What Have I Done?!?

CampCarol

DH suddenly started having severe leg and knee pain yesterday. Of course, I couldn’t get an appointment with any kind of doctor for almost two weeks. He was able to get to the car, so I drove him to the ER. They ran a bunch of tests, gave him morphine, couldn’t find anything wrong and sent him home. Within 5 minutes of being home, he was in significant pain again. Woke me up at 3:30 this morning, only this time He could not stand to get out of bed even with my help. So I had to call 911 and they ended up bringing him to a different hospital. They ran a few additional tests and it turns out he has a fracture in his tibula. Not sure yet what next steps will be; we’re waiting on an orthopedic consult. My angst is this: late this afternoon, he started yelling at me. I’m not sure if it was sundowning or what, but he basically told me I am useless to him and to get the F out of his room. I was so tired and upset I did. He no longer know how to use a phone, he’s afraid of the dark, fear of abandonment, afraid of unfamiliar noises and I just left him there. I feel like an awful wife and a horrible person. I lov my husband, and I don’t understand why I cannot follow the rules to deal with his dementia (I.e. stay calm, don’t fight back/argue, etc.). I am so very tired, and I am freaking out with this diagnosis, who knows what all of this will do to him and his cognitive decline? So sorry for the rant, but thank you for the vent.

CindyBum

I’m so sorry, Carol. This must be incredibly stressful. I would have left the room too.

Hugs to you, dear.

annie51

So sorry you’ve had this experience. I also have a hard time following the rules. My DH will sometimes speak to me like that so I know how difficult it is to react the way you “should”. When we’re home I can just leave the room for a minute. But sometimes I just burst into tears which doesn’t help because he doesn’t even remember saying it.
I hope things will work out ok for you and DH as he gets that leg taken care of. Let us know how it goes.

Sending hugs!

midge333

You are not a horrible person. You are exhausted from doing a very hard job - caregiving for a person with dementia. All of us get tired and stressed. All of us respond to our loved ones in a less than perfect manner. Hopefully the treatment of his fracture will be uneventful.

MaryMN

You are doing the best you and that is all anyone can ask of you. We've all been in your shoes. Our brains and body can only handle so much abuse. Don't let the guilt get to you; tomorrow is another day.

Quilting brings calm

You are not horrible. You need rest too. The hospital will call you if they need you. They can also call upon staff to be a sitter for him if needed. I saw that done for my mom when she had urosepsis. The hospital called one in and told me to go home and rest.

SDianeL

so sorry. Remember it’s the disease speaking not him. I know it still hurts but he won’t remember doing it. You are human. No need to feel guilty. Get some rest. Keep us posted. Hugs

Karen711

Dear Carol- I think you reacted as many here would have. You are not alone in expressing a perfectly rational reaction to what amounts to abuse (as unintentional as it is by DH, our bodies and minds feel it as such). We all try to be super human angels but the fact is it’s exhausting and when we’re worn down we don’t always have the energy to pull together that angelic “should” response we’ve all memorized. You’ll be back by his side, he will have forgotten what happened, and you will both go on to take on the next battle. I hope you got some much needed rest after you left. I think sometimes these reactions are self protective sub-conscious actions - that ultimately will keep you healthier and therefore “in the game” in one piece. Just thinking…

Sending you a big hug!!!

Karen

BlueVelvet

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/72454/what-have-i-done

Dear Carol,

You deserve an enormous amount of praise for all you sacrifice for your husband's care. It is absolutely appropriate to leave the room if you are receiving verbal attacks. You don't deserve that. You shouldn't have to be the whipping post for someone who is no longer rational. You did the right thing by leaving. Sending hugs and support for your situation. 😘

harshedbuzz

What have you done?

You got your husband to the ED promptly. When they told you there was nothing they saw, you trusted your gut and advocated for a second opinion which should help resolve his pain.

Removing yourself from his abuse if your presence is triggering him, is best for both of you.

HB

CampCarol

Thank you all for your kind and sage messages, they mean more than you’ll ever know! I’m sitting in his room now; he was happy to see me when I arrived early this morning, and I’m so very grateful for that. I will keep you posted.

Dio

All I can say is you've got to ignore his yellings and screamings toward you…it's just rubbish caused by the disease. You've done nothing wrong. I'm glad that things settled down. Know that when these moments hit, say to yourself, this too shall pass. Hugs.

jehjeh

I've had to walk out on my DH a few times, usually when he's in the hospital. I learned it was the fastest way to calm him (nurses confirmed this) and the least stressful thing for me. It was so hard the first time but much easier after that.

eaglemom

I just just checking on the both of you. I do hope after you've gotten some rest you realize you did nothing wrong. You knew something was wrong and got your LO help - that's love and compassion. Sadly from his view he's hurting, scared, possibly doesn't know where he's at, florescent lights in his face, different sounds, etc all are very upsetting to him. And he took it out on you. You did the correct thing.

eagle

CampCarol

TY for checking in…yesterday was a very rough day; the hospital delirium was in full force. He kept trying to get out of bed, the walls were moving, he was seeing his grandparents in the hall and was more than horrible to me. I almost left again, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. He’s so frightened. Today he seems a little better cognitively, but we’re being transferred to a rehab facility where I know the real fun will begin. 🙁