Transition to MC Planning

Traveler18

We have had a really tough couple of weeks leading to a MC move decision. I am looking for insights from those who have done the MC placement. I think I have a fiblet that could work for the transition - I am not well, too fatigued and I have to go in for tests and likely TCU and the medical folks arranged for him to be at this place while they figure out what is up with me. (He thinks I am all messed up anyway! LOL) Since it will be a while and the room only comes with a bed and a chair, I had some of his things moved for this time.

Questions top of mind as I start to plan the move (within the next month):

1. Good or bad idea to move some furniture/items from home?
2. I will need to take the "stay away" approach for a couple of weeks while he settles in as I am "his person" whether he likes it or not these days. Good or bad idea for other family members to visit during that time? (in-laws, kids, etc.)
3. I will know more after he is placed, but how tough to take him out/home for major family events - we have a HS senior graduating this year, not thinking about the actual graduation (he would be bored stiff) but the open house we (I now) will host? It breaks my heart that he won't be there, but also a relief as I have been stressing about how to handle him at graduation, college orientation, move to college, etc.
4. Any other key points I should be considering as I come to terms with approaching this significant event?

Thanks to everyone for the ongoing dialog and support. Many questions have already been answered through this forum!

SDianeL

I know it’s difficult but you made the right decision for both of you. Your fib might work. I used the same excuse but it wasn’t a fib. I was diagnosed with cancer. I didn’t tell him he was moving. Create another fib. The facility helped me. I had my daughter go with us and we said we were stopping for lunch where a friend of hers worked. We went at lunch time. The nurse at the facility was at a table. We sat down and then my daughter and I made excuses to leave the table. We went straight to the car and left. We didn’t say goodbye. It was so difficult but I kept telling myself that I was doing it for him, not to him. I waited almost 2 weeks before I visited. The nurse is the one who told him I had to go in the hospital for a month. He settled in well. He did ask to go home when I visited every time but I would say ok when the doctor says so. I would not take him out if I were you. Groups may be difficult for him. He may become agitated and refuse to return to the facility. Video the graduation. and have a smaller get together at the facility with him. I had my husbands clothes ready and dropped them off that evening but I didn’t go in. Take some personal things to make him feel at home. Make him a picture book with names and relationships to take the first time you visit. The 2 weeks I didn’t visit the nurse would call me and take the phone to him to talk to me. She said that helped him not worry about me. Praying for your strength and for his smooth transition into the facility.

harshedbuzz

@Traveler18

When we moved dad into a MCF, we told him it was a new doctor for him. He didn't like the neurologist and thought this "new doctor" would help him get his license back.

1. Good or bad idea to move some furniture/items from home? We told dad the new doctor ordered PT for him. We told him the MCF was a fancy rehab with all private rooms. To that end, we didn't over-personalize his room initially. We added family pictures later. One advantage was that after he passed, I was able to clean his things out in about 20 minutes. My aunt moved some of her sister's lovely Stickley pieces to her suite in MC and they were utterly trashed within weeks.
   
2. I will need to take the "stay away" approach for a couple of weeks while he settles in as I am "his person" whether he likes it or not these days. Good or bad idea for other family members to visit during that time? (in-laws, kids, etc.) I would limit his visits initially. We didn't avoid dad and those first couple of weeks were rough. He was only slightly less nasty for me compared to mom. In the early days, we kept visits short and in the public areas of the facility. Bring some sort of treat helped a lot.
   
3. I will know more after he is placed, but how tough to take him out/home for major family events - we have a HS senior graduating this year, not thinking about the actual graduation (he would be bored stiff) but the open house we (I now) will host? It breaks my heart that he won't be there, but also a relief as I have been stressing about how to handle him at graduation, college orientation, move to college, etc.
   I wouldn't bring my dad home. By the time he needed to be in MC, he really struggled with situations in which anyone other than mom was in his house or at a restaurant. He didn't like to share mom even if it was just me visiting and other folks tended to ignore him when visiting because he couldn't really engage.
   I'd have a smaller family celebration at the MCF with him and do the open house solo so you can focus on guests.
   
4. Any other key points I should be considering as I come to terms with approaching this significant event? I'd talk with the graduate about your plans ahead of time to make sure you're on the same page. They may feel differently. I have a friend who didn't feel she could include her mom at her wedding in stage 6. She went to her MCF between the wedding and reception for pictures with mom and so mom could see her in her dress. Maybe that could be a way to celebrate with your DH.
   
   HB

tryingtodurvive

tryingtodurvive

a little fib is a good way to get them in looking at this as just a temporary place to live. I took my husband at lunch time and told him he was going to stay there for a week while I traveled for work. As one other comment said plan to be there a bit and then just slip away without saying goodbye or making a big deal of it. The day I took my husband was really difficult. He was angry and then he cried and cried. He had begun to forget I was his wife at that point. I did stay away the recommended 2 weeks. It may be different in your situation but no one from the outside visited him during this time. The 2 weeks is a time to not be connected to the outside world so your loved one can begin to feel like this is their home. I went in after 2 weeks and he was so happy to see me but he was so content in his new world. All my prayers were answered. That was last August and he has never once asked to go home because that is his home. I typically visit every 2 to 3 days and he’s always do happy to see me but doesn’t really know I’m his wife he just knows I’m someone he loves. Once he’s in there you can determine whether you want to take him out. You definitely don’t want to do it at first. My husband is so content I’ve never done that. I have taken him to dinner in the other parts of the building outside the memory care unit but even that seemed overwhelming for him and he was agitated. I probably won’t do it again. It’s difficult for us to understand but a small easy to navigate life for someone with Alzheimer’s is really best for them.

Quilting brings calm

I would talk to your HS student about the graduation plans. They may want him at the party or they may want a separate get-together.

It’s also hard to say what stage your DH will be at by graduation. Get him in, get him settled. Then attempt a couple small outings closer to graduation and see how he reacts. He may become very anxious outside. His mobility may decrease so that it’s physically hard for you to take him out.

Jazzma

Leaving my husband at the MC facility is the hardest thing I've ever done. I left without telling him and immediately regretted it. Was it best for him? I don't know. He did eventually settle in though it was months before he stopped asking to come home.

You should plan for what you will do with your time now that you're not taking care of him. Arrange to see friends, take walks, go to church, anything that keeps you connected to the world you had/have. Also learn to find the freedom in living alone. It's tough at first. Accept all the help that you can.

My two bits. I never did adjust, myself, to DH being in memory care. After a year his meds were balanced to the point he could return home. He's been back two weeks and while it is not easy, I'm much happier.

Wishing you the best. Sending hugs.