Our last mile

ButterflyWings

*posting in spouse/partner forum too

Well forum mates - friends, there have been many near-misses and false alarms on this long journey. My beloved DH has fooled us many times, or let's say trickster dementia has. Some of you will recall I saved his life at least a couple of times, knee-jerk reaction and loving instinct. And he was thought for sure to be in his last moments 2-3 times in the last couple of years. So I have stopped giving notice of his imminent demise as DH rallied to the amazement of his medical team. I am certain this is the last mile, though.

We are in a slow-motion holding pattern as I watch this precious man slip into what is known as the actively dying phase. Being unable to tell us whether or where it hurts, makes me desperately hope that the next day/days are swift for him to take his leave. I am just holding him, playing music favorites, have told him how wonderful our life has been and that he can go — wiping his face, moistening his lips and rubbing a little lotion on his skin. A gentle massage.

I have lots of helping hands, but they are out of sight unless needed, to help bring me a meal or throw away hygiene products after I change him, or just check on us/me with a hug and a smile. I have heard so many times these final months that God will bless me for what I am doing. We know, that's not *why we do it. Caregiving is just what we do, with no expectation of getting anything back. As hard as it is, I always realize mine is the easy part. I have not had to live the nightmare that he is trapped inside. Losing everything. I am only losing him and our life together. But mine will go on.

Praying for his gentle release, finally, and that he will soon be running free, talking a blue streak again, and with none of these earthly restraints. Just yesterday he opened his eyes and said "Hey Pretty"! A few hours later it was "Hey" to get my attention (a welcomed, complete sentence in late stage Alzheimer's). I smiled and said "Hey" back — then was surprised to hear a part 2: "I love you". Made me tear up behind my smile. He is trying so hard, and it breaks my heart. One of his friends says they think he doesn't want to leave me. Just being together in silence as we have been for the last many months, as this is what things have deteriorated to.

Less than 95 lbs. now, skin hanging off his skeleton, I have feared his falling and breaking something since he faints easily, so the lax caregiver had to go. So…as in the mid-stages, its been just me pretty much. Homebound again. And with an even more vulnerable and dependent PWD LO. Bless his heart. I am tired and honestly in an extended period of numbness, but feeling so blessed to have shared so much quality time with the love of my life before this horrid disease began unraveling his very being. This is all so unfair, we all know.

Though I cannot begin to express how much I will miss him, I am watching the undeniable end of this last mile and just want him safe and free. Soon. Wish us luck. What a weird thing to say, but what else is there? Thank you all for all the love, shared wisdom, kind thoughts and understanding through the years. Praying and working for a cure.

forbarbara

ButterflyWings, my heart hurts for you. Much too fast, much too slow. I wish you luck and peace, as you both let go.

SusanB-dil

Hoping you, and your DH, a peaceful and smooth transition. ((HUGS))

GothicGremlin

I'm so sorry @ButterflyWings

The 'active dying' phase left me feeling so helpless, what can we do during that time other than be there and comfort them?

I'm thinking of both of you, and of course, wish you luck.

AlzWife2023

You are perfect. Thank you for sharing this part of your journey. Good luck.

Quilting brings calm

I’m so sorry. Like GG, I felt the actively dying phase was very hard. Please do try to rest. If he slips away while you are resting… it’s probably the way he wants it since he’s trying so hard to be there for you.

Whyzit2

So sorry for you and your DH. Although I don’t believe in luck I pray God’s peace and comfort for you.

dancsfo

Thinking of you and for peace for your family.