Feeling stuck - Drugs, gambling, elder financial abuse, mental health??

loyaldaughter

Hi, this is my 1st post:

My MIL was living w/her grandson, who stole $15K+ from her. Spent it on drugs & gambling. She was living on her own before he convinced her to move hundreds of miles from her home to live w/him & his husband for 3 yrs.

The two had a domestic dispute this past Oct, the grandson got into a fight w/the police, & he was arrested. He got my MIL to post his bond. His husband took her to an ATM to get the money

Her sons rescued her. The original idea was to have her alternate time between her 3 sons. She went to one son’s house for 6 wks. During that time, that son sent some of her $$$ to the grandson for “gas” after MIL begged him. He said he couldn’t stand her complaining.

After staying w/that son for 6 wks, my MIL came to us. She's been w/us for 3 months. She also begged us to send $$$ to the grandson for “gas” (beyond what anyone would need for gas).

We did not send money to him. Instead, my husband sent the grandson a cease & desist letter. The FBI opened an investigation (the agent told us that it, sadly, it would be lower on the priority list since they are working on lots of cases involving $250K & more.)

Grandson got a huge settlement from his soon-to-be ex a few weeks ago ($35,000 because his husband wanted him out of his life asap over infidelity, lies, gambling, drugs). Grandson went silent & didn’t call my MIL at all for a while (causing much upset for her).

Then he called to let her know he moved out west , near the border w/Mexico. When he started calling my MIL 3x/day calls last week, every time from Mexico, I anticipated he would start asking for money again. He did. He called one of the brothers asking for $350. He said the border patrol took all of his cash & he needed money to get it back (????) When the brother didn’t call him back, he called my MIL. He said his car broke down in Mexico & needed to be repaired (#2 story).

He wanted her cc # because he needed $400 (new amt). He needed the money at 10pm to get his car fixed. Even she asked him why couldn’t he wait until the morning since no mechanic would be open. He said the border patrol would repair it. (Really??) She had a very hard time couldn't read the #. He then called her the next morning to tell her he needed $700 (#3 story). She managed to read the numbers on her credit card correctly. He tried every which way to get that money, but we managed to block him from using the card before it could go thru. He was trying to transfer money through Venmo & crypto apps I’d never heard of before.

After that, he called her & told her his car was stolen. She went into a tailspin. Not only was she yelling at me, she was ranting by herself. I feel like she has had undiagnosed mental health for years.

This has been highly stressful for her (and us).

She rants & raves & blames all of her sons for what is going on even if it is her grandson who is lying & being harmful to her. We recently found out that he has been arrested numerous times on a variety of charges.

I know she has cognitive issues. Looping convos, creating new stories & mixing up stories, constanting rummaging through her items, moving items around, losing items & claiming she never had them. However, when we took her to the doctor, MIL said she couldn’t read the paper with the clock test, so the doctor told her to get an eye exam & come back in APRIL for the test. I think she couldn’t discern what was on the paper rather than not being able to read it. I understand that we need to rule a vision issue out. Everything takes so long, though!

We can’t afford to put her into an AL here. She gets SSA/SSI, but has no savings. She has memorabilia, clothes, household items, jewelry, & a few pieces of furniture. Her grandson threw out lots of her items when he moved her out of the house she was renting.

We managed to get Medicaid for her here (after @20 hours on hold over a couple of weeks. What a nightmare.) We’ve called & gotten her on a list for the Medicaid waiver to help pay for staying at a small AL , but it can take up to 2 to 5 years for her name to reach the top of the list for consideration! They have another subsidy program where the state provides $1,000 towards care, but that is a drop in the bucket.

I called a senior day program, and they are costly as well. If we did once a week, her SSA/SSI could cover it, but I don't think she'd attend the program. I’ve tried to get her to go to some activities at a senior center, but she doesn’t want to go. I tried getting her to go to some fun activities at the local community center. No go. I think we'll sign up for a tour of the day center to see what she thinks. She often says she'd rather live in a homeless shelter or on the street than to be with us. Sometimes, she says she wants to be in a "old person home."

