Changing diapers

mpang123

My dad is double incontinent. Mom wants to move Dad from Al back to home where she can take care of him. One big obstacle is trying to change his diaper when he is bed bound due to multiple fractures on his entire right side. Is there a way to change him without hurting him and how to roll him onto his side? Maybe I could ask the Al staff if mom can watch them changing dad. I am worried that Mom might not have the strength to turn dad over. Plus my Mom has beginning Alzheimer's and gets forgetful and confused sometimes. But Mom has no problem cooking, housekeeping and I monitor her finances and make sure she pays her bills. I do all the driving and administrative duties. I see her 4x/wk and take her to visit Dad when I'm there. I asked about this before but I'm wondering what options are there if Mom can't care for dad at home, as she worries that she can't afford to keep Dad in AL for long. An option was to place Mom in same room with Dad but then she will have to pay her portion. I think Mom is too high functioning for Al right now. I watch out for her if she eventually needs more assistance and I will place her when necessary. I talked to an elder law attorney about Medicaid, long term care, asset protection and trust funds, but he wants $10,000 to do all the paperwork but what if the government cuts benefits to Medicaid? So many things to consider...

harshedbuzz

It sounds as though your dad needs the care of trained professionals. Your mom is not capable of this kind of care. TBH, your mom sounds to be somewhat delusional about her abilities at this point; perhaps she has anosognosia and can't appreciate areas in which she is impaired. Your duty to both of them is to protect your dad from her poor judgement.

I'd shop around for a second price estate planning opinion unless your parents' assets are considerable and complicated or you live in a VHCOL area.

Niecey2loved1

I think you all should leave him where he is . Incontinence is no joke and the amount of changing and cleaning and everything else that comes along with it will make you insane.

Niecey2loved1

H1235

Even if she is capable, how long will she be able to keep it up. Caring for someone in that condition is very difficult for anyone, add on her age and being of dementia and it just doesn’t seem like a good idea. You may end up loosing your mom before your dad. One of the first signs of my mom’s dementia was poor judgment. She also insists she can do things she is just not capable of anymore (this is not uncommon). I wonder if your mom has a bit of this.

Quilting brings calm

Your dad is on hospice… pay the extra fee for your mom for a month or two while maintaining her current home. Ask the staff to let her do as much as possible of his care - under the theory she will realize she can’t do it without them.

Or just flat out tell her no. Repeat.

He is in a safe place with good care, and she is not worn out from taking care of him. Safety over happiness … because happiness is not possible with this disease.

housefinch

My 2 thoughts would be: 1) mom needs to be elsewhere during dad’s changes and 2) is dad receiving pain and (if needed) anxiety medication a certain number of minutes before diaper changes, or does he need standing pain medication orders around the clock? He’s on hospice and the goal is comfort care if at all possible. If the staff cannot accomplish his basic cares because of pain plus/minus anxiety, those probably need to be treated. Or is your mom a trigger during cares, and would removing her from the cares improve things? Mom sounds like she is unaware of her own deficits and likely would qualify for at least AL based on her lack of understanding of this situation.

cdgbdr

mpang123,

Your mother isn't able to provide the care that your father needs at home by herself. I say this as a home health director for over 30 years. I don't know how complex your parents' finances are, but I live in Ohio and have received services of an elder care attorney for much less. Shop around for that help. It sounds like your mom is ok with your help right now but moving your dad sounds like a mistake. I'm sorry you have all this to deal with.