Are PWD capable of any kind of understanding of consequences?

Palmetto Peg

My DH is probably in stage 5. Recently he has been accusing me of having a boyfriend and going out on dates when I am not visiting him. He is very crude in his description of what I am doing with this boyfriend, and does not believe any of my assurances that this is not true. I can't seem to get him off the subject and he is impossible to redirect. Would he understand if I told him if he didn't stop I wasn't going to come and visit? I am pretty sure what the answer is, but I am really tired of it. I spend so much time with him, and I am always trying to make his life in MC better, but I just want it to stop. We see his doctor this week and I will definitely mention it to her, but I was just curious if he would react if I didn't come for a few days. As always, thanks so much for your input!

Carl46

If he is in MC, he probably would not remember your threat and cannot stop his accusations. Delusions are real to the deluded person, and he probably believes what he says. I suggest you visit infrequently, maybe every week or two at varied times, just to be sure he is being cared for. You don't need this.

If he were capable of rational thought, he might suspect you because you don't live together. But since he thinks he knows specifics of your alleged canoodling, he is deluded. An antipsychotic medication might help him, but I don't know. Definitely tell his doctor he has delusions.

cavenson

Delusions of infidelity are, unfortunately, fairly common and hard to deal with. We often just go along with LO's delusions, but this one is an exception. I've been listening to my DH (stage 4) accuse me of infidelity with his friends for about 7 years, and it has been very upsetting. It was a hard lesson for me to learn that I can't reason with him. I understand that he really believes this delusion. When he brings it up, I now tell him that I love him and have never been unfaithful. Then, I immediately remove myself from the conversation. I say there's a phone call I have to make or something I have to do around the house. Rather than threatening him that you won't visit if he doesn't stop, you could try assuring him and then coming up with a quick excuse to leave, even if you haven't visited for very long. The accusations of infidelity from my DH have declined from several times a week to about once a month. I'm also thinking the addition of the antidepressant Lexapro may have helped. Wishing you peace and good luck!

Quilting brings calm

I wouldn’t threaten him with not visiting … I’d just reduce my visits without discussion about it. In addition, as soon as he starts on this topic, make your excuses and leave As Soon As Practical. You can’t reason with him, but you can limit your exposure to his delusions. The staff will let you know if you are needed between visits.

harshedbuzz

@Palmetto Peg What you are proposing treads awfully close to attempting to reason with a person who has dementia.

When my dad was in this phase— all the uglier because he'd been the unfaithful partner in the marriage— we addressed it from a number of angles. Firstly, we medicated to dial back the delusions and the anxiety. An SSRI didn't cut— this needed an atypical antipsychotic.

My uncle and I could talk him down from this notion laying on the compliments of his desirability heavily with a trowel, but it only served to anger him more if mom tried.

I also found dad had enough on the ball to avoid this kind of talk if he had an audience, so I made sure to go with her on all of her early visits and kept him in the public area of the facility. This helped a lot.

That said, whenever a visit started to go south because of accusations of infidelity or maleficence of any kind, we excused ourselves and ghosted him immediately. This was kinder for my mom and better for dad as out-of-sight-out-of-mind meant he couldn't effectively ruminate on it.

I don't know if he learned not to do this as a young child might or if he just moved on with progression of the disease, but it did eventually stop.

HB

Russinator

Sadly, delusions of infidelity are fairly common.

terei

Does he talk about this when you are not there? IMO your presence is probably a trigger for this behavior + it is hurtful to you + only serves to agitate him. I would cut back on visits drastically + see if it helps to tamp down the delusion. You can easily check up on him through staff + if you are really concerned, you can go to the facility + observe what he is doing without letting him know you are there.

SDianeL

the best advice I received on this forum was that you can’t reason with someone whose “reasoner” is broken. The accusations are caused by anxiety and is very common. Ask for medications to help with the delusions. Try having someone go with you and take him to a common area which may distract him. Also try a treat. The memory care facility had ice cream handy which helped calm my DH. He didn’t accuse me but had other delusions and hallucinations.

Palmetto Peg

He does talk about it when I am not there! He tells the nurses and the aides that I am in his room with my lover. They take him there and show him that the room is empty, but he brings it up again in a short time. I have been visiting less, and we see his doctor on Thursday, so I will definitely mention it to her. He was never one to speak crudely, or curse, but this is just awful. He takes Abilify and Ativan as needed for anxiety and some aggressive behaviors, but can't take Seroquel because it has a negative effect on his heart. Hopefully it is just another bump in the long road of dementia, but it is taking a real toll on me. Thanks for the suggestions!

Russinator

((HUGS))