lying

Mac10 · February 7

Hello, I am torn about constantly lying to my mom, she has dementia, is hard of hearing and has severe vision issues, We recently moved her into an assisted living facility after my dad passed away. She is constantly calling us in tears because she wants to move out and find her "own little place" where she can cook her own food maybe "get a job". Unfortunately my mom has been incapable of cooking her own food for well over 2 yrs. We will lie and agree with her that she is capable of taking care of herself with little help but we will also tell her we are all looking for a new place for her to live. We hoped she would eventually let it go but that is not happening. When a meal is bad at the home seems to be a trigger and she will call in a very agitated state and tell us she is willing to wait but she needs to move, she knows she needed this place after her stroke but she is now better and can take care of herself. Yesterday she started packing her things. When do you go past therapeutic lying to giving false hope and cause more harm than good. I realize she is wanting her home with my dad and their routine but are we causing more harm by promising something that will not happen?

Simi Soni · February 7

Can’t she be kept in more homely surroundings like stay with own kids who can support and comfort her

Quilting brings calm · February 7

You are doing this for her. Stop telling her she’s capable with a little help. Start telling her that the doctor says it’s not time for her to move home yet. Make him the bad guy . Stop telling her you are looking for a new place. Repeat the mantra -the doctor says you are not ready yet. Don’t deviate from that. Then redirect the topic

Buy her treats and sandwiches to have in her room for days she doesn’t like the food. Don’t bring her a lot at once, but make sure there’s stuff there.

Please do not let people tell you that you need to bring her home. If that’s not what is best for her situation, AND yours, then don’t bring her home.

Phoenix1966 · February 7

@Quilting brings calm gave a very good suggestion. Not only should the doctor be the bad guy, but the doctor will determine how much time it will take to "improve" and they say she's not there yet.

You are doing this for her and not to her. Her safety trumps all else, including "happiness". Many people with dementia are never happy when talking to their loved ones, but are usually content in their new surroundings nonetheless.

--Rebecca-- · February 8

I agree with the comments that the doctor should be the bad guy. If you sense the false hope is causing harm, go ahead and lay down that she needs to stay at assisted living.

Maybe go try the food. If the food is fine, you will know her objections don't require action on your part. If it's bad, try another facility. Eat their food before exploring a change.

I'm making lots of assumptions. I don't know what choices you have in your area. If you find a place where she is more satisfied, she may be able to stay in AL longer, before transitioning to MC. But if she is packing up and raging, she may be asked to leave.

If she stays in place, have a plan B meal on hand. My dad kept pb&j supplies around. Send her food, from time to time, so she has relief from the cafeteria. I sent my parents donuts, pizza hut, sandwiches.

This is hard. Hugs to you. Keep trying!

dancsfo · February 8

You're being compassionate, but you may need to realize that the food isn't necessarily bad and save yourself the worry. It all depends on the stage of dementia.

Certainly, you can try the food for yourself, but in my case, a PWD doesn't even know what she is eating - is it pork, beef?, fish? Is it actually a potato? Can't tell the difference and it all tastes bad. There's no memory of what was eaten before, so even a repeat serving is "new". What was tasty before doesn't taste good today. There's no pattern.

A broken brain may mean that there is no longer a way to discern the taste of food properly. Thus, even a great dish from a great chef won't satisfy. Having said that, I doubt a cafeteria at AL is good to start with.

Sorry for be blunt but the trigger may not really be the food, but dissatisfaction from being at AL but she needs to be told that she ought to stay there (and later it may be memory care), and as written earlier you can blame the doctor, but she may forget what the doctor ordered, so you may get a repeat loop of moving to a "little place". So perhaps try to reduce the agitation instead to address the loop. Therapeutic lying will no help if there's no memory of the lie and the "hope" it provided.

The snack food idea written by others may be a compromise to avoid the agitation, although it isn't necessarily healthy food, but a healthy diet probably isn't the highest priority.

Another idea is to to bring condiments which can used. Perhaps the taste buds are not sensitive anymore, so everything tastes bland. It's hard to tell though, although you can try some tests if she can appreciate, say, chili sauce, or something sweet (some PWD like sweet items more). Maybe she can "pretend" cook with the snack foods that are assembled - like peanut butter, jelly and bread or crackers, or playing with applying the condiments can be a substitute for "cooking her own food" with the cafeteria food. Try small bottles, packets or shakers of condiments so that she doesn't mess with the dishes of her dining companions in an attempt to "improve" their food, but actually ruining it for them,

Finally, a doctor may provide medication that may help, but perhaps you are already using them?

