When is the right time to intervene?

Dlarson667

Hello, my mom is 76 and has been living alone for a little over 10 years after losing my dad. She has heart disease along with artery disease from genetics and smoking 2 packs a day for over 30 year......damage is presenting now. Most of the time she doesn't know what day it is, she can't do her bills or sort her meds anymore. She can't really read anything and understand it but she can still drive, grocery shop, feed herself and her dogs, clean her house etc. She has always been paranoid but it's gotten a lot worse over the last several year. She thinks that her neighbor, who she despises and has constant strife with, is responsible for anything that happens or goes wrong. Here ability to reason with logic is pretty much gone at this point. I'm not sure when the correct time is to intervene. She is still with it enough to say that she doesn't want me to put her in a home and thank God, nothing horrible has happened yet. I'm afraid to open Pandora's box for fear of not being able to go back. Any advice is welcome.

Quilting brings calm

Now. The time is now. If she doesn’t have the executive reasoning ability to do her bills, sort her medications, or understand logic, she shouldn’t be driving. There’s a hundred decisions being made in a person’s head as they drive.

H1235

NOW! She should not be driving. Driving is about so much more than remembering how to get home or basic laws. Reaction time, executive functioning, reasoning, logic, when to use caution… Disable the car or just take it away. People with dementia often have anosognosia. It is the inability to to recognize their symptoms and limitations. She probably has no idea how unwell she is. No one wants their parent to be upset and mad with them, but with dementia it’s sometimes necessary to keep them and others safe. Please act now!

Mike in NC

I agree with the others that driving seems way too risky at this point given the other cognitive issues. We sold my mom's car after she hit a mailbox hard enough to do some real damage to the car. We convinced Mom that it was time and that she wouldn't want to risk hurting someone, especially children. We took over driving her to shopping and appointments until we had to move away. Then we arranged two drivers, retired people who like to make a little money driving seniors. I think we found them by asking on Nextdoor. They worked out well for years until some senior neighbors began helping her.

SDianeL

if you’re asking, then it’s time. Make a list of her behaviors and talk to her doctor and give the doctor the list. Don’t let your Mom see the list. Talk privately with the doctor. Speak to an elder law attorney for DPOA, HIPPA, Medical POA and living will and discuss financials with the attorney. Tell her you are going to do your papers with the attorney and she should do hers too. That’s how I got my husband to go. Don’t wait. She should not be driving. She could be sued if she hurts or kills someone. She is also vulnerable for scams. Take over her finances and limit phone and internet access. I know it’s difficult but remember you’re doing it for her, not to her.

Dlarson667

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/237485#Comment_237485

Thank you for sharing, I've been nervous to do anything too soon, but she has been getting worse over the last year. Thankfully she already has the legal documents done and I am the POA and DPOA. I do her bills and her meds for her and she doesn't have internet or a cell phone - she couldn't remember how to operate it a few years ago so that was taken off the table. We had to get her a new TV and she can't remember or even find the home button on the remote, even when I printed a copy of the remote with an arrow pointing to it. She has always been extremely paranoid and that has also gotten worse over the last few years.

I just found this website about a month ago and I took all the tests that it says they use to diagnose and I think she is about a 4 our of 8 if I have the scale correct. I was thinking about talking to her cardiologist because she loves him but wasn't sure how to navigate and thought I would check in here first. Glad I did. This website and these blogs are a God send. I know you all know this already, but even though it's the right thing to do, it feels wrong to taker her rights away, it's going to break her heart that she can't drive anymore. At lease now I can be sure I'm doing the right thing.

Again, thank you for your advice.

H1235

If you go to groups on this site and then go to new caregivers you will find a lot of great information. The staging tool is very helpful and I would also recommend reading the article understanding the dementia experience. We are lucky to have each other here.

harshedbuzz

@Dlarson667 Hi and welcome. I am sorry for your reason to be here but pleased you found this place.

The time for you take control of the situation is already in your rearview mirror. As her POA/DPOA you don't just have the right to take the steps to keep her safe, you have a legal obligation to. You might be held liable in the event she plows her car into a school bus stop, burns her home down or assaults the neighbor.

I found it really uncomfortable to get all up in my parents' business when it became necessary, but I found it got easier with time. If your mom hasn't been seen recently, I would get her in to see her PCP to start the process of a diagnosis now. You can alert the doc via a patient portal or discrete note about what you're seeing to start the process. It's critical because there are some conditions that mimic dementia but are treatable and reversible to a degree. My dad had an alcohol-related vitamin deficiency that when treated resulted in some improvement; had he been identified and treated earlier, he would have been able to regain more cognition and had a better quality of life until his AD progressed. When mom started to show signs of a cognitive change, I got her in with her doctor asap. He ran labs and did imaging. most of her issues cleared with treatment for Lyme Disease.

HB

SDianeL

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/237506#Comment_237506

please keep us posted. We understand. 💜