Is there any type of crisis intervention that could help us? Who should I see? Should I ask the doctor for a referral to a neurologist? I’m desperate. My husband and I are walking on eggshells, we still have jobs (I’m currently working from home), and it is affecting our work. We both feel our health deteriorating fast (odd fact: my neck starting itching & I've developing lots of little skin tags. Apparently, stress can cause skin tags to grow!)

We’re not spring chickens ourselves! (65 yo). I often cry myself to sleep but usually I just feel stressed & anxious. I try meditating. My husband and I are each other’s sounding boards. I have friends & family I talk with, but the daily vitriol takes its toll anyway. It's just so viscious.

Mild example of what she says. This one to my husband:

"I KNOW who you are, I KNOW who you are. You are a stinkin’ PIG. I HATE you!! You NEVER did anything for me. My grandson is the only one who ever did anything for me. He is the ONLY one. My sons never did ANYTHING for me. All those sons – those ***HOLES – didn’t do ANYTHING. They only want to blame my grandson. G**d***.Why the H**l did I come here! I only did it because my grandson told me. I didn’t want to burden HIM! I didn’t want to come here because I KNOW who YOU are! You are the ONE who did all this to me."

She mostly yells at him, but I haven’t escaped her wrath. She was dressing me down while I was driving her home from the grocery store. If I said "I understand," or "mm-hmm," she would mockingly say in a high-pitched voice, "I understand" or "uh huh, uh huh uh huh uh huh!" So then I would be quiet, & she told me I was stuck up, a goody two shoes & she felt uncomfortable. I couldn't win. I just had to keep calm & repeat in my head the mantra, “it’s a brain disease, it’s a brain disease.”

Mind you, we paid her rent for over 10 years. We're delaying retirement because this reduced our income significantly. I had reservations, but my husband pled with me to do it so his mom wouldn't need to be on the street. With our current situation, her grandson's husband was not going to let her stay with him, so something had to be done. It landed on us, & I feel stuck.

This was actually the short version of this twisted tale.
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I feel bad about this. I do my best to treat my MIL well. I remain calm outwardly, but I can feel my heart racing. I use diversion techniques. I spend lots of time in conversation w/ her about her youth, which I enjoy. I make her favorite foods.

After being attacked more often verbally, I think I'm starting to feel a little numb to it, which is better than the palpitations I was experiencing. Since my husband works outside the home, I spend long hours alone with her. I work on my laptop in a central area, so I can be available & also to be aware of what she is doing. She has broken some items, thrown some things away, flooded the toilet twice and damaged our floor, etc.

She has siblings who call her so she spends lots of time on the phone. Since they live far away, she'll often be on the phone late at night. Sometimes I think I hear her talking when she's not. Both my husband and I are on high alert.

H1235

Welcome. Does anyone have DPOA? I assume no. I would also assume she would not appoint one of her sons. With that in mind I think you will need to get guardianship. See an elder law attorney asap! Is she willing to go to a nursing home. If so (sorry) I would take her as fast as you can before she charges her mind. I think a nursing home will be covered by Medicaid. I would without question block the grandson on her phone and delete his phone number so she can’t call him. To be honest I don’t think you would be out of line to completely get rid of the phone. I would also take away her credit card ( let her think she lost these things). She may get mad and blame it on you, but it sounds like she is mad already. These things may seem harsh, but she needs to be protected from her grandson and from herself. In my opinion moving her from one house to the next every few months is going to be very confusing for her (for anyone with dementia). I would most definitely insist on a neurologist appointment. The problem is it will probably be months away. And to be honest a diagnosis is really not going to change much. Medication may help with the anger, but that can take time to figure out. You and your husband should not have to live like this! If she starts throwing things or becomes even a little physically aggressive I would call the police. Again I know this sounds extreme, but this is an extreme situation. If she is considered a harm to herself or others they will take her to the hospital. The hospital will evaluate her and can send her to a geriatric psychiatric hospital for further evaluation. So sorry you are going through this. I have attached a dementia staging tool. I know it does nothing to solve your problems, but it might be helpful to see where you think she is at. I’m sure others will chime in with advice. This is an excellent resource. I hope you can figure something out.

https://static1.squarespace.com/static/6372d16ea4e02c7ce64425b7/t/63f7b80d80d8aa3e3aa4a47d/1677178894184/DBAT.pdf

loyaldaughter

Thanks so much for the response! When she first moved in with us, my husband asked her about doing a DPOA so that he could help her set up her new address, handle any potential medical issues, get a new ID card (hers expired in 2019!), deal with getting Medicaid, etc. She agreed and they went together so she could sign it, have it witnessed, and have it notarized. It just made life easier since she was moving to a new state, and there was so much to set up. Our home was to be her new residence, with her visiting her other sons periodically. Now that she's been with us, I don't think it's a good idea for her to travel.