Keep trying different things, and also take care of yourself first.

H1235 · February 8

I agree with the others to just tell her the doctor says she needs to stay. Unfortunately that may not be the end of it. My mom tells me the doctor doesn’t know what she is talking about. Asks me repeatedly to explain why the doctor thinks she can’t just live in her own house. Somehow it is still all my fault since I am the one that put her there (I have DPOA). This has also caused problems because she wants to go back to her house and sort through all her things and decide where they will go. She doesn’t want me to touch her stuff. She has no ability to distinguish trash from treasure and is a hoarder, so we don’t bring her to her house. I sometimes feel like the whole thing is just a no win situation. My moms AL food is ok but not great, but mom complains constantly. Since dementia she is very very picky about her food. I think it would be very difficult to satisfy her. We also send in snacks and that helps. Medication may help. For my mom there is just a constant under current of disgust rather than anger since being on the medication. I guess you take what you can get.

MN Chickadee · February 8

You would probably find she is not happy in the setting she is begging for either. There comes a time when happiness can be very elusive in dementia. They are often looking for a time and place that no longer exists. My opinion is the best response is whatever brings comfort. If it gives false hope, so be it. They live in the moment, the loop is short, and being content in the moment is pretty much all they have. Validating her fears, saying you are there for her, you love her and finding whatever little fib settles her down is all you can do. Use the doctor excuse. Kick the can down the road. In the transition to a facility we are often waiting for them to forget they want to leave. It's a weird time. With time my mother started to forget that she wanted to leave and forget the world that existed before this place. Soon it was just her home and her current reality. This is a sad process to watch but it is what it is. She also packed her things up constantly. Some people do that for months. Once mom settled in, the support and structure of memory care was very good for her and she truly lived her best life she could there, but it takes time. The adjustment is a process.

SusanB-dil · February 8

@Simi Soni hi and welcome. There are a lot of times that keeping a LO 'at home' or 'with a relative' is just no longer feasible. Sometimes the most loving thing we can do is to place them, both for their welfare and caregiver peace-of-mind. This is NOT abandonment, as you are still there for them and being their advocate.

@Mac10 welcome to 'here', but sorry for the reason. Agree... make the doc the 'bad guy'. 'Doc says can't go, yet' whatever works. Some have said there is some issue with the house... Doc says can't go home as yet, and there is 'watermain break at the road - needs to be fixed' 'electricity is out on that street'. Again, whatever works.

moorefay · February 8

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/235884#Comment_235884

well said I would agree most times tinge person with dementia doesn’t distinguish between beef or chicken, and I have found with my loved one with Alzheimer’s that her sweet tooth is enhanced dramatically,and I understand that taste sensation is the last to go. I have found that (although it is not the best choice) giving her ice cream or something sweet has actually helped in calming her down and as satisfied her . Maybe try bringing her a sweet treat ???

SusanB-dil · February 8

@moorefay that is correct. A PWD craves sweets. MIL is pre-diabetic, so we really monitor that. The sugar-free cookies have worked wonders, although we limit them to about 4 a day or she would eat the whole pack, and that isn't good for anyone, either. Also agree about the chicken vs beef. I don't think she's been able to tell the difference in quite a while.

SDianeL · February 9

as others have said wanting to go home is a feeling not a place. Many who live in their own homes keep repeating they want to go home but don’t know where that is. It’s caused by anxiety due to the disease. Medication may help. Talk to her doctor. Ditto on blaming it on the doctor. My husband asked every time I visited and I repeated the same answer and then changed the subject or offered a treat. They kept sugar free ice cream for him. Also when you visit and leave don’t say goodbye. That was a trigger for my husband. Just leave. Another thing to consider is don’t answer the phone. Let the calls go to voicemail. Let the facility know and they will call if there is an emergency. Or maybe it’s time to disable her phone. Other caregivers have had to do that. Ask the staff how she is during the day. Does she participate in activities? Speak to the dietician about her diet. Have lunch with her and eat the food to see how it tastes. They may have her on a bland diet due to a medical reason. My feeling is if she has a progressive disease like dementia why be so strict with her diet? For diabetics it’s not sugar that’s the problem it’s carbs.

harshedbuzz · February 10

ttt

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