Car Keys

KathyBol

I have kept the car keys away from DH for several months now. Just now, he was verbally abusive and aggressive about the key fob that I had. He badgered and threatened until I gave them to him. I am so afraid he will drive off now. Though he just went to the garage and came back in. What do you do in these circumstances?

Sandy1914

Hi. I'm new here. My DH rolled our car just over a year ago. Thankfully, he was ok. Not the car though. It helped that the PCP told him "no driving" until we had answers from the Neurologist. That took nearly a year. It can be incredibly difficult at times, but staying calm is key. I remind him that driving is unsafe for him and that others could be seriously affected. I try to pick times when he seems somewhat able to reason, then I talk to him. But, not when he is angry, he won't listen to me.

Dio

One of the most difficult periods was taking away the car keys from DH. He threw tantrums, held me hostage for an hour by not closing his door with his leg outside, threathened, called me names…Still, I held my grounds. It was just too dangerous for the innocent if he can't control his reflexes. Eventually he gave up the fight and accepted no driving.

Phoenix1966

Can you get a replacement fob/key that is not programmed for your car and trick him with that? Maybe just having access to it might calm him down. Of course, if he tries to use it, he either might not mention to you it doesn’t work for fear of you telling him he doesn’t know how use it anymore or it might make him mad. It’s so hard to predict, at times, what will set someone off.

hiya

our memory care np told DH he had to take a driving test. I told him it was because he turned 70 and insurance required it…but instruction came from NP. He didn’t pass written test and questions so didn’t even get to drive. He was mad as a hatter. I eventually left lights on in his car so the battery would go flat then took the battery out the key fob. It was a long road. Over a year later he still says he needs to get his truck fixed. I say yes I’ll call tomorrow. The next day same convo and answer.
I think this is one of the hardest things. It takes away their freedom. If you can get his Dr involved and have them be the bad guy it may help. Stay strong and stay safe.

Biggles

I think driving is manhood, my DH still wants to drive, tells me how to drive, has tantrums about no freedom, can't get out of here etc. but I finally talked him into handing his driving licence in at the TRB and they replaced it with a look-a-like identification card. Funny though he still has his motorboat licence so he feels sort of vindicated maybe and if it comes up in conversation I say "yes but you still have your motorboat licence" he seems happy with that. I also got a look-a-like bunch of keys that he can carry around if he wants to, along with his wallet and some odd business cards so it doesn't matter if he loses them, however, he has almost given up being interested in them thank goodness, on to the next thing. Tiring and sad.

SDianeL

disable the car. Do whatever you have to do to get the keys away from him. And hide them from him and no matter what he says don’t give them to him. If he is agitated maybe time for medication. Talk to his doctor. If he is in an accident even if it’s not his fault, you could be sued and lose everything. I told my DH that the doctor said he couldn’t drive due to spatial problems. I also told him we could be sued. The next day he gave me his keys and never drove again. I told him I would be his chauffeur. Lightened the mood.

Carl46

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/236611#Comment_236611

It's not manhood, it's adulthood. My wife still wants to drive, even though she voluntarily gave up driving early in the disease when she was more capable of rational thought.

Anna2022

Driving! Not driving! For us it was/is a game of inches.

My DH loved to drive. He has a nice sports car that now sits in the garage with a dead battery. He hasn't driven in 2 years. Two years ago, when the battery was starting to fail from inactivity, he would make me call AAA to have them jump start the car (he had forgotten how to jump it and I wasn't offering to help, although I know how). The AAA technician would come, jump start the car and advise that the car needed to be driven in order for the battery to hold the charge. DH would then forget to drive it (thank goodness) until a few months later when we'd have to call AAA and do it all over again. At the time, DH got super angry when he couldn't drive because of the battery. I was thankful he was angry at the car, not me. This went on for about a year.

Then he couldn't figure out how to get the car inspected/re-registered and the constant repeat of questions about how to do that. Then one day, he stopped talking about it. He then forgot about it. These days, he occasionally asks where are the keys (he lost them but I found them and keep them hidden).

A year ago, his PCP suggested he not drive and that he should take a driving test. He was resistant to the test and not driving. But he forgot about both within hours of the appointment. This year when the doc asked if he was still not driving, he looked at me and asked, "am I driving?" and when I said, "no", he turned to her and said, "no, I'm not driving."

This year, I will get rid of his car.

terei

give him a fake fob or keys + keep the others out of his sight. A fob can be disabled by taking the battery out of it.

Russinator

Could take the battery out of the FOB?

Marchbanks

I have struggled so much with this. At first I just tried to reason with him, obviously to no avail. My husband is a huge music fan and was driving to local venues and drinking then driving home. He got $200 in parking tickets bec he doesn’t remember how to use parking machines. Twice he scraped our cars against the side of the house. Fast forward to today. It’s taken about a year but his sports car now has a dead battery and I removed the key fob battery for his truck. He still tries to use it but hasn’t realized there is a physical key inside. He does know that I have keys to my car and this has resulted in many, many arguments and demands that I hand them over. I hide my keys every night. The one time I forgot he found them and took off. I’m hyper vigilant now.

I found his reckless behavior so concerning I sought advice from an attorney about what would happen in a worse case scenario if he injured someone or worse in a wreck. Just for clarification, you will likely not “lose everything” in a civil suit but each state is different as to what is protected. In Texas, your house, belongings, one car and retirement accounts are protected but everything else is up for grabs. Your individual car insurance policy may or may not cover you if you have a dementia diagnosis in your medical record. Depends on the individual policy.