We did block her grandson on the phone weeks ago. We soon discovered he had set up Whats App & he was trying to contact her that way and through facebook before we found out. My husband cancelled her account and set her up on our phone plan and got her a new phone #. He gave the new number to 5 people (siblings & children) and told them NOT to give the # to her grandson. Unfortunately, someone gave the number to the grandson. Once he had it, he did not call her for a couple of weeks (not sure why), and my MIL was distraught. When he started calling back, he would only talk to her for a minute or two. Then there were the recent calls from Mexico. We're thinking that he may have already blown through the $35K he got from his ex and is needing money again. He's an addict.

Consequence: Now, whenever my MIL can't reach her grandson (because she is having trouble calling or because he's just not answering the phone), she screams that we are blocking her. She often has issues with accidentally turning the volume down on her phone, turning off the ringer, or calling someone and then accidentally hanging up on them when they answer. Of course, it's my husband's fault even if he isn't around.

When my husband cancelled her credit card to prevent the grandson from using it, he did not tell her and just let her keep the one she has.

I think the grandson caused so much distress with his arrest and subsequent calls, her agitation and confusion has gotten worse.

We also had her checked for a UTI, and she did not have one. We makes sure she drinks water and nutrition shakes. I fix food low in sodium, making the type of foods she enjoys, and the doctor took her off of her blood pressure medication because her blood pressure had decreased. We continue to monitor her blood pressure.

Thanks for the dementia staging tool. I looked at a simpler one a while back and felt she was in the moderate stage. I would say the same thing with the tool you shared (stage 4). It's interesting, though, because I'll see some, but not all, signs at the different stages. I feel like it is so individual. She presents well when she is around strangers. Her polite mode kicks in. It's like muscle memory. But she recently has struggled not speak combatively in the store if she feels agitated.

Physically, she can still walk (slightly wobbly & we don't trust her on stairs) and uses the bathroom on her own (she wears a Poise pad but sometimes has accidents). She's frail (we have scheduled a DEXA scan for later this month). She also doesn't sit still for long and walks about the house a lot. We prep the food and set out elements, and she can do things like pour the milk in the bowl, but there's many things she can't do. It's also a struggle to get her to eat enough. She LOVES sweets, though.

However, mentally is a different story. In fact, for the first time today she started hitting the side of her head when she was yelling after not being able to reach her grandson, and I distracted her by grabbing a basket of towels and giving them to her to fold (she loves folding laundry). She stopped hitting her head. She has me worried.

It was frustrating when she went to her annual exam and they couldn't administer the cognitive test because my MIL said she could not see it and everything got pushed back until she could have a medical eye exam.

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Well, she just started ranting because she can't get hold of her grandson. She left a message and complained to him for not answering. But then she started screaming at me because she says we are controlling her. She said, "No one has the right to do this to me. It's my own f**king life. I'm a free woman, man. You stupid a**! I shouldn't have let my grandson let me come to your house, but I didn't want to burden HIM!" Lately, she has been saying man a lot. I wonder if it has to do with her being in her 20's duirng the 1960's. She has the delusion she is going to live with her grandson, but even he says he only wants her to visit him OR he tells her to book a flight (knowing that she doesn't know how to do that!)

The phone is a blessing and a curse. Sometimes she is happy when talking to people, and it's a lifeline. Ever since I've known her she loves talking on the phone because her siblings lived all around the world. Her other favorite hobby was sitting around the table with a cup of coffee, a cig, and chatting. No one had been answering her calls this morning because she keeps ranting. She finally got hold of her sister and was screaming about how everyone is lying about her grandson. (She yells loud enough that I can hear her end of the convos.)

She just said that she should call the police. I just said, "okay." At this point, I'm happy to talk to them.

cdgbdr

You are in a rough spot. It sounds like she could use medication for the ranting. I also recommend looking into a guardian that is not your husband. This is horrible.

