Confusing Wishes

MissOldMom

Hello, new here. I've been reading comments on this forum for awhile which have been VERY helpful, and I finally decided it's time to get on here and start asking advice/thoughts and maybe share my experiences on others' posts if I can be helpful as well.

My mom is almost 84, moved in with us from her hometown of over 40 years back in April 2024, almost a year ago. To say I have had doubts about doing this is an understatement. It's me and my husband. I have 2 adult boys in college far from home. We do not have other family near us as far as my mom's side, and the few she has left are not in good health. Mom can't really travel anywhere other than church, hair or drs appts, or very nearby. She does use a walker and has for years without a dr suggesting it (something she's proud to say, and I'm proud, too, because no one had to force her to). She has had hip replacement surgery and has a MULTITUDE of health issues besides Alzheimer's. She was diagnosed in March 2024, but she'd been showing signs for over a year already at that point…I'd say she's about 3 years since it started and is inbetween Stage 4/5 if you're looking at the 7 stage model.

In the last few weeks, she has talked like she wants to go somewhere. We had offered to take her to some places within about an hour or so or even maybe 3 hours away. But she says she doesn't want to (even to see the few blood family members she has left near enough to travel to) and needs to be near a potty (major digestive issues, has had that for years, has and has had a gastro dr in the past and present…can't get a colonoscopy or her neurologist says she'll go faster into cognitive decline so her gastro dr is managing best way possible with meds which does help but certainly doesn't end it). So we take her places when she feels well enough (she has mostly the downs of the ups/downs in how she feels daily as far as physically). By the time I'm home from work (my husband works from home, so someone is always with her), she seems mostly ok for about an hour and then seems to crash with exhaustion and wants to take her shower and go get in bed by around 6:30-7pm. And that's fine, we don't try to keep her up. Sometimes she sleeps over 12 hours, sometimes not, and she is not sundowning as far as getting up in the middle of the night or having trouble falling asleep or staying asleep. We are thankful for that.

Sorry, long rant…

Her bff from her hometown recently told her she's going on a trip to another state (flying) with a mutual friend of theirs and their church group. Since then, my mom has mentioned "the next time we go back to (her hometown), we need to…" this, that, and the other. Now..she knows there is NO WAY we can travel that far (it's at least 11 hours in the car, and she barely made it just to move her in with us), and flying would be out of the question because of the strain it would put on her plus the potty thing. She also recently has said "I bet you'd like to go to Japan" to my husband while watching a game show where someone won a trip to Japan. My husband had responded that if he won a trip, sure, he'd go there. She said I bet you would, maybe we can go next summer.

Uh….no. But we of course understand not to say no..we just smile and redirect because the next day, she won't remember she'd suggested it anyway.

Also recently, she said "maybe when I get to feeling better, I can go visit them" and that someone is in another state, another plane ride or 13 hour car ride away. My mom can't have more than a few days feeling "well" enough to go anywhere even locally, let alone that far.

What's my point or rather my question? Well…I think I know that this might just be the "wishful" part of wanting to be able to do what she can't do anymore. I also think it's slightly longing to go where her old bff's can still go while she can't even drive anymore (she sold her car and it wouldn't be reasonable for her to drive where we live anyway…major city in the US with millions of people, and she doesn't have the memory to know where she's supposed to go at this point). Also, she doesn't WANT to drive anymore..a blessing because we don't have to talk her into that fact.

Does anyone else have a parent in the middle/moderate stage of this that talks about wanting to go visit someone or go somewhere that is basically impossible/unreasonable to go to? Like I said, we redirect, but this is kind of new as far as her talking about wanting to travel when she can't go further than down the driveway without being exhausted.

Thanks ahead of time, sorry sooooo long.

Quilting brings calm

It’s not uncommon. Agreeing ‘ next time’…. Or redirecting ‘ what show do you want me to turn on’ are the best ways to handle it.

Regarding the colonoscopy- it’s twilight anesthesia but there’s another consideration. She’s 84 with dementia… what would/ could actually be done if they found something? If she can’t handle the twilight anesthesia, then she can’t handle further surgery. So this is about the time when those types of tests just quit being done.

mabelgirl

We actually just entertained the thought of travel and then would look at online pics of the places and people. Figured it did no harm to plan a trip that we know won’t take place and that she’d forget in 5 minutes anyways.

sandwichone123

I've gotten good mileage from "planning" things that will never happen. Much of the joy of travel is in the planning anyway…