My father doesn't think he has a problem

aapeach 30

My father has been dealing with sun downers about 5 years and now he is on the onset
of ALZ . He doesn't think he has a problem at all . My parents have taken in my brothers kids due to my brother lost them because of drinking and drugs . But he has been so irratbel and he is being so mean and it doesn't seem he cares if he is saying mean things or done mean things to people and I am not sure what do how to help my mother who is having to deal with it more

SusanB-dil

Hi aapeach - your father has anosognosia. This is not denial, but rather it is their perception that nothing is wrong. Please let his doc know about the agitation. That really needs to be dialed back, especially around any children.

So sorry you and your family are dealing with 'this'. It bites!

sandwichone123

Hi aapeach, this sounds like a rough situation. Is there anyone else that can take in the kids? Growing up with Alzheimer's is pretty rough, and it's common for the person with dementia to start taking out their frustrations on one or more of the kids. The kids feel like they don't have a safe place at home, and they're afraid to have their friends over.

Your mom might need to consult an elder law attorney to discuss options. She will need some paperwork drawn up so she has the legal authority to make decisions, and she will need to understand the financial situation in case your dad needs to go into a residential setting at some point.

Lawyers are expensive, but cheaper than getting some of this stuff wrong, and many counties have an agency on aging that can provide legal assistance at a discount.

AmelieW

I'm so sorry that your family is going through such a difficult situation. The fact that he doesn’t recognize his condition is an additional challenge. This is a syndrome called anosognosia.

For your mother, it could be helpful for her to have some moments of respite, even short ones, to take a break. Is there anyone who could help her from time to time, even just to take care of the children for a while?

For your father, it might be useful to observe if certain moments or situations trigger his irritability more than others. Sometimes, small adjustments in routine or environment can help calm things down a bit.

It could also be beneficial for you to take a caregiver training course to better understand what’s going on in your father’s mind and to learn some tips and tricks for daily life (having a routine, avoiding contradiction, etc.). Unfortunately, these strategies might be difficult for the children to understand. How old are they?

harshedbuzz

@aapeach 30

OMG. This is a nightmare all around.

Having had a parent whose presentation of dementia included anosognosia and difficult behaviors as well as parents who were guardians of minor grandchildren as the result of addiction/eventual death I have some very strong feelings about this.

Unless these are older teenagers with robust mental health, one-foot-out-the-door and busy lives that allow them to basically just sleep at home, this is not sustainable.

Some thoughts—

I suspect your dad is further along than "now on the onset" of Alzheimer's. Sundowning is a Stage 3/Middle Stage behavior. His care needs will be increasing as he progresses into later stages.

DBAT.pdf

Is your mom up to the task of 24/7 dementia caregiving and raising children? How old is she and how is her health? How many kids are we talking and how old are they? Do any of the children present with health or educational issues that require a higher level of attention that typically developing kids?

It sounds like your dad is abusive as a result of his condition. If this continues, it risks involvement from CPS if it is reported by a child, teacher or someone else. Your dad's condition might prevent prosecution for abuse, but if the kids aren't safe, they may be removed to foster care.

Do you parents have legal guardianship or is this a more informal arrangement? Are there other adults who could take the children— the mother, her parents, adult siblings of the parents?

There are meds that could improve dad's behaviors to a degree, but it might not be possible for mom to continue to manage the competing roles or parenting and caregiving. She may have to pick a lane if no one else can or will step up for the children. In that situation, were it me given my lived experience (though not simultaneously) with both situations, I'd focus on the kids. There is a future for the children and, at the end-of-the-day dementia comes to the same end no matter the sacrifice of their LOs.

HB

H1235

I often try this when making tough decisions for my mom. If you could go back in time 10 year and explain this situation to your dad what would his advice be? I believe most grandparents would say grandkids come first. He might also be very concerned about the mental wellbeing of your mother. If there is no other option for the kids I think it’s time to consider AL for your dad. This is expensive! Your mom will not only be supporting herself but grandchildren. It would probably be a good for your mom to see a lawyer (along with you to support her). You might also contact to county commission on aging for advice.