Had to step back

Niecey2loved1

Long story short, I live long distance from an aunt with dementia. She has family who live near.

When it was discovered aunt had dementia, family expected me to take care of aunt. Move in and handle everything. Everything was dire. The family didn't want aunt alone for a second. I did what I could and explained I couldn't give up my job and home to move out of state to take care of aunt. So I stepped back. Aunt is pretty bad with incontinence and lives alone with help coming in.

When I contact my cousins to see how aunt is doing, I get the same answer, 'She's doing just fine. She's coming along.' I know this isn't true and before I stepped away, they all wanted me to be the one to take care of her. They wanted me to visit to see how bad she is. Now that I am out of the picture, she's doing fine? There is no getting better from dementia. My friend told me to go visit. I want to visit her, but with the incontinence, the house isn't sanitary . She soils every bed in the house. Me being long distance, I would need to sleep over, and cousins never offer me their hospitality. They feel like I should sleep in her unsanitary home. Feeling conflicted.

Quilting brings calm

Do not visit. It’s their responsibility to see to her care. They can either do it, hire people to do it, or have her in a facility that will donut. She is their mom and they are local. Are they by chance male and you are female?

Dementia is a marathon not a sprint. It could be years. You cannot rearrange your life and give up your career to do it … when they are local and can do it much easier.

SusanB-dil

Oh, gracious! I totally agree with QBC!

Don't do it! I would say to wait to visit until they have her care situated. Not you. Not sure why they just expect you to upend your life instead of them taking care of the situation.

It also sounds like even if you stepped in with 'an inch' now, that 'mile' (and then some) would be more than expected, over and over. ('give an inch and they take a mile'.)

edit to add: could you call an anonymous welfare check on her, or adult protective services, in light of her unhealthy/unsanitary predicament?

Jgirl57

Sorry you are feeling conflicted . If you have decided to step back then you need to do just that . Maybe with time, the other relatives will see how much she has progressed. You are correct, you should not give up your job and home if there are other family members that can assist. Someone closer to her needs to be DPOA. Hugs to you for being a caring person

GothicGremlin

I agree with the others, especially with @SusanB-dil - is it possible for you to do an anonymous welfare check on your aunt? And (obviously) I agree with you - your aunt, sadly, is not going to get better.

Niecey2loved1

Thanks. She will not open the door for anyone to let them in. Family nearby and I have keys to get in.

Niecey2loved1

Thank you.

Niecey2loved1

Thank you.

Niecey2loved1

This is very helpful. Thank you.

Niecey2loved1

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/237878#Comment_237878

Thank you!

JJ401

She will not open the door for anyone to let them in.

Adult protective services should be able to deal with this. Your aunt is not the first, and won’t be the last, person reluctant to open the door. If need be they can get one of the cousins to open the door for them.

eaglemom

Am I missing something? Why does the family that live near your aunt expect you to take over her care? I'm sorry and I'll be blunt, but that's ridiculous, IMO. Your family, home and job are important, period. Now it is totally understandable that you would want to help your aunt, that's reasonable. But taking over her care is not reasonable. Just because you have a key means nothing.

Sadly, your best advice is to tell them they need to handle this situation. If they won't, then Adult Protective Services will be called. I wouldn't share that with them, as they will view that as a threat. Your not threatening them, you having them step up to the plate and do what is right. If they choose to do differently, then you'll call. I'm so sorry your in this position. Its rotten of them to do this to do, and your family.

eagle