This is TBE checking in from Stage 8

toolbeltexpert

It's been a long time since I have posted on here.

It's 15 months since dw passed, but never forgotten. Today I walked by a craft section and she was there, grief, just not as bad.

So I would like to recap for some who may not have ever read any of my posts.

Dw had alzthiemers for 15 yrs the first 9 were not very bad. For 4 years I took early retirement at 61. 1 year with no income, I am glad I did though.

Dw was in a memory care facility for 18 months before she had passed.

Now please save any criticism for this part of my journey. If you want to read my posts from that time they are still there.

I had been dating online and happened to meet a lady 1100 miles away.

We had video chatted and I went and met her about 1 month before Dw passed away.

We had written each other on the day Dw passed away, expressing to each other that this relationship was not going to be reality given my circumstances. A reality I had become familiar with time and again

That was the night Dw passed.

Well after that I decided to continue to pursue this relationship, which is why I now live one floor above her.

In total since March of 22 I have sold 2 houses and moved a total of 4 times.

The new house I had bought to be near the memory care just sold in October of 2024.

I am tired of moving. Life is just really beginning to form again. I started a new hobby, pickleball which I enjoy especially meeting new people.

I volunteered last year as an ambassador welcoming people at the Nubble Lighthouse. I greeted thousands of people and took 100's of pictures.

My other volunteer choice is at a food ministry, where I pick up from a restaurant 1 day a week and most weeks, I help to prepare meals.

I have been able with my new girlfriend to enjoy going out for meals, and enjoy dancing to the oldies. we even did some class 4 whitewater rafting. Mind you she is 11 years my senior.

One thing we did have in common is that her husband had died 7 years ago from dementia as well.

Marriage does not appear to be in the cards.

Having said all of this, because it all sounds so good right! But truth be told there has been so much anxiety up until the 2nd house sold, as I was paying the bills for that house while paying rent for a 1 bedroom apt in a place in maine that has a very high cost of living. I had contemplated moving back to Tennessee, I also had a few health related issues, which I thought were caused by my thyroid. Hot flashes all the time. I still am experiencing them not as bad though.

I had all the blood work done and it turns out I am perfectly healthy. 18 vials of blood and not 1 bad result.

Crazy.

So I'll cut this short and leave and maybe share a little advice from my experiences.

1. live life as best as you can. Have I made some mistakes, probably more than I care to admit. Some were costly ones. First time I ever lost money on a house sale. I only owned the last house 1 1/2 years. Added 20 k in new buildings and tons of sweat equity. Lost all of that.
2. Plan plan plan. I had planned like Dw was gonna outlive me. I made a financial plan from the sale of our first house for her care as well as mine. Hers more than mine of course. I had all of the arrangements and both funerals paid for and the stone set. I had a dpoa that would have allowed Dw sister to do anything I could do if I died, all accounts and online passwords, you name it I had plan abc. The one plan I didn't have was a short end plan. Not that any of us can prepare for a heart attack at 10pm on a Wednesday night..

Hindsight, I probably could have kept our farm had I known this, but I didn't. Tough decisions for 1 caregiver to have to do all alone.

Tough having to move 2 times, once to storage because I couldn't buy till I sold.

Tough decisions on what to get rid of, or give away after 30 years of living in our dream home.

Tough decisions to realize my wife wasn't in a coma and might wake up some day, she was gone long before she passed away.

Tough decision to move ahead with life and try to meet someone to do life with, because Dw and I had those discussions about, what if something happens to me? Never realizing it's one thing to say and really another thing to apply by really moving on. Never ever thinking that would happen, but it did. Alzthiemers did!

Last advice,Only you know your Tough decisions,selling your home to pay for care? Feeling alone? Ect.

I prayed alot and had family that was 1100 miles away. Find someone, maybe someone on here to bounce all you tough decisions off. Do not try to do it alone, you do not have too. All of my tough decisions I discussed with my family and folks on here. And I accomlished an amazing amount of things because of good advice. Wishing you all peace for the journey. Stewart

Jgirl57

Good to hear from you TBE. Your update was heartwarming to read . (((Hugs))) as your journey along stage 8 continues.

SDianeL

thanks for checking in. I am now in Stage 8. My soulmate Lonny passed in August. He went downhill quickly before he passed. I had to place him in memory care last December due to my cancer diagnosis. Thanks for the advice. The people on this forum helped me so much as I had to make decisions. I have a loving family but they don’t really understand. Moving on is easier said than done. I can’t seem to even want to. Everything reminds me of him. Trying to stay busy but am lonely. Thanks for the tips on volunteering. Glad you are living your life as full as you can and that you have someone special to share it with. I know that my husband would not want me to be sad and would want me to enjoy the rest of my life. I’m trying but not there yet. Take care, keep in touch.

