Act Normally as if Nothing is Wrong

Karl38

My wife is a solid ALZ Stage 5. She can no longer cook, drive, use her computer, use a phone, repeats the same questions again and again, and many other things. She is totally dependent on me and she wants me to be with her 24/7. I can't leave her alone. However, through it all I have treated her as if nothing is wrong and it seems like she believes she is leading a normal life. She is happy.

I don't know if my approach is making a difference or if she is just an unusual case. But I thought I would pass this along in case it might help others who are caregivers for a spouse.

Timmyd

This sounds identical to my situation. I think my DW does know something is wrong, but she never seems to dwell on it and thinks it is being effectively managed. When the word ALZ or dementia comes up on the TV, she gets uncomfortable. In those moments when I lose my temper with her, she will tell me "it is not my fault", which I find to be very profound. Overall, I think I am probably far more bothered by the situation than she is.

This article is a good read, especially if you are a fan of the NBA:

https://www.telegram.com/story/news/local/north/2013/09/29/of-years-love-long-goodbye/42811845007/

midge333

That is exactly what I did and it worked well until she transitioned into stage 6. My wife was fairly happy because of anosognosia. As she transitioned into stage 6, she became sad and angry. Ultimately I had to place her in MC. After placement she said to me several times: "I thought I was doing pretty good…"

Biggles

My DH is the same and we live a normal wonderful life apart from my DH needing help to shower, shave, dress, eat, he can no longer use the computer, the phone, the tv & air con remotes, drive, have a productive input in decisions or even communicate clearly but we still have a lovely life. We have special walking places, we have special milkshake places and pizza pick-up places, we have unconditional love from our adoring puppy, we have special conversations (of sorts) about our past over a glass of wine and prawns (which of course I have to peel) but these things are so very very special. This time, however long or short, will be lived and loving memories made. To all those who read this, through the ups and downs, I hope you can stay strong and loving.

SDianeL

yes, that’s exactly what I did until I had to place him in memory care. He said to me “we’ll get through this” but he didn’t know what “this” was. She’s lucky to have you caring for her. 💜

tboard

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/72514/act-normally-as-if-nothing-is-wrong

I once told my DH that he has Alzheimer's He didn't believe me. I found the same with my mother. I was in the room when each were diagnosed and neither one of them believed the diagnosis. I understand this to be common..

charley0419

all of your stories sound like our life. I truly just try and make her happy. I take her everyday even if just an hr drive makes her happy

Stan2

That is the way we live our lives as well. My DW is stage 4 with some stage 5 behavior, She no longer cooks, drives, makes any sort of decisions other than what she would like to eat and her short term memory is very bad. Her long term memory is also failing but it is hard to tell how much since I don't test her on it. She is okay with being by herself at home for short periods during daylight hours. She does know and accept what is happening to her and is sometimes overcome with depression but for the most part she faces this disease with strength , grace and humor. For my part I try to do things that will make her happy. Our 56th anniversary is later this week and for all those years her smile lights my life. The smiles are fewer now but still have the same effect on me.

ronda b

Same here. I try to treat him like there is nothing wrong. I would say he is stage 4 with vd also. Just try to make him happy with no stress. It's working pretty good right now. I just sorta go with the flow. Unless it's something that is harmful.

Jo124c

It was good to hear from others about some happy times continuing. We do have some very happy times. My DH (stage 5) of 50 years seems content about half the time, but he is fixated on wanting to get a driving license and car again. He asks me again and again if he has money to buy a car and if he needs to take a driving test and who stole his car, etc. He gets angry, sad and depressed and this may last hours. His anosognosia makes him believe he can get a car and go back to work (he's been retired for 15 years) and he no longer can use his phone, the TV remote, understand finances, etc.). Early on I tried to explain, wrote notes, bought books, but now I just listen and say something encouraging. Once in a while he is angry at me, and often he tells me he's going to get on a bus and go East. When he is feeling good again his mood is pretty happy, but I have a hard time letting go of my feelings of sadness and depression after another session going down that rabbit hole. It used to happen once or twice a week, but now it is usually daily. I have conflicting feelings about MC placement, it's not time yet and I cherish the times I can pretend everything is like it was and I know I will miss him dreadfully. Thanks to everyone for sharing your journey.

Russinator

So many of the replies (above) could have been written by me.

midge333

@Jo124c I think your experience is common. My DW wheels started coming off late stage 5.

Abby627

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/238190#Comment_238190

Timmy’s,

This is exactly my situation with my DH. I think he knows something is wrong but we don’t talk much about it and I take us through each day as if it’s perfectly normal. I thank him for always doing things around the house (he helps with dishes, making the bed, folding laundry, shoveling, vacuuming, etc). He gets very confused and has delusions at times but I try not to make a big deal out of it. I think our life is pretty normal most of the time but it’s a new normal. There are always going to be adjustments. I keep telling myself “one day at a time”. And yes, I cry.

Abby627

Timmyd,

And thank you for sharing that beautiful article. It’s a gift to all of us.

jscott

This is so encouraging. We are in about the same place. My DW of 49 years is probably in mid stage 4 but has no idea that there is anything wrong. She was first diagnosed about 4 years ago. She is happy and we still live a fairly normal life. I try to focus on each day one at a time but I seem to always have that fear underneath of what may come. It's something I deal with mostly in prayer. Thank you for posting.