SusanB-dil

Hi loyaldaughter - welcome to 'here', but sorry for the reason.

She is blessed to have you watching over her! agree - get some medication to dial back that aggression and agitation.

My brother had set up a parent/child phone for my mother. Not sure which company he used, but certainly something to look into. It had maybe 4-5 phone numbers in it (mine, his, his wife, 2 granddaughters) and he locked it down from any calls other than those same. (she can no longer use the phone at all ~sigh~)

MIL has no idea who I am, and has absolutely screamed at me several times. Hurtful, but I know she can't help it. We had to have her niece, and that niece's daughter 'trespassed' due to theft. If either come around or contact any of us they will be hit with harassment and a restraining order. Bad enough if someone gets scammed. It is another level when it's family…

I HATE 'this'.

sandwichone123

I would block all known grandson's numbers and set her phone so she can only get calls from known numbers. Remove grandson's number from contacts list and tell her grandson is in prison and can't call.

v3

Because of her volatility I'd suggest you talk to the (no cost) social workers that the Alz makes available.

"Get Help and Support, Day or Night

The Alzheimer’s Association is here all day, every day for people facing Alzheimer’s and other dementia through our free 24/7 Helpline (800.272.3900). Talk to a dementia expert now and get confidential emotional support, local resources, crisis assistance and information in over 200 languages. It's ok if you don't know where to start. Just give us a call and we'll guide you from there."

Right now seems everyone is at risk- health stress, continued mental decay , and the grandson who is desperate .

Ask if she is taken to a hospital and your husband [next of kin] refuses to take her back as unsafe to you both if that would improve her chances of getting a medicaid bed. Is it easier near the other 2 sons? [dif states?]

If you haven't already,I'd consider having your home defenses strengthened in case the grandson comes to make an in person attempt to raise funds. A panic button or fob you carry attached to your alarm system etc .

Choose safety first.

loyaldaughter

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/236458#Comment_236458

Sorry for the late response, @v3 ; we lost power on Sunday and it wasn't back on until Monday night. This really has turned into our Winter of Discontinent! Thanks for all of your suggestions!

I had already called a Help LIne Agent at the Alzheimer's Association earlier in the month and then last week I talked to a Care Consultant. The Help Line Agent sent me some resources and was reassuring. Talking to the Care Consultant was therapeutic. There was no additional insight per se, but it was nice to talk to someone, and it helped me get some clarity on my thoughts. I'm hoping to be more involved with my MIL's doctor's appointments.

A couple of different sources I went to said that going to the hospital is one route to a Medicaid bed. The first person said that the PWD would need to be "pretty far gone" (not walking or talking) in order to do this. Another person said it's important to have a primary care physician and if you can get the PWD into a nursing home for over 30 days, then long-term care applications would be initiated. They would be in a nursing home for a few more months, then they would go to assisted living.

I know someone who works in a hospital and does case management. She says that she often sees people leaving their family member w/dementia at the hospital, and they never answer the hospital's call to come pick them up. She says it's really sad because the PWD stays in the small hospital room all by themselves, and she says they don't get much attention. In one case, she says a PWD has been in the hospital for 4 months because they can't find a placement for him.

A person at the Dept of Aging gave me a couple of mental health resources, including the Crisis Response Line. This is the next area I'm going to explore.
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The grandson. Because he called her last week and got her to read her credit card # over the phone to him, I suggested to my husband we could get local law enforcement involved. He called the local police department and they couldn't do anything since we were able to block the card and nothing happened. However, he suggested that we get a protection order against him.
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Because she has been calling and screaming at her relatives, many of them did not talk to her and that also increases the agitation.

Thanks again! I appreciate how practical everyone's responses are.

loyaldaughter

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/236422#Comment_236422

Thank you, cdgbdr

loyaldaughter

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/236428#Comment_236428

Thank you, @SusanB-dil Sorry to hear about your niece and your daughter. It is sad about family. I was lucky that my sister and I handled most things well after my final parent (my dad) passed away.

loyaldaughter

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/236450#Comment_236450

We did block him once, then changed her phone #, but one of the 5 people we gave her # to gave her phone # to her nefarious relative. The police suggested we file a protective order.