DH in nursing facility

Maggie M

I haven't posted for awhile. A lot has happened.

My DH is in a nursing facility due to falls at home. After being in the hospital for two days I received a call from his Dr stating he needed 24/7 care which I was unable to do. The decision was made for me that he needed to go to a nursing facility.

He has been there 2 weeks. The facility is 20 minutes away so I can visit frequently. He is adjusting well. Me not so much. I am having such sadness and guilt that I put him away. And why couldn't I take care of him at home? I feel like I have given up on him. Anyone else have these feelings? I see a therapist and go to a support group and I am trying to figure how to not be so unhappy all the time. I am always crying. I walk around the house and realize he is never coming home. I am soo lonely. I Even though I can see him anytime, it's not the same. We have been married for 52 years. It is killing me.

midge333

I am sorry that your DH has declined. I placed my DW in memory care in December and I have felt all the things you are feeling. We have been married for 45 years. I reach over to touch her in the middle of night and she is not there. Today she told me that she feels like she did something wrong in order to get placed. It was such a kick in the gut. I don't want her to feel like she did something wrong. It is the damn disease. I reassure her but I know she will have forgotten 15 minutes later. Dementia is so cruel.

Jazzma

Maggie M I am so very sorry. I placed my DH a year ago and I have never gone through such agony. There is no way to describe it. There will be better days, but the sorrow is always there. My only advice is don't be afraid to cry in front of others, and accept all the support that's offered. I found much more than I expected. Sending you tight hugs and warm thoughts.

terei

changing your frame of mind may help. You did not ‘put him away’…you did something FOR him…allowed him to have 24/7 care which CANNOT be provided by one person who intends to remain healthy themselves. You cannot control how a PWD feels about what is happening to them. Looking at the positives in the circumstances instead of the negatives sometimes takes some time to digest + come to terms with.

Biggles

You have had to do what I dread most of all. It’s so sad just to think that’s what I might have to do, I really feel like I would crumble too. We have been married 54 years he is the love of my life, we have done everything together had our own business, sailed and flown our own planes and now all that’s over but we still have each other plus about stage 5 or 6 dementia and I can’t bare the thought of loosing him. Never give up be strong for him and your life together. My thoughts are so much with you.

Aarron

I placed my husband a month ago. I feel everything you’ve been through. I’ve taken care of him for 7 years and he’s only 66. We’re celebrating our 46th wedding anniversary this week. The one thing I do know is he wouldn’t want me to keep caring for him the way he is now. Thank god he doesn’t know where he is and is still happy to see me. I miss him terribly every single day. One day we’ll be together again. May they find a cure soon 🙏

SDianeL

I know how you feel. I had to place my husband in MC last December due to my cancer diagnosis. It’s the hardest thing I have ever done. I felt like I failed him. With the help and support of my family and this group I realized I didn’t. The disease was the cause. This group helped me realize I was still his primary caregiver just in a different way. I made sure he was well cared for. Try to do something you enjoy each day. I make a list of things and try to stay busy. I know my husband wouldn’t want me to be sad. Praying for your strength. 🙏 Love and hugs. 💜

White Crane

Dear Maggie M, My husband has been in MC for a little over a year. He was placed under very similar circumstances as your husband. He was in the hospital and very weak. The doctor called and told me I could no longer take care of him at home. The day he went to MC was one of the hardest and saddest days of my life. It sucked the air out of me and it felt like I couldn't breath. The emotional pain was so bad it was almost physical. Just thinking that we would never sleep in the same bed again broke my heart. It has taken a long time to start feeling anywhere near normal again. I visit him three times a week. I am his advocate and make sure he is well taken care of. He still knows me and we still hug and sometimes kiss but it is still hard to leave him. We have been married for 57 years and he is the love of my life. My heart goes out to you as you go through this. I understand your pain. It has helped me to come to this forum and to reach out to close friends and family. Go bless you as you go forward. Please let us know how you are doing. Sending hugs.

Brenda

Maggie M

I thank you all for your responses. I know it's only been two weeks and I pray sometime down the road I feel better about him being there but right now, my heart is broken in two.

Reading your posts, makes me realize that I am not alone with these feelings. You are in the trench with me, you totally 100% get it. I thank each and every one of you for taking the time to make me feel not so alone. I have added you all to "my village"..

B2ingua

I think my time is coming Jane is in year 10. Did any of you who have placed your LO in MC have any luck with counseling ? Where did you find the counselors?