Looking for MC

KathyBol

It has been 11 days since my DH was admitted to the hospital. After 3 days, he was admitted to a Geriatric Psychiatric unit an hour away from our house. I go every day to see him and he wants to go home . He has no memory of his violence, but I am afraid to have him home. I have been looking for a decent available spot for him, daily. I keep telling him he will be discharged when the doctor agrees. I feel terrible for him, did anyone tell their LO when they were looking for memory care? I’m so sad, sometimes I just feel paralyzed!

Russinator

I feel for you ((HUGS))

Denise1847

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/72424/looking-for-mc

Hi Kathy, My DH got COVID in Sept. and was hospitalized for a month with COVID and then behavioral disturbances. I told the doctor I couldn't bring him home as I couldn't handle it anymore. I never told my DH he was going to memory care. I told him that the doctor said he needed rehab and would be transferred to a nice place that could help him. After he got there, he had rehab for awhile and still questions why he can't go home. I never tell him that he can't. I tell him that the doctor says he isn't ready, it wouldn't be safe and I could get in alot of trouble if I brought him home and something happened to him. I explained to him that he fell once at home, would wander out the door at night, pack his clothes and wander around the house. Of course, he has no recollection of this. I have even tried to explain his disease, but he still believes he is fine. He told me the other day that he wanted to play golf, which he truly could not. He gets angry at me for leaving him and not taking him home. I feel very badly for him, but I just know something bad would happen to him as he is not cooperative with me. I was on antidepressants, considered suicide and just hated my existence. I know there are people who are able to keep their loved ones at home till the end and I so admire them. Please do what is right for both of you, not just what you think is right for him. Yes, it will hurt, you will cry and feel guilty. I promise you that over time, you will begin to feel better and know you made the right decision.

Biggles

I’m so sorry and sad for you I know I am going to have to face this and I don’t want to. Sending hugs and a handkerchief xx

Dio

I feel your frustration, pain and helplessness. I wouldn't bring up looking for memory care, especially if he's violent. Is there a social worker at the geriatric psych unit who can help you find a good MC? It's much easier to transfer from a hospital to memory care in most cases. I also ditto what Denise1847 posted. Placing a LO is not going to be easy. If my DH hadn't been violent, he'd still be home with me. Even now with the right meds to calm his aggression and he's extremely normal, I can't risk bringing him home or moving him to a lower level care facility for the risks involved.

CindiEC

I placed my DH in MC two months ago. The facility was not a good fit for him. There was little supervision or redirecting and that caused a lot of problems. I’m now making plans to move him to another MC. I always planned for keeping him home. It just became impossible. I too admire those who can continue to care for their loved ones at home. I feel like a failure for placing DH.
Good luck to you and your husband.

BPS

I didn't mention MC to my wife. She was in the hospital and I told her she was being moved to rehab. It has been almost a year and I still have never said MC around her. I always call it rehab and tell her the doctors say she is doing good and getting better but she still has a little more to do. She doesn't always like it but she excepts it because she thinks it is temporary. When I talk about the future I talk like we will be doing things and going places together. After almost a year she thinks she has been there a couple of weeks, so the story works in our case.

rev

How brave and caring you all are. Making that call to move your loved one out of your home must be heartbreaking. I had to do it for my mom 8 years ago (she died in 2020), and I really dread facing it again with my DW! Not there by any means yet, but it looms. The other morning she awoke with more lucidity than usual. She said, “I know that my mind is falling and that I’m a burden on you. I don’t want to live like this.” Like many, we used to talk about suicide if slow, painful dying was the only option. At a college reunion, we attended a seminar session entitled “How to Have the Death that You Want”. Presenter was an Episcopal priest classmate who is active in what used to be called The Hemlock Society — advocates for assisted suicide.
Anyway, prayers for all of us struggling to make the best decisions for ourselves and those in our care!

SDianeL

no need to tell him. Have the doctor or nurse tell him he’s needs rehab. After transfer if he asks to go home, say when the doctor says so and change the subject or distract with a treat. The facility can help with that. You will have to repeat that every time so be prepared. When you leave after each visit, don’t say goodbye, just quietly leave.he may not remember when you were there last. I would plan visits after a meal because I knew he would fall asleep after. I would leave while he napped. Praying for your strength through this.

KathyBol

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/237374#Comment_237374

Thank you Denise. I found a memory care facility that is active, bright, and the staff is very upbeat and capable. But still, I am so sad, I can't stop crying at the slightest thing. He will be transferred this week, so I have been busy getting ready for the move. The nurses asked me not to visit him yesterday, as I trigger is agitation to go home. I look forward to the day I can feel calm, reassured this is right.