Vascular Dementia
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Welcome, and I’m so sorry you need to be here. My husband on occasion doesn’t know who I am either, and I know how heartbreaking that can be. You will find you are not alone in any of this; you have come to the right place to ask questions and find fellowship with others also going through this caregiving experience. If you click on ‘groups’ above on the right, you’ll find one for “New Caregiver Help”. This is a good place to start for additional information.
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Thank you for the suggestion!
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@Judson21
It's pretty common for a PWD's memories to be last-in-first-out, not that that makes being on the receiving end any easier on your heart. This can make caregiving harder around hygiene issues or lead to inappropriate behavior is a wife mistakes her son for a spouse.
Dad sort of time-traveled in his dementia. He married and a father at a young age and did know mom and me although he regularly commented on how old mom looked. He referred to my husband of over 30 years as "that guy Harshed is shacking up with" and once confused his urologist (the son of Japanese immigrants) for my son who looks rather like Ed Sheeran.
The leader of our support group once suggested introducing herself to a woman whose husband could no longer recall who she was. She said that you should announce yourself as you care for him— if your serving lunch you might say something like "look what your loving wife made for you".
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Thank you for the suggestion!
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I'm sorry you are experiencing this but you are not alone. My DH is 72 and diagnosed with mixed/vascular dementia last year although he'd been been having some signs for years. When we married, he was 41, first marriage. This summer he "lost" the fact that we are married and have been for over 30 years and living together in the same house. He knows we're married and he loves me but doesn't consistently recall all of those years. Honestly, he's a more even-keeled, pleasant guy than he used to be. It's impossible to understand, but his family and friends have assured him it's all true, he is married. He then asks why nobody told him.
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This is almost universal for PWD. My DW (then 69) stopped recognizing me fairly early on. For what I’ve read here in my 4+ years on this forum, and talking to other spouses, in almost every case the PWD may not recognize their spouse as such, but in some way is still very familiar with them, and almost always quite comfortable with them. This was certainly the case with my DW. She would ask me uncomfortable questions about who I was but I always just went with whatever her current understanding was and did not try to “remind” her of our real relationship, which would just aggravate her. For my DW she seemed to instinctively know that she needed me to care for her and never actually objected to me being always with her.
There are members here whose spouses reacted quite negatively to their presence but this seems to be fairly rare and the result of severe confusion.2 -
welcome. We understand how it hurts. It’s like a kick in the gut. My husband thought my daughter was me. Although they may not remember your name or that you are married , I believe that they know they love you and that you love them. We made picture books for my DH and wrote our names and relationship on each of the pictures.
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I appreciate all the comments & suggestions given to me & very thankful for the support & kind words..It does help to know your not alone in this!🥰
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I’m sorry you are also going through this, & fairly recent also.. I don’t feel quite as alone in this after reading all the caring & supportive comments!
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Thank you for the suggestion of the picture books, I started working on that today & seems to help my DH remember bits & pieces..🥰
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So many of us have the same experience. My DH also remembers his first wife (they were married 23 years). We are married 32 years. He asks me every night … did I ever remarry after my first wife? He always asks me where I live. If I say … here, he rolls his eyes like I’m lying to him. The other night I asked him … who do you think I am? He said … Mark (his oldest son). If I tell him who I am, he gets very agitated, so I no longer do that. Just go with the flow and try to change the subject if it gets uncomfortable. One subject that usually gets him talking and calm … where did you go to high school? He loves talking about his football days in high school and he has pleasant memories from those days.
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One day this past week my DW did not know who I was and played 20 questions with me trying to figure out who I was. The next day she knew who I was. Does this happen where one day they know you and the next they don't until they gradually forget who you are?
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My DH used to ask me my name. I initially thought he was joking as stage 4 at the time. After a while, it would come to him and he would laugh it off. That gradually became more frequent until he just didn’t know. Along with that, he forgot we were married. It’s a punch in the gut when it first happens. 2 years later, he occasionally will come out with my name and/or know if someone speaks about me with my name he can make a connection. I can now be someone who is always there or his sister. He likes me but with no idea who I am. I am used to it now and am just happy knowing he likes me. I hate this disease.
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yes it does. Sometimes the brain makes connections and other times not.
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Commonly Used Abbreviations
DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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