Sunnyside42

Thank you for sharing your story. My husband is 87 and other than Alzheimer’s is in somewhat good physical condition. We are in year 4 of this journey. It is good to read about others’ experiences. Seems all are different and yet the same. You mentioned Nubble Lighthouse. Where is that? I thought there was one in York Beach Maine.

trottingalong

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/72264/this-is-tbe-checking-in-from-stage-8

I loved your story. More proof we all have to make decisions that help us survive. I’m glad you found a friend to enjoy some of life’s pleasures with. Life is too short and people shouldn’t judge. We do the best we can. I believe we all have regrets and worries that we navigate almost daily.

Carl46

Good to hear from you, Stewart. I remember when you were on the board a lot, and am glad things are working out for you.

Joe C.

Steward, GREAT to hear from you. When you get down in my area again reach out and we can meet up at Woods. Glad to hear you found someone.

toolbeltexpert

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/236178#Comment_236178

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/236178#Comment_236178

Yes it is in york. I live 15 minutes from it.

HollyBerry

It good to hear from you and it's wonderful to hear that you've found someone who makes you happy! Thanks for checking in and reminding us that life does go on!

toolbeltexpert

Sdaniel so sorry for your loss and your cancer diagnosis.

If there is just one thing I can say that is the worst, it is feeling lonely. I still at times feel alone especially at meals or at sleep. God did not want us to be alone. My friend has learned to be alone, I have not and do not want to be.

Bailey's Mom

TBE, Thanks for your post. I just signed new DPOA's and will yesterday at atty's office, so it is timely. Like you did, I have planned everything for my dying before HWD and spend my life focusing on my death instead of living. I'm glad that you have someone to share life with…good for you. Sorry that you had to sell your farm though and spent so much time and energy moving and moving…that is exhausting.

Anyway…good luck to you…sounds like there is some joy ahead!

toolbeltexpert

toolbeltexpert

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/236185#Comment_236185

It's good to hear from you Joe, I have taken my girlfriend there. She loves seafood but fried isn't so kind to her. We did a whale watch last April and spent the night at long sands. Such a nice area. Florida in March is where we will be for the month. I think I still have your number. I still remember you in my prayers at times and so many others as well. Peace

toolbeltexpert

Bailey's mom. Glad your found this wonderful place sorry for the reason.

I did work at taking care of me little by little. I had too. I had lost 40lbs right after I placed Dw. The first time I took to visit my family, because Dw was in a safe place, stopped my weight loss.

Caregivers have, have to care for themselves. That had to have a plan as well. Tough decisions that I talked about with all my family including Dw's and my church family all knew of my plans to find someone.

Scooterr

Hey old friend it's been a long time since I've heard from you. I was just wondering the other day, "what ever happen to toolbelt?" It's good to know your still out there finding your way through life. I'm hardly on the forum anymore and it was by luck I found your post today, Sue takes up a lot of my time anymore. DW bounces from stage 6 into 7 back into 6 sometimes, I'm pretty sure now she's more into 7, but anyway we're making it. Hey it was good hearing from you. I don't know if you still have my # I lost yours a long time ago when I switched phones. Take care my friend.

toolbeltexpert

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/236200#Comment_236200

Wow it's so good to hear from you. Glad to hear your still able to keep Sue. I am not sure if I still have your number either. Several phones later.

Jazzma

Thank you for your generosity in sharing your story. Your core message — planning for your death can steal the ability to live life now. It's necessary, but it's also important to be open to living. Hard decisions to make, and we all make mistakes. I'm glad that you have found a companion and that you are living.

Russinator

Good to hear from you. Your update was heartwarming. ((HUGS))

Dio

TBE, so good to hear from you! And even more better that you are LIVING—kudos! I can't be happier to hear this. Thank you for sharing your story. Your words of wisdom will be so valuable to the newbies here. I hope one day I can join you in starting and finding my new life. But for now, I'm still deep in the trenches with no end in sight. So be it. Make the best of the situation and just one day at a time. It's tax time, and silly me just had an anxiety attack, seeing in black and white the harsh reality of the care expenses in 2024. With no end in sight, this is quite daunting. With no crystal ball, can only plan for the worst case scenario. I still have much to do to prepare. Thanks for the reminders. In any case, please drop in to update us every now and then.