fall or an illness? Can you or brother take on mom's 24/7 care (and maybe care for dad too)? You need a backup plan in case any of you is out of commission for a length of time. If dad passes before mom, what will you and brother do about her care?

It's a lot to think about. Others will have more wisdom than I do. You are working very hard not to rock the family boat. I hope you can work together with all to find solutions that ease the strain on everyone.

sandwichone123

Welcome. I'm sorry to hear of these frustrations, but completely not surprised. You are talking about three people trying to do the following: maintain a household, raise children, work two full-time jobs, have a long commute, and care for a person with dementia who is at the stage of hand feeding.

The sooner everyone realizes that these are not reasonable expectations and other support is required, the more chance you have to salvage the relationships. Otherwise you are at risk of the kids feeling unsupported, dad feeling angry, and brother feeling resentful to the extent that damages relationships.

I am concerned for the children, as I always am when there is a person with dementia living in a household with children. Please do remember that they, not your mother or brother, are your primary responsibility—not just making sure they get fed, but making sure they feel cherished and protected. Dementia can be very hard on children, especially if they do not feel supported or valued (like the elderly person gets all of the attention) and there is anger and blame in the household. Even though your older two are not children, they still deserve the best of you.

Quilting brings calm

It sounds to me as if your brother is not interested in being involved in your mom’s care. He possibly thinks that as a female, it should be your job. However it doesn’t sound as if he is doing what some men consider to be their job- like yard work etc.

Beyond that, it’s physically impossible for you to be two places at once. You work an hour away and you need this job both for today’s expenses and your future financial stability. Therefore you cannot be home for supper etc.

You also have responsibilities to your children - which your brother and dad do not. Since they don’t have those responsibilities, the majority of your mom’s care falls to them. So they either have to do it or hire someone to give them breaks

You and your brother need to get a Plan B and C in place: what to do when dad can no longer physically care your mom- that’s coming soon. Say that same sentence replacing physically with emotionally and again with mentally. Also: What are you going to do if dad starts needing care for his own issues in addition to him not being able to care for her.

M5M

There is good advice above. I would add perhaps you could involve a neutral person to mediate all this discussion and help everyone feel valued. Are you close enough to an Alz Association office that might have an available social worker?

Consider your insurance coverage, do any of you three have coverage for counseling? Use that. A church pastor? Local mental health office? Many attorneys know of resources….a certified mediator is used in legal cases, they can be impartial and skillful.

Best wishes!

Firefly4777

Wow! Thank you all SO much for the great advice!
I really appreciate you all taking time to offer suggestions, thoughts and support.
I will certainly look into each of these things and I really do appreciate it.

Much love to you